Top three

Here is a list of things that can add additional stress to a teacher's life:
- starting at a new school
- starting a new grade
- decorating/supplying a classroom
- meet the teacher night
- learning a new curriculum
- organizing materials for learning
- attending professional development
- preparing for a sub
- IEP meetings
- end of quarter assessments
- report cards
- field trip
- parent teacher conferences

I have done all of this in the last three weeks (minus conferences, that's this week). So I'm going to start being nicer to myself and stop questioning why I'm so stressed and sometimes feel like I'm on the verge of a full-blown panic attack. I'm not a full-blown panic attack type of person, and I'm not really digging this feeling, so I'm hoping it goes away soon. Please and thank you.

I had a really great weekend, we had no real plans and took advantage of it. I cleaned my whole house today, got a lot of stuff done for my classroom, and spent quality time with the kids. And of course Jamie. He's always in the background somewhere, just waiting for me to tell him what to do for me next- I"m so lucky! This weekend he went rogue and spent a lot of time organizing various drawers throughout the house. The end table drawers, the master bath drawers... drawers that one would never even imagine would need organizing! I think he found his secret talent, he could start a show for HGTV. Let's call it 'What's in Yo Drawers?'. Look for it in the summer of 2016. Meanwhile I will be putting locks on all of my drawers at home...

So Jamie had his drawer-cleaning, but I had not one but THREE thrilling things that happened to me over the weekend that I just have to share. We'll start at the top:

#1- I cleaned my purse out before we went to Colorado and just dumped all the shit that I didn't need for the trip in a bowl. I finally got around to going through the bowl yesterday (I've been a little busy the last three weeks) and there was a QT gift card. I thought it was one that had like 83 cents on it, so I didn't think much of it. I went to QT yesterday for a mid-afternoon cappucino (medium, fat-free french vanilla with just a touch of a button's worth of the regular FV on top), and I handed the gift card to the cashier with my wallet in the other hand and asked him to tell me how much I owed him because it only had like four cents on it (I tend to exaggerate things in QT. It's the only place I'm truly comfortable and the one place I know I am never judged.) But then BAM, this sweet angel of QT heaven told me that I had plenty of money on the card, in fact I had 30 AMERICAN DOLLARS on it. THIRTY. DOLLARS. I basically went from QT poverty to the 1%, because who really gets more than $30 on a QT gift card, what can you really buy there that costs more than $30? I guess gas, but what kind of idiot would actually use their gift card for a tank of gas when they could spread the joy out over thirty visits on 79 cent fountain sodas? And I have no idea where this $30 gift card came from, but it was truly the highlight of a pretty great weekend to begin with. $30 dollars to QT... the possibilities are endless!

#2- I went to the O'Fallon Brewery Tap Room place/restaurant/bar with my neighbor and friend (she is my neighbor but also my friend, so I'm not sure which descriptor I should use), and it was pretty amazing. They have SEVEN pumpkin beers on tap, including pumpkin, peach pumpkin, vanilla pumpkin, IMPERIAL pumpkin which is very, very, very pumpkiny and good, and some other ones I can't remember due to the quantity of pumpkin-flavored beer I consumed.  I also tried strawberry beer which was good too. And I didn't even get the Wheach on tap which is my usual favorite because there were so many other delicious-sounding options. (Sidebar- Harry just came out of his room to tell me he had a bad dream which is bullshit because he most definitely has not even fallen asleep yet, and he had to pass by Jamie who is sleeping on his floor to come tell me this. He walked over his dad who is in his room, asleep, on the floor, to come lie to me about a bad dream. I am either doing something very wrong or very right as a parent.) So if you are in the Maryland Heights area, or even if you're not, you should definitely check it out and invite me because it is kind of hard to find and I will guide your way and there's a lot more beer to try and the pumpkin-beer clock is a tickin'!

#3- Finally, I don't know if I ever made a formal announcement but we got some new appliances, a new fridge, washer and dryer, and they have changed my life for the better. That is not a lie or an exaggeration, I am a happier person since acquiring these new, wonderful things. The fridge is so big. Like so big. When I think there won't be room for all the groceries I bought?- I am wrong, there is room. There's a crushed ice maker and the cheese drawer is perfectly placed, it plays you a song if you leave the doors open to long... it's my new best friend. Or at least it was my new best friend until today when I washed and dried FOUR PILLOWS PLUS BEDDING in my new washer and dryer. I fully realize this is disgusting and I should not admit this but I never washed our pillows with our old washer and dryer. And I don't mean never like the skinny athletic person who says 'I NEVER go to the gym,' when they actually go all the time, or like me when I say 'I NEVER hide candy in my purse and eat in the car when I'm alone,' when there is candy in my purse right ow and I had a cookies and cream bar in the Walgreens parking lot today, I mean I NEVER washed our pillows. It is disgusting, you should all shun me, but it was just such a giant pain in the ass, it would take forever to dry, the washing machine would get all effed up from spinning the soaking wet pillows, it just wasn't worth it. The very few times I have washed pillows in the 12 years since I've been an adult living out of my parents home, I've done them one at a time. So being able to do all four from our bed, wash and dry, plus some sheets in one load is life-changing. Maybe this horrible rash that itches constantly and oozes smelly discharge that's behind my hair that I've had for 12 years will finally clear up. I'm kidding of course. Of course...

Brain break

I read somewhere that season four of Homeland was supposed to be on Netflix this month but it's not there. I search for it every day. And I don't understand:
a- how it could be on Netflix because I thought Hulu had an agreement with Showtime and Homeland is on Showtime.
b- why they would only put season four of a show on, that makes no sense. Unless Netflix is catering to Jamie and I only, as we have seen the first three seasons so really only having season four is perfect for us, and I know we are pretty special and amazing but I didn't know we were THAT special and amazing. But apparently we are. Thank you Netflix!
c- when is the latest season of Louie going to be on Netflix? Netflix executives who are reading my blog, can you please address this in the comments.

To switch back to Hulu, we've been watching the first season of Fargo which is amazeballs. So good. I think that Martin Freeman is just like the best actor ever. He was Tim on the British version of The Office, The Hobbit (?) or maybe just one of the hobbits, Holmes, and now this total jerk with a horrible accent on Fargo. He's the bees knees when it comes to acting. Get this man an Emmy, or better yet just give him an EGOT.

Weezer is coming to St. Louis and I want to go.

I haven't been to IKEA yet, but I did get a catalog in the mail!!!! Progress!

