I can't remember if blonde is spelled blonde or blond, and I could look it up and not embarrass myself but I feel like the point of this post is about how I have become stupider (more stupid?) these last five years, so looking something up would feel like cheating.
Blond moment #1-
We met a friend at the park yesterday (The park was PACKED, I have never seen a playground so busy. And why do people bring their asshole ten-year-olds to the park? Just so they can run around and play violent games of tag, knocking small children over with every turn? They were all very lucky I didn't have a taser.)
So to avoid the madness, we went over the the lake to look at the ducks and geese. There was a kid there with his grandpa, and his grandpa told the kid to show our kids the fish he caught (he actually said 'Show the boy the fish you caught.), but I'm twisting the story to make it less sexist. So I say...
Wait for it....
Brace yourself...
'Did you catch that here?'
I know. I don't know why I said it. I immediately followed up with an apology for such a stupid question, but it still doesn't mean I didn't ask it. And that was honestly my first thought, Did he catch that HERE? At a LAKE? He didn't buy it at the pet store, grow it in his tank at home, bring it to the lake alive, put it on fishing line, and hang it in the lake just to impress strangers? You never know...
Blonde moment #2-
The kids are WAY into spelling, so much that my life has basically become one continuous spelling bee. It can be easy yet completely random like 'How do you spell turkey?' or hard and best answered with a glass of wine in hand to calm the nerves, ' Mom, B E R E N S T A I N B E A R S G O T O S C H O O L B Y S T A N A N D J A N B E R E N S T A I N S C H O L A S T I C what'sthatspell? It's about on par with potty training on the sliding scale of parenting tasks that make me want to kill myself. And potty training was the defining event that wiped my ovaries clean of any desire to have any more children, so...
So on Friday:
Penny- 'Mom, whats P U S H spell?'
Me- Push
Penny- What's P U S spell?
Me- Puss (I know)
Luckily she didn't ask what Puss meant, and it just became a funny story for me to tell Jamie yesterday. Until he pointed out that P U S spells PUS. Like the oozing grossness that comes out of ingrown hairs and not the crude term for the vagina.
So embarrassing. But luckily I'm married to a kind man who would never make fun of his wife for an honest spelling mistake, and not look up the definitions of both pus and puss on his phone and follow her around the house until she looked at it. Such a blessing, that husband of mine.
In non-blond moment news, I thought I had Jamie talked into hiring movers instead of asking our friends for help, but that idea is quickly losing appeal with him. =( So if you want to help us move, just 'like' this when I post it on facebook. And if you don't want to help us move, leave a comment about how this is the BEST blog yet and I am so talented, beautiful, smart, funny, kind, and sensual. TIA!
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Weekend update
Update #1- House
The good- We have a contract on a new house and it is fabulous. There is space, there are closets, there is same floor laundry, there are closets, there's a garage, there are closets, there's a finished basement with built in bookshelves/entertainment center, there are closets, we will live next to someone famous, there are closets... have I mentioned there are closets? LOTS of closets, so many closets I'm going to be forced to buy more clothes to fill them. It will be hard; but I will manage. We are still in the inspection negotiations phase and there is a very big problem with too much radon, but I'm just going to assume that the sellers will work that out. Because why wouldn't they? They can't possibly think that anyone would buy a house with six times the amount of radon in it, with radon being the second leading cause of lung cancer. So they'll fix it, we'll close at the end of the month, and then I'll start filling all those wonderful, beautiful closets.
The bad- There has been no interest in our closetless yet still highly habitable home. I think I might make that a sign, 'Habitable', and put it on top of our For Sale sign like one might do for an Open House. Just in case there was any question. I'm not stressed about it though because:
a- There was literally snow on the ground every single day of February, and no one wants to buy a house without a garage with snow on the ground.
b- Our house looks much nicer in the spring/summer; we actually have nice landscaping in the backyard and green grass will be more appealing then mud puddles/dead grass.
c- If we aren't able to sell in a reasonable amount of time and we get tired of making two house payments, I'm pretty positive we can rent it out. I've been checking craigslist occasionally and there's always someone looking for a place to rent near the airport. Probably because they're CEO's of major corporations who are always flying out of town for business.
d- I"m an incurable optimist.
The (no longer) ugly- Two major developments in the silent 'Let's not make our street look so hoosierish' campaign I've been running in my head for the last eight years-
1- Our neighbors are a young couple; she worked at a bank until their daughter was born and he's a med student at Wash U. They are very nice, normal, physically fit to the point of being mildly annoying, people. But you would not know that by looking at their house, which has always come across as 'Hoosiers live here' and not 'A future doctor lives here.' There have been a number of things that have driven me crazy through the years; I have fantasized about rolling their trash cans to their front door when it's Wednesday and their trash cans are still at the end of their driveway and trash day was on Monday. I have given serious consideration to going out in the middle of the night with a flashlight and hedge trimmers and trimming their hideous, overgrown bushes. And I've considered burning their house down when they live the phone book on their front porch for months instead of simply bringing it in the house or throwing it in the recycling container. Totally rational thoughts. So imagine my elation when I looked out the window this morning and saw their front yard covered in the hideous, overgrown bushes that the husband had ripped out of the ground and was sawing into little pieces to go out with the yard waste on Friday. And he removed the circa 1975 satellite antenna from their roof. And when we talked to them later in the day he told us that they were going to paint their puke-green house that's majorly chipping. My level of excitement over this is a perfect example of how lame my life has become since I've been a SAHM, but I am pumped. Too bad we won't be here much longer to enjoy it. Not really.