I lost my fitbit at work and I am so sad. I am fully aware that the fitbit was 10% truth, 90% total bullshit/arm movements, but I liked it. I bought into the lie. And now that the lie is gone, my motivation to lose weight is gone too. I was doing so well, Jamie is always telling me how skinny I look and that I should eat more. The only thing that eases my pain is the Garrett's popcorn my neighbors brought me from Chicago. Imagine all the 'steps' I could have brought in from shoveling that into my mouth with both hands!!!! RIP fitbit, you will be missed. But mostly, RIP Garrett's popcorn, I ate the last of you today. You will be missed so very much more than that stupid, lying fitbit.

I'm trying to avoid talking about teaching because I don't know the new rules of blogging and teaching. Or if there are any rules. All I know is some teacher at Central High said something stupid on Facebook or Twitter and then she was all over the local news, and I do not want to end up all over the local news. I will say this:
- It is tiring. My feet hurt, and I bought the most God awful ugly shoes this summer 110% based on comfort and they still hurt at the end of every day.
- I have about two pairs of pants and four shirts that are work appropriate. Five years of SAHMotherhood has drastically reduced my wardrobe of clothes that one should wear in public. I don't know if I have any long pants besides jeans that fit anymore (from all my weight loss), and winter is coming... I have to go shopping.
- But I have this job that keeps me from shopping during the day.
-  And the thought of shopping on the weekends sounds horrible. I can see why people shop online for clothes, an idea that has always horrified me, but I may be embracing soon.
- My students are cute. They are mostly really, really well behaved and smart. I am very lucky to be teaching where I'm teaching. I have a boss who is a friend and more importantly a great leader, my coworkers are nice and helpful, and it is close to home. I have to fight the urge to kiss them (don't alert the authorities yet), but it's weird- for five years I've had children to love on and hug on all day every day (I realize this is sounding worse by the word), and it's hard to break that mindset. I did kiss a boo boo on the finger today, so if my next blog post is all about how I am no longer employed, you'll know why.
- I do have a student who every day has told me he loves me so I tell him that I love him too. And I really do love him.
- I teach in a loud voice. I am already a loud talker, but my teaching voice is just naturally loud. Maybe it's from teaching middle school for so long. On my first day in kindergarten one of my kids told me that if I kept yelling I was going to lose my voice. But I wasn't yelling, I was just talking. So I need to work on that. I don't want to be known as the yelling teacher.
- I want to be known as the well-dressed teacher. If teaching in sweatpants and no bra ever becomes a thing, the title will be mine!
- Something that is new to me in the teaching realm is this high-tech thing called youtube. It is all the rage with the kindergarten teacher set. Apparently kindergarteners need 'brain breaks' and the best way to do brain breaks is by watching videos of grown men acting ridiculous and singing nonsense songs. Or acting ridiculous and counting to 100. Or acting ridiculous and spelling sight words.

In my next life, I'm going to make a million dollars by dancing around like an idiot in a video on youtube.

But right now I have to watch the season finale of Fargo. You betcha!

What's up?

It's been another long time no blog, and Jamie is out seeing a concert and the kids are in bed and I'm not tired so it's the perfect time to do an upate! It's been a busy, busy, busy time here at the VanDernoot estate, mostly because I've been working the last three weeks. I figured the best way to rip the bandaid off of my five-year unemployment was to agree to a three-week long subbing gig in kindergarten- I just can't get enough of kindergarteners! I think that's the perfect strategy for going full-blown insane as fast as possible- only teach in whatever grade my children are in. Because whatever age Harry and Penny are is the best age ever. Except for ages 0- 4. Those were terrible.

No seriously, I really can't get enough of five-year-olds. I think it was actually helpful somehow in making the transition from full-time SAHM to part-time SAHM with a large chunk of my day sans children. Because as much as I did enjoy being a lady of leisure for two weeks, I legit missed Harry and Penny and could get a little sad mid-day when I couldn't find anything good on TV to watch. So when I'm in a kindergarten classroom and a kid says/sobs 'I miss my mom' (which some kid is always either saying/sobbing or on the verge of saying/sobbing. I'm dead serious. Always.), I could say 'I miss my kids' and then the student would just kind of give me a strange look and back away slowly. But it was true. It was like a mini-support group except I was giving the student no support and they were giving me support but they didn't realize it/did not want to give me support but I was taking it anyway. A win/win for all!

The first week of working full-time was rough. The second week was okay. And by the third week I loved it. I never missed teaching the five years I was out, really, I never missed it, but now that I know I'm not going back next week I already miss it. I'm going to miss those little boogers. That were always coming out of the kid's noses. And the kids that the noses belong to. My next subbing assignment isn't until the end of the month and is for a friend who teaches middle school science, so I'm excited about that. Because if there is one age group who is notorious for following instructions without wavering from any authority figure, it is middle schoolers. I'm sure it will be a breeze!

I also started teaching Cubbies (three and four-year-olds) in my church's Awana program. It's on Tuesday evenings, we've had two sessions so far, and it's gone really well. Except that I forgot to ask the kids their memory verse which is the core component of the program, but so far, I haven't been fired. H and P are going to Sparks, and they memorized their memory verse which is John 3:16, which I think is pretty impressive. Except for the first few times they said it Penny would say 'For God so loved the world that he gave his only son Jesus, for whoever believes in him shall not perish and have a relaxing life' instead of have everlasting life. Hahahahahaha, religious kids say the darndest things. Jamie is LOVING all of this by the way, I think I can literally see the eyes rolling back in his head whenever the topic comes up, which is any time the kids are awake. You see, the kids got this CD with their Sparks book and it is the new fav in our house. Goodbye Boballoo and KidzBop Christmas, hello an entire song with all the books of the bible in it! Did you know there's a book of the Bible called Lamentations? There is. It's in this neverending song. And the Bible apparently. We are all learning so much! Jamie told the kids that he didn't believe in Jesus and God and Lamentations and I think he was expecting some kind of big reaction, or at least to make them stop playing the CD, but it didn't. Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers... it's a catchy tune.

Harry has his first soccer game tomorrow and he's nervous. I'm nervous too. I don't know why. Luckily the ballpark (soccer field park?) serves beer. My first inclination when he said he was nervous was to tell him he didn't have to play which probably explains my lack of competitive sport playing as a child. I don't get sport. How is it fun again? Please explain.

We bought a new fridge, washer and dryer today. They are all very fancy and high tech and our fridge has a crushed ice setting which is the only thing I remember about any of the new appliances. But we had to buy these things because we are FINALLY ready to rent our old house and need to put our current appliances in there for the future renters. It passed reinspection this week and the management company should have it listed this week. Halle-freaking-lujah. I'll add an Amen when they actually find someone to rent it.

We are flying to Colorado in one week for my cousin's wedding and I cannot wait. We're flying into Denver on Saturday, staying the night with my best friend, going to Manitou Springs (my favorite place ever) on Sunday through Tuesday, leaving for Breckenridge on Tuesday, wedding on Thursday, head back to Denver on Friday and fly home Saturday. It's going to be so fun! We're going to go to this dinky amusement park called the North Pole on Monday, we're going to go to Beau Joe's (!) at least seven times, Jamie's going to run through the Garden of the Gods and I'm going to eat ice cream from the best ice cream shop ever three times a day. Our goal was to be ready to do the Manitou Incline on this trip, but we'll have to save that for a future Colorado vacation. When I have a death wish. Or after my liposuction surgery.Or maybe Jamie and his second wife can do this on their honeymoon. Me and my second husband will cheer them on from the ice cream shop at the bottom.

How is this fun?

What else?
 Penny starts dance again on Monday.

The dog is getting her teeth cleaned on Wednesday.

We have two birthday parties tomorrow. Double cake day!

My twins sale is next Saturday and I'm selling close to 300 items.

We went camping last weekend and now I know what it feels like on the surface of the sun.

I finished watching Bloodline on Netflix.

 I think that's all! Update complete!

Welcome to the good life

We survived our first week (if you count a week as five non-consecutive days) of kindergarten!!!! Huzzah!!!! So I feel like a family check-in is in order:

First Penny-
-She loves kindergarten. She has a new best friend every day, and loves learning the letter of the day and the little dance move that goes with it. She loves riding the bus and today a boy named Michael gave her a 'friend ticket' (which was a Chuck E. Cheese ticket) and told her it meant she could sit by him on the bus. This did not make daddy or Harry happy, but I think it's cute. This week is color week where every day they wear a different color, (which is probably the most stressful thing going on in my life currently- what is Harry going to wear on pink day and purple day? And why is white day a thing? What kindergarten mom buys white clothes for their kids?), but she lives for 'special days' like this so she is in heaven. She sits at the girls table at lunch, plays hide and seek at recess, and asked her teacher what her first AND middle name are (Kim and Ann). She has not 'lost a cube' yet, which is their 2015 version of getting your name on the board. She has no idea what any other teacher's name is, but knows that the principal is Mr. Casner and that he is nice. And while she still wishes her school's mascot was a wildcat, she is adjusting to being a Bridgeway Bulldog.

Now Harry-
- He likes kindergarten. He was very excited for his 'break' on Friday, which normal people would call a weekend, but he called a break. I guess when you've lived your whole life as basically one long weekend, the whole concept is hard to grasp. He asked me at the bus stop on Monday morning when the next break was and I tried to once again explain the concept of the weekend, but he said, Nooo, I mean a long break, and this is the first full week of school folks. And then this morning he said, Mom, I want to be like you, and for a moment I'm all 'Awww, he really respects and loves me and thinks I'm an amazing human being,' and so I said Why and he said Because you get to stay home all day. So the next thirteen years are just going to be a blast for him! I always said I could home school him but not Penny, but I value my sanity more than my children so I will home school no one. The best day thus far was yesterday for him when they went to the library, and got to check out TWO books and if he brings them back Thursday he'll get to check out TWO more books. Like he's never been to the library before and doesn't have shelves upon shelves of books. But hey, whatever gets him excited, makes me excited. And he told my mom and me that his PE teacher's name is Jim again tonight, even though everyone has told him 100 times that it is not. Maybe he'll learn his name by spring break.

- He also had his first soccer practice last week and... there is now no denying that he inherited my running ability. Or should I say lack of ability. And when I told him he had practice tomorrow (his second ever), he had a heavy sigh in response. I don't foresee a long career of little league soccer, which really upsets me because there's nothing I enjoy more than waking up early to sit on the surface of the sun and watch children kick a ball. Really. I'm heartbroken. BUT we saw a bald eagle flying over the field at practice which was pretty cool, AND soccer is costing us zero dollars because his team is doing a raffle for some Cardinals tickets and he works with a bunch of suckers who bought them all, like they really think they're going to win these baseball tickets. Cardinals fans. So naive. So full of hope. But hey, I was fully prepared to just write a check and throw the raffle tickets in the trash so I'm pumped! Go Cards!

Then Jamie-
- He is currently sleeping in the recliner, with the recliner being in upright and seated position, even though I told him to go to bed, but he never listens to me. I bet if I said Hey, you should continue to sleep in that recliner, I LOVE it when you do that, he would have jumped up and gone to bed. I love him so much right now. Actually, this is all coming out of my extreme jealousy of his ability to fall asleep anywhere at any time. To dreeeeeam... the impossible dreeeeeeam...

- His work is having an 80's theme party on Friday which I HATE already because Why God Why? Why have a themed corporate party, just to make all the wives hunt around every thrift store in the area looking for stupid clothes they're never going to wear again? I think that is really the only reason. And when I told Jamie I looked around today and couldn't find anything and did he really even care about dressing up anyway, he said Yes. Yes he wanted to. Is there a box for this in an online divorce form? Who wants to 'dress up' as an adult? Not me. And why the 80's, I mean we are basically back in the 80's as far as fashion (minus the shoulder pads, may they rest in peace and NEVER come back), so I could basically go to any department store or H&M and get a full outfit, but then will I offend someone who has that outfit for real? I found some denim vests today at Red Racks, did people wear denim vests in 80's or was that the 90's? When will my boobs ever fit in a vest? Are vests back? These are all questions I need to know before I go to sleep tonight. I really just want to magically find some stonewashed jeans in my size (do they make them in a double zero?) and a Guns N Roses t-shirt and call it a day. Who can help me? Is there a personal shopper for thrift stores?

And last, but certainly not least, me-
- I did a google image search for euphoria and the first sub-category was fedora. And then there was this:

this:

and mostly this:

I think I could spend all day doing google image searches and never be let down. What the hell do fedora's have to do with being euphoric?
But I am euphoric, this whole lady of leisure thing is pretty fan-freaking-tastic. Although I do have a subbing job for four days next week, which I'm really pumped about. Students have a long history of respecting and listening to substitute teachers, so I know it will be the easiest job I've ever had. Right?