2- There is a house at the end of the street that can only be described as Hoarder-esque. I'm not quite sure what was going on at this house, but it basically looked like the house threw up all it's shit all over the front yard. Now we have benefited from this house a few times; sometimes the house vomit would make it to the curb and to our backyard (we got a kid picnic table that way), but most of the time it just looked like something out of a TV show. WELL TODAY on my way home from the Y, what do my wondering eyes should appear but two giant industrial size dumpsters and some annoyed looking men throwing everything in the front yard into them! It's a two months after Christmas miracle! And later when I was taking a bike ride with Harry I saw one of the guys, and I asked him if he was cleaning up the house, and he said 'Yeah. It was a disaster.' YA THINK??? I wanted to run across the street and simultaneously slap him for taking so damn long to clean it up and kiss him for actually cleaning it up, but I exercised restraint. I got really good at exercising restraint during my time on this street.
Now who wants to buy my house?
Update #2- Kindergarten
VanDernoot kindergarten update #1,465, 904
I enrolled the kids in preschool through Pattonville on Monday and by Friday had convinced myself that they should most definitely, without a doubt start kindergarten in August.
They are doing the kindergarten screening on April 7th.
I am going to tour the elementary school they're assigned to sometime in the next few weeks.
We (I) will see how that goes and decide from there.
If I make it to August without having a massive coronary it will be a miracle. And if I do have a massive coronary, my last words will be 'Jamie... send them.... to......' (and then I die).
The good- We have a contract on a new house and it is fabulous. There is space, there are closets, there is same floor laundry, there are closets, there's a garage, there are closets, there's a finished basement with built in bookshelves/entertainment center, there are closets, we will live next to someone famous, there are closets... have I mentioned there are closets? LOTS of closets, so many closets I'm going to be forced to buy more clothes to fill them. It will be hard; but I will manage. We are still in the inspection negotiations phase and there is a very big problem with too much radon, but I'm just going to assume that the sellers will work that out. Because why wouldn't they? They can't possibly think that anyone would buy a house with six times the amount of radon in it, with radon being the second leading cause of lung cancer. So they'll fix it, we'll close at the end of the month, and then I'll start filling all those wonderful, beautiful closets.
The bad- There has been no interest in our closetless yet still highly habitable home. I think I might make that a sign, 'Habitable', and put it on top of our For Sale sign like one might do for an Open House. Just in case there was any question. I'm not stressed about it though because:
a- There was literally snow on the ground every single day of February, and no one wants to buy a house without a garage with snow on the ground.
b- Our house looks much nicer in the spring/summer; we actually have nice landscaping in the backyard and green grass will be more appealing then mud puddles/dead grass.
c- If we aren't able to sell in a reasonable amount of time and we get tired of making two house payments, I'm pretty positive we can rent it out. I've been checking craigslist occasionally and there's always someone looking for a place to rent near the airport. Probably because they're CEO's of major corporations who are always flying out of town for business.
d- I"m an incurable optimist.
The (no longer) ugly- Two major developments in the silent 'Let's not make our street look so hoosierish' campaign I've been running in my head for the last eight years-
1- Our neighbors are a young couple; she worked at a bank until their daughter was born and he's a med student at Wash U. They are very nice, normal, physically fit to the point of being mildly annoying, people. But you would not know that by looking at their house, which has always come across as 'Hoosiers live here' and not 'A future doctor lives here.' There have been a number of things that have driven me crazy through the years; I have fantasized about rolling their trash cans to their front door when it's Wednesday and their trash cans are still at the end of their driveway and trash day was on Monday. I have given serious consideration to going out in the middle of the night with a flashlight and hedge trimmers and trimming their hideous, overgrown bushes. And I've considered burning their house down when they live the phone book on their front porch for months instead of simply bringing it in the house or throwing it in the recycling container. Totally rational thoughts. So imagine my elation when I looked out the window this morning and saw their front yard covered in the hideous, overgrown bushes that the husband had ripped out of the ground and was sawing into little pieces to go out with the yard waste on Friday. And he removed the circa 1975 satellite antenna from their roof. And when we talked to them later in the day he told us that they were going to paint their puke-green house that's majorly chipping. My level of excitement over this is a perfect example of how lame my life has become since I've been a SAHM, but I am pumped. Too bad we won't be here much longer to enjoy it. Not really.
2- There is a house at the end of the street that can only be described as Hoarder-esque. I'm not quite sure what was going on at this house, but it basically looked like the house threw up all it's shit all over the front yard. Now we have benefited from this house a few times; sometimes the house vomit would make it to the curb and to our backyard (we got a kid picnic table that way), but most of the time it just looked like something out of a TV show. WELL TODAY on my way home from the Y, what do my wondering eyes should appear but two giant industrial size dumpsters and some annoyed looking men throwing everything in the front yard into them! It's a two months after Christmas miracle! And later when I was taking a bike ride with Harry I saw one of the guys, and I asked him if he was cleaning up the house, and he said 'Yeah. It was a disaster.' YA THINK??? I wanted to run across the street and simultaneously slap him for taking so damn long to clean it up and kiss him for actually cleaning it up, but I exercised restraint. I got really good at exercising restraint during my time on this street.
Now who wants to buy my house?
Update #2- Kindergarten
VanDernoot kindergarten update #1,465, 904
I enrolled the kids in preschool through Pattonville on Monday and by Friday had convinced myself that they should most definitely, without a doubt start kindergarten in August.
They are doing the kindergarten screening on April 7th.
I am going to tour the elementary school they're assigned to sometime in the next few weeks.
We (I) will see how that goes and decide from there.
If I make it to August without having a massive coronary it will be a miracle. And if I do have a massive coronary, my last words will be 'Jamie... send them.... to......' (and then I die).
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