Until then, me and my fedora will be chilling at home and watching Netflix. Euphoric.

The days are long...

I am going to be a mess on the first day of kindergarten and I'm scared. I almost don't want to go because of the scene I know I'm going to make. Teachers will be talking about it for years. I will be the first parent specifically asked NOT to join the PTA (it's actually a PTO at their school, but I"m so used to PTA that I will probably call it a PTA forever, which will make me really popular in the PTO), and a restraining order will be made against all incoming kindergarten mothers for the first day of school every year, which will be referred to as 'being Racheled'. And Jamie has decided to go in late to work which will only make it worse because he loves me so much that every time he sees me cry, he starts to cry. And anytime she is not in REM sleep, there is a 75% chance that Penny could cry. Poor Harry.

Raise your hand (I'm practicing my teacher skills for subbing) if you have seen me cry.  Like really cry. Probably ten people (out of the twelve that read this) are raising their hands and they know that my fear is real. You see, I never really learned the fine art of crying quietly. A quick google search of woman crying brings up results like this:

The text next to this photo said 'Is your dog the reason you are still single?' I am not even shitting you right now. 

She's crying, but still maintaining an eleven on the sexiness scale. Which should be the number one goal of any crying woman. 

And this head scratcher:

What is this and what does it have to do with woman crying and I apologize for the nightmare you're going to have tonight.

I had to go the subcategory of hysterically to try to get an accurate picture of what I look like crying, but instead all I got was this:

Still sexy, and the text next to this one said 'Are you beach body ready?' What in the world?

And this:

She looks real hysterical. But we do have a strikingly similar tattoo in the same location, that's weird.

And the text next to that gem of a picture above said (and I"m not even kidding you right now), 'You're crying over a plastic vagina!' What has the internet come too??? Where are my cute cat videos???

Anyway, I think you got the point, I"m an ugly crier. Like Sally Field at the end of Steel Magnolias, which not surprisingly, always makes me ugly cry too. And I really don't want my first impression at the school to be of the hysterical woman clinging to her equally hysterical daughter. I feel that any sign of sadness or weakness on my end will be the pebble that makes the whole 'Penny is excited for kindergarten' charade fall down. She is excited, she just doesn't know it yet.

And I'm excited too, I really, really am, for oh so very many reasons, but the one that really stands out to me today is that I am over being a full-time parent. I'm over it. I did it for five years, I loved it for about 25% of those five years (I think that covers the amount of time kids sleep each night), I had fun, I made friends, I slept in, I basically wore pajamas as clothes most of the day (even in public), and it was GREAT, it really, really was, and I am blessed beyond measure that Jamie's job allowed me to do that and I don't have any regrets. But as I was standing in the bathroom of the Dollar Tree today, staring at Harrison who had just peed his pants, did I mention we were in the bathroom of the Dollar Tree? With two toilets? About five feet from where he peed his pants at? You know, because we were IN THE MOTHEREFFING BATHROOM OF THE DOLLAR TREE AND HE COULDN'T TAKE ABOUT FIVE STEPS TO THE TOILET SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO TO MARSHALL'S AND SPEND FIVE DOLLARS ON SHORTS THAT WE DEFINITELY DON'T NEED SO HE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO HIS DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT WITH OBVIOUSLY PEED PANTS. Whew, it felt good to get that out. Because as much as I wanted to literally scream this at him, I somehow kept it together and didn't abandon him, beat him, tear apart the Dollar Tree looking for a drop of alcohol, get in my car and just drive, none of that, I politely asked him why in the name of Mary, Jesus and Joseph did he not put one foot in front of the other about five times and pee in the God forsaken toilet instead of  down his leg, and when he shrugged his shoulders and said sorry, I accepted that and  walked calmly over to Marshalls to purchase new shorts. (And I should say that H has never peed his pants before this, ever, so I guess I should be grateful and hopeful that this was a first and a last type of thing.)

So I'm done. I'm done. I'm done! No more staring down a week of no plans and trying to fill at least four-five hours a day with activity so we don't lose our minds in the house, like I was doing in the Aldi parking lot today. And then it hit me that Monday we're going to Aquaport, Tuesday we're planning on seeing that damn polar bear at the zoo finally, and then Wednesday- I never have to plan the social calendar for children on a daily basis ever again! And yes, I"m sad, it's the end of an era, a door is closing and all, but another door is opening and I think what's behind this door is going to be even more exciting than before.

I signed Harry up for a study at Wash U a while ago and we finally did it this week, and one of the questions that I was asked was, 'When was the best time of your life?' And guess what I just blurted out, like not even thinking? Undergrad. And then I instantly felt guilty and bad, like I should have obviously said that these last five years have been the best time of my life. But it doesn''t feel true right now. I've been beating myself up about it, but I've decided that it's probably unfair to compare the time in my life when I had the least amount of responsibility to the time in my life when I've had the most responsibility and not feel that the time I was freer was the best time. Right? RIGHT??? Raise your hand if you agree with me. Good, everyone raised their hand, I can sleep easy tonight.

But the night before kindergarten? There will be no easy sleep for me, although taking a Nyquil at about 8 pm and hoping for the best is the plan for now. I would like to end this post with the end of the book I read the kids tonight, which is titled... The Night Before Kindergarten.

Of course this book made me cry. Pray for me.

I've Never... written a short blog

My Trending Now on Netflix shows this: Rescue Bots, Octonauts, Clifford, Johnny Test, Mighty Machines, Justin Time, and the list of kid's shows goes on. Could these seriously be trending? Jamie says yes, but I think he's messing with me. My Popular on Netflix list shows: Kipper, Color Crew, Leapfrog, Peep: Big Wide World and Garfield. Is this a real list? Are all these shows seriously popular? About the only thing I can say that Netflix got right is that they list The Fox and the Hound under Dramas. That shit is sad. And very dramatic.

I am all applied to sub for Hazelwood and Pattonville, and I have an orientation for Hazelwood in a couple of weeks. I'm actually excited, for real. I'm sure after about two and a half hours of actually subbing the excitement will be blasted off of me by rowdy children, but for now, I'm letting the euphoria of new employment wash over me. I am subbing for a few different reasons.

• For one, I can't stay home all day every day while the kids are in school and not end up on My 600-lb Life by the end of the school year. Some people stress-eat, I bored-eat. Although I really would like to meet that doctor who does all the surgeries on My 600-lb Life because he seems like an asshole yet at times compassionate on the show, and I can't tell if it's a cultural thing because I think he's from a different country, or if he has a speech impediment and just doesn't like to talk very much, but I do feel like if I do get up to 600 pounds it will be purely for investigative journalism and not for enjoyment. I will not enjoy a second of constantly eating fatty foods. Disgusting, am I right?

• For two, I legit miss teaching and am excited to get back in the classroom, even if it is only in a temporary capacity. Or should I say especially because it is in a temporary capacity. I love the idea of part-time work, really, it sounds like the only kind of work for me. Part-time mother, part-time lover, part-time teacher= complete Rachel. 

• For three, Ikea. Or is it IKEA? These are the things I'm going to need to know when I basically move into ikea when the store opens on September 30th, and don't move out until I have spent all of the kid's college funds on furniture and household goods. Just about everything in our house is a hand-me-down, and while we are grateful for all the furniture we've been given, we (I) are ready for NEW things, like not a recliner that is coated in breast milk or a couch that is coated in toddler urine and cat barf. Who wants to come visit? Lactating mothers of toddler with cats are not invited.

• And for four, Mexico. We are going to Mexico next summer and while it ain't expensive, it ain't cheap either. I'm actually shocked that we are going, I consider Jamie's approval of this trip to be one of my biggest wins ever. For you see, he is an alien from a planet of workers, and he doesn't appreciate or value a VACATION where you just lie around by the beach or the pool and drink and eat and drink and eat and nap and read and nap and read all. day. long. He wants to 'do stuff' which sounds just terrible. On our honeymoon he forced me onto a glass-bottom boat, which I thought would be a big group event, but it was literally me, Jamie, and the boat driver and I refused to get in the water to snorkel because I just knew the boat driver was waiting for us both to get off the boat in order to drive off and leave us in the middle of the ocean because that's what happens on Lifetime movie's and my life is nothing if not a Lifetime movie. I mean you've all seen The Babysitter's Seduction right? And let's not forget The 12 Men of Christmas and Inspector Mom. So anyway, we're going to Mexico and I couldn't be more excited but I'd get more sleep at night if the cartels would stop kidnapping and killing people on the regular, so someone work on that for me by next June please. Thank you. 

I'm teaching crafts at VBS this week and I asked the third and fourth graders what game they played today and they played I Never. And I was seriously taken aback, I was like I Never? I haven't played that since college! and the two high school helpers laughed, and I was mortified because I thought I was saying it to myself and then I was mortified and horrified because I think they know what I'm talking about but I'm not really sure, I mean they are volunteering for Vacation Bible School all week so I don't see them as the I Never-type, but now I'm wondering if there is some other version of I Never that I don't know about that is taking high schools by storm that's even worse than the version I played in college (like with S-E-X or something) and they think that's the version I was talking about, and I've basically been worrying about this all day. And I'm 100% positive the teenagers have thought about it zero times. It also made me think of when I was at church camp one summer and the counselors had us play Suck and Blow. And this was before Clueless, so I don't know if they honestly thought it was a fun, kid-appropriate game, but I was like 13 and it was the best game I ever played. We played it a LOT. Church camp for me was basically the opposite of whatever picture pops in your head when you hear the words church camp. So this this will make Jamie happy, because I'm declaring right now that our kids are never going to church camp.

But on a serious note, I have been giving a lot of thought to church and why I'm raising my kids in a church because I am the way minority from my mommy friend circle. I can think of three friends that I didn't meet in church that take their kids to church on a regular basis. And there are a number of reasons that it's important to me that my kids are exposed to religion throughout their childhood, but the one that keeps popping up is that it gives my kids the feeling and the sense that they are loved by someone outside of their family and friend circle, someone so much bigger and greater than anyone they have actually met, and I think that's an awesome feeling. And I"m glad my kids have that knowledge. I do these birthday books with them every year, where you interview them and one of the questions was 'Say what comes to mind when I say: home, sister, pet, blah, blah, blah' and one of them was God, and they both said on their own (I separated them so I wouldn't get the same answers) 'He loves us.' It actually brought a little cross-shaped tear to my eye. You all have permission to publicly stone me if you ever see a 99.1 sticker on my car, and I'm sure Jamie would divorce me, but I did program it on the number 5 spot on FM2, which is one spot above KSHE95 and below Hot 104.1. It's kind of awkward for all three stations, but they're working through it.

Speaking of religion, we went to the pool this weekend and there were three women in what I have come to learn are called birkini's (unless Jamie is once again messing with me), but basically it was head to toe coverage, where you could only see the lady's face, head and feet. And I was telling my mom about it because I'd never seen one before and now she wants one. And I might just get her one. Because she would actually wear it and that would be kind of the cherry on the sundae of my life. She really, really hates the sun. It is her number one enemy. She wears sunscreen on Christmas Day. She once wore a hat, sunglases, sun screen, and a long sleeve cover up in an indoor waterpark.

My mom could totally pull this off, although you will never see her in the ocean. Water is her number two enemy.

We saw the Minion's movie today, I wanted to see Inside Out but then my mom started telling me how (spoiler alert) the girl starts losing her imagination and the thing that is her imagination actually start disappearing and her just telling me about it made me tear up. I have a strict policy against paying money for a movie that is going to make me cry. I will watch it eventually, but only when I can rent it for free from the library. Plus on the way there Harry said he didn't want to see it because he is scared of the red guy, so that solidified my decision to avoid the movie. My review for the Minions is that I did not hate it! I did fall asleep for at least a half hour, so that probably helped, but seriously it wasn't as torturous as the commercials made it seem. While I will never, ever, ever understand the Minion obsession by grown adults, I can recommend the movie to extremely bored and tired moms who need a nap. And if you stay through the credits like Penny made us do, there's a whole little Minion music video to Revolution. I'm sure John Lennon is spinning in his grave. Revolution indeed.

Two for Tuesday

Last week at karate there was a dad who was wearing a shirt that said Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced. On the front of his shirt. It pretty much took up the whole front of his shirt. Now the class is for 4, 5 and 6 year-olds so I don't think any of the kids could read it (I haven't spotted any super geniuses yet), but come on. COME ON. People make weird choices. Also, who had a child with this man? AND, not one person kissed him during karate class so the shirt is obviously broken, it has no powers of persuasion left. This shirt knocked the #hangry shirt that one of the mom's wears every single week out of the top spot of my karate parent judgment circle. I am a black belt in silently judging, it's a great time-killer.

We have an electric stove which I hate, but am adjusting my cooking to, but something I cannot adjust to is every time I'm standing next to it stirring a pot or flipping a quesadilla (H eats a lot of quesadillas) my stomach hits the on button for the burners and turns a burner on. Like every time. It's like my stove is taunting me. I've taken to sucking my stomach in while cooking like the stove is a cute guy or something. I've decided I'll just start cooking in a corset, a quick google search gave me many options, but after a few seconds of research I ordered this one.

This is the Seed of Life corset, it just looked the most ME to me.

I'm trying to do as much psychological damage as possible to my kids while they're young. That's really what a mom's job is, don't you think? Let's get cookin'!

My 600-lb Life

It's been a long time, no blog, so here's what we've been up to this month:

- I've been watching a lot of My 600-lb Life, I came across it at the Y one day since we don't have cable, but much to my delight I discovered that it is on Huluplus. I don't know why I like it; it's kind of horrifying and disturbing, and it doesn't always end in a success story so it's not like it's necesarily uplifting. But it is motivating to watch while working out and most of the time I'll keep working out longer just to see how it ends, and Jamie was complaining about going to work and I told him about this idea I got while watching an episode the other day where the woman got disability because of her size and her husband couldn't work because he had to take care of her all the time and they were making do, and I told him that I would be willing to do that for him, he just had to give me a few months, but he found my idea not really that exciting so I feel like it is also motivating him to go to work and be happy that his job is sitting at a computer and not rolling me on and off my bedpan five times a day (although with my bladder it would probably be more like ten times a day). Everybody wins.

- The kids went to Magic House camp which they loved. I feel like they received little to no science instruction at their Baptist preschool so the two weeks they're getting at camp this summer make up for two years right? RIGHT? They started two weeks of Bridgeton day camp this week and they both said they wanted to go back tomorrow so yay for that. They are separated by gender, and this is the first time I think they have actually ever been separated so you know that went really well with Penny. When I dropped them off, Harry was handed a donut immediately by a kid in his group (who I'm assuming brought them in for his birthday?) and Penny was handed nothing except the separation anxiety she carries with her constantly, so we all got a treat! But like any caring mother, I left her in the capable hands of her two sixteen-year-old counselors and got to the Y as fast as I could to not miss a minute of my show. My 600-lb Life.Have I mentioned I've been watching that show?

- We are going camping this weekend and I'm not dreading it. I am obsessively checking the forecast, which I've heard helps you have the weather that you want. We are going with our good friends, and we're going to Elephant Rocks, and camping to me equals drinking all day but you never really feel it because you are just sweating constantly, so I don't know if you could say I"m excited but maybe we could go as far as saying I'm exci.

- My sister had another baby, a girl, Envy Grayce. So I'm a Teetee again. Yep.

FIVE

*Programming note- My mom told me after my last blog that it was a nice blog and funny and she liked it, but that I should no longer use the F word. It's not classy or something. So to avoid disappointing my mom any more than I already have,  the only F word in this post will be FIVE. To bring honor back to my family's name. Just like Kung Fu Panda, which I saw a tiny portion of this weekend. 

Harrison and Penelope turned FIVE yesterday somehow, which is strange because I have limited memories of everything between Penny leaving the NICU and yesterday. And I only remember the NICU because of the peace and quiet- the last peace and quiet I have ever had. And of course the mini-fridge of pudding. I didn't discover the soft-serve machine in the cafeteria until the tail end of the NICU stay, which is a good thing because they wouldn't have let me bring her into the cafeteria, so I would have seen her only about half the time. I hear there's free refills on soft-serve when no one is watching...

So yesterday was the big day, coming off a big weekend trip to Chicago which was a lot of fun but pretty exhausting. For once in my life I did not procrastinate and made sure to have all presents wrapped and ready to go before we left for our trip, which was a good thing as we didn't get home until about eight the night before their birthday. Thanks to the Time Hop app, I could see that in past years I had made amazingly witty and hilarious comments about how exhausting their birthday was for me, and this year was no exception. We had a very busy day!

Jamie took off work so we were able to wake up slowly and take our time with the present-opening. I only gave them five presents each in the morning, and saved the rest for the family party in the evening. Most of the presents were bought at the twins sale and I had completely forgotten what I had bought (which is a serious problem that happens to me at every gift-giving event), and the rest I bought on Amazon after searching 'educational toys'. This is what happens to you when your mom is a teacher. But I think I did okay, Jamie even complimented me on the gift choices which is high praise coming from a cheap, cheap man.

Dueling stomp rockets, the creator must have had twins. Notice our 'new' recliner in the background, it is a hand-me-down from my dad's cabin in Ohio- very comfortable!

Kidz Bop 28 or some high number aka The Reason Mom Drinks and Drives (not really. yet.)

Penny loves to play school, so I figured this would be helpful. There are even hall passes! And a bell!

Harry is obsessed with knowing what time it is, so we got a watch to keep us from going crazy telling him the time constantly help him learn how to tell time. He has only taken it off to shower, he insists on wearing it to bed. I think this was the favorite gift.

Penny has an unhealthy obsession with the alphabet (I've already contacted Dr. Phil), so I made her an alphabet box, the only crafty thing I have ever done or will ever do. So the next time you come over, be sure to praise me in person for it. Or expect to be shown the door. 

 

This is one noisy-ass game. A twin sale purchase I forgot about and should have been thrown away immediately following purchase.

 At some point we had breakfast (Apple cake, to feed the alphabet obsession), did laundry, got dressed and my niece Gracie came over to go to the zoo with us. Gracie is seven and very good at entertaining my children so that I don't have to. I love Gracie.

Playing school. Obviously.

Then we headed to the zoo for a quick trip to the gift shop. I have never been one to buy toys or gifts without reason, nothing good could have come from starting that practice. So whenever we're anywhere and the kids want something I always tell them to put it on their birthday/Christmas list OR that we'll come back on their birthday and buy them whatever it is they so desperately want/need. The last time we were at the zoo, H found a plastic undersea toy set at the sting ray exhibit that he put on his birthday list and I instantly forgot about but he did not. So we saw the sting rays, the sea lion show, the chimps and the gift shop. Quickest trip we've ever taken. Gotta love the free zoo. 

I made the mistake of telling the kids that they could have soda when they turned five because at the time five seemed so far away and so old. It was not and is not. I also told them they could chew gum when they turned five which they have not remembered yet and I will not be reminding them of. I must have been really drunk when I said all this shit.

Red hat that is WAY too small, pink shirt that is WAY too big, purple shorts that are designed to go under a skirt- someone call Glamour, we got a fashion don't on our hands.

Someone (Jamie) wanted to wait around after the show to see the Sea Lion up close. He claims something was in his eye, but I'm pretty sure they were actual tears of joy.

We waited in this long ass line to see the penguins before I was like 'Why the hell are we waiting in this long ass line to see the penguins, we have seen them 100 times?' I'm blaming heat stroke.

The object of his desire. Penny picked a Bear of course because it starts with B. And we already did A for the day because of the apple cake. Duh. The C was Cabernet Sauvignon.

 Jamie took Harry to karate where he got his second orange stripe, which is literally a piece of orange tape wrapped around his white belt. And costs $17. I wish I were joking about either of those. And Penny and I made a trip to Hallmark to buy one of her 'Birthday' girls, which is the one thing she wanted to do on her birthday when asked. We also went to Schnucks where I unintentionally stole a cookie from the bakery. It was the best damn cookie I've ever had.

My heart can't take all this cuteness.

Number 5 Birthday Girl!

We had the grandparents over for dinner and presents, I give two thumbs up to the fried chicken from Schnucks. In case you were wondering.

Penny got a Butterfly Garden thing with real live caterpillars! There was a debate initially about if the caterpillars were alive, but they were. Let the fun begin!

Spoiler alert- they got lots of books.

Harry with Grandpa Charlie. If Penny were a boy, she would be Harrison and Harrison would have been Charlie!

We love Great-Grandma!

Have you heard of the Cake Boss? He had nothing to do with this cake.

They had to share a wish. So tragic.

 So that was five. On day two of being five, Harrison never got out of his pj's and we only left the house to take the dog for a walk. Day two was much more relaxing than day one. Let's hope year five is the best one yet!

Person to Person

-We 'got' a dog in the sense that we watched my parents dog when they were out of town and never gave it back. She is a good dog, but I really don't know much about dogs anymore, I feel like I should be buying a Kong or a Konk and filling it with peanut butter? Or wet dog food? And maybe a thunder shirt? What are these words and what do they mean? And my parents never played with her, she doesn't even know what a dog toy is. For realz. She is like the Annie of dogs if dogs had their own musicals. Jamie even has the same hair as Daddy Warbucks! hahahahahahahahaha  He came home sick from work today so I just gotta kick him when he's down ya know? It's what I do.

Anyway, I don't know much about dogs except you feed them and water them and walk them, so I've been taking her for a walk every day. Which has helped me meet my stupid fitbit goal of 1 million steps or something ludicrous (I originally spelled this Ludacris, but somehow that is wrong- Attention Ludacris the rapper- you have been spelling your name wrong for years!) which I don't really even count because the thing has started it's celebratory vibrating when I've been:
-clapping
-talking with my hands
-combing my hair
- trimming the bushes at the old house (this one happened today)

But I decided a while ago to actually make an effort and wear it and for about the last three weeks or so I've met the goal. Because of the dog walking.  I've been feeling pretty good about myself lately, I can look down when I'm naked and see my toes which I once saw in a Garfield comic (I wish I were joking but I am dead serious) and has always been my barometer for Rachel, it's time to put the cookies down and get off your ass or Rachel, you can have that extra cookie today because you can see your toes this morning! (I wonder why I can never successfully lose weight and keep it off?) So I decided to bite the bullet at the Y today and actually weigh myself and I've lost FOUR AMERICAN POUNDS. From the stupid dog walking. I've been a member of the fucking Y for TEN MONTHS, I have swam, I have Zumba'd, I have Pilate'd, Elipticaled, weightlifted, etc and I have not lost one pound- I haven't gained one pound either, but I have been 113 (give or take 40-80 pounds) for ten straight months. Until today. Now I am 109 (give or take 50-90 pounds). So I basically should be paying Remy my $68 a month. Except my mom now also joined the Y under my membership and the Y is the best thing that ever happened to her, counting the birth of her favorite daughter, so I can't quit. But maybe I'll buy Remy a Donk and fill it with Nutella. And we can share it.I also think I'll open up a weight loss center a la Jenny Craig and just hand people a dog and a leash after I charge them $500- they will be Rescue Dogs of course so don't get all your I Rescued my Dog and Who Rescued Who? bumper sticker panties in a bunch. Or I'll write a New York Times Bestselling Book on weight-loss and it will have three pages:
Page 1- Walk
Page 2- A
Page 3- Dog
Epilogue- Of course only a Rescue Dog so you can tell everyone you got a Rescue Dog AND lost weight, so you are a doubly good person.
 
-I have real mixed feelings about the end of Mad Men- I really, so very badly, more than anything I've wanted in my whole life including my children who I paid $20,000 for, wanted him to go back to New York and be a fucking parent to his children for once in his life and give Sally a break and maybe a hug? but that didn't happen of course, instead we got this super ambiguous ending, but I have decided after the second viewing that he definitely did make that Coke ad which means he did go back to New York so at least he did the first part of the thing I really wanted him to do. So I guess I can live with that. In case you were wondering how I felt about the ending of Mad Men. AS I KNOW YOU WERE.

-I was listening to Fresh Air today on the dog walk (another benefit of the dog walk is I can catch up with my NPR that I miss), and she was interviewing someone about racism in housing preferences and how that practice is one of the root causes of the problems in Ferguson and Baltimore, which of course is 100% right and the guy was talking about the differences in houses, how what used to be houses that all people could afford are now $400- $500,000 houses, like in Ferguson and I'm like what? Where are these $400- $500,000 houses in Ferguson? Annoying. This is the thing that has bothered me so very much about the media's coverage of Ferguson- apparently it's either all slums and crack dens or super fabulous expensive houses for the white people with a section of shitty houses for the black people on the outskirts of town, depending on who's 'reporting'. But I still think I'll read the guys book, it sounded interesting.

-Speaking of crazy expensive houses, I started watching Flip or Flop at the Y as either I work out at the same time all the time or it is on HGTV constantly during the day. Either way, today they bought a 1,500 square foot house at auction for $410,000 and it literally did not even have floors. What is wrong with these people? And they were going to try to sell it for somewhere in the $700's for 1500 square feet! And it was not even cute! The crazy housing prices is the only thing keeping me from moving to California right now besides the lack of water and average sized people. Does everyone in California make like three times what people in St. Louis make and that's why the houses are so expensive? Where do the teachers live? Where do the bus drivers live? These are the questions that keep me up at night. I need a Flip or Flop investigative report spin-off show.

- The kids last day of preschool is Thursday and today Penny cried when we left because she already misses it. I held it together but if she pulls that shit on Thursday I'm going to be in full-blown hysterics. I asked the teachers if they were happy this was the last week and they both said that they were sad because they really loved this class of kids, and that was not helping either. Maybe I'll make Jamie take them and pick them up as to not cause a scene. Although I'm getting my annual 'last day of school present to myself hour and a half massage' that morning, so that might chill me out some.

- I really should be wrapping presents tonight as H and P are spending the night at my mom's. But I'm just having SO. MUCH. FUN. blogging! Be sure to tune in next time when I blog about my adventures in gaining the four pounds I lost back- it's going to be epic. And covered in salted caramel.

Roundup review

Last night was kindergarten roundup. The principal, who is my new best friend, personally emailed me to remind me, and I emailed him back with something witty and hilarious, and he emailed ME back and said I was so funny and now we basically have a standing dinner date every week to talk about all the teachers and parents in the school. We haven't put anything on the calendar yet but I know it's coming. Oh and he's going to hire me as Vice-Principal at the end of the school year next year, even though that is not currently a position. He told me with his eyes.

Anywho, back to the roundup, everyone was THRILLED to go, and by everyone was thrilled I mean everyone had completely forgotten about it except me who had lost sleep over it all week and Penny only heard the part where I said that Jamie and I would be going to the library while she and Harry stayed in the classroom, and so she stressed about that all day. She was scared. Very, very scared. Scared of what I would ask her. Scared of the teachers, the kids, the desks, the table, the school, the principal, the automatic flush toilet- she has a totally rational fear of literally everything in the school. So when we got out of the car she attached herself to my leg and kind of whimpered for a half hour.

The first day of school is going to be fun!

But we did get in the classrooms and Penny warmed up to things eventually. The classrooms are huge and they each have their own bathrooms which is nice and convenient. We met the teachers and I asked a bunch of questions (they start reading groups right away but don't give the DRA until January?) and when it was time for the parents and kids to separate, she did okay. (We told Harry to hold her hand and lead her to the carpet and then we got the hell out, so I don't really know, but I'm assuming she did okay.)

When we were reunited the teacher said that they both did great, that there were actually tied for the smartest kids she has ever met in her life and that is 100% due to my exceptional parenting. At least I'm pretty sure she said that, it was noisy in the library. It turns out that the classroom they were in is the only one without an automatic flush toilet, and since the teacher at least pretended like she liked Penny, I'm going to go ahead and say that will be her teacher next year. Now the big debate will be keeping them together or separating them, obviously Penny wants to stay together and obviously Harry wants the opposite of whatever Penny wants. I asked the teacher how she would feel about having both of them and she said that would be fine with her, so I'll have to discuss it with my BFF over a pitcher of margos this summer. All of my teacher and principal friends say separate, and my gut says separate, but my husband says 'Why would we separate?' and according to our marriage vows, I have to heed all of his advice and do his bidding always. Keeping them together would make the first days of school exponentially easier on Penny (and me) (and her teacher), but I know that if we do separate them she'll get her shit together eventually.

Ugh. Whatever happened to the one-room schoolhouse so I wouldn't have to grapple with this? Life was so much easier in the 1800's.

A typical day

Monday, April 20th

8:44 am- I roll over in bed to look at the time and holy shit, it's 8:44. I haven't slept that long in a while, Penny is a late sleeper, but Harry consistently gets up between 7:30 and 8 every morning and climbs into bed with me to wake me up. I wonder where he is and then realize that I woke up to him yelling for me as he is on the computer and can't get to the Curious George game he wants. I wonder how long he's been on the computer and how he got on...

9:20- Penny wakes up. I make them breakfast, and by make them breakfast I mean unwrap a cereal bar for Penny and toast and butter a bagel for Harry. It's Harry's turn to pick a show so they watch his current favorite, Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

Mary Ann is waiting for her moment to knock Penny's chocolate milk over and stain my carpet. She is my sworn enemy.

9:50- Show's over, and I send the kids to go potty, brush their teeth and get dressed. One of the many, many things I love about our new house is that the kids can actually pick out their own clothes, and despite Penny's insistence that she HATES dresses on Easter and therefore refused to wear the dress I had specifically bought for her for Easter wearing purposes, she typically picks a dress. She likes to mess with me like that.

With the amount of toothpaste that gets left in the sink, we go through about a tube a week. It perpetually grosses me out to see it in the sink after every brushing. I need a maid just for the kid's bathroom.

It's a dress! A sleeveless dress! And it's 50 degrees and windy out!

Harry got distracted by puzzles. I packed his puzzles away like an idiot when we were staging the house, so he has been puzzle-crazy since I unpacked them.

I also found this rocket while unpacking, which Harry values highly so Penny must touch at every opportunity just to make him whine and cry. Twins are the best.

10:20- Penny got a basket for her bike from Grandma Marsha the day before, so she wants to put it on her bike. I open the garage door to have some light, and am surprised to see our friends! I couldn't have timed it better if I would have been looking for them.

Housewarming present from Cindy. The best part of getting a new house are the presents.

Taking Anna for a ride in the basket.

Cindy brought her kids bikes. so they rode in the court for a while why we tried not to freeze to death.

12:15- Lunch. Dinosaur chicken nuggets for the kids, calzones for the mom's.

Vivian prefers not to be photographed. 

After lunch- The kids played downstairs while Cindy and I caught up. We don't have a regular playgroup anymore with all the different school schedules everyone's on, and I miss my mommy friend time. There's not much I miss about them being 'little', but that is definitely one thing I do.

These girls.

Something hilarious must have happened, or they were sneaking jelly beans. I'm guessing the latter.

Listening to 'Kids Songs', this HORRIBLE CD that has been in my car for nine months, and which I purposely moved to the boom box in the basement so every time we're in the car and Penny says 'Can we listen to Kids Songs?' I can say 'Oh sweetie, I'm so sad, but the CD is in the basement.' all while I'm screaming with joy on the inside. At what age can kids start listening to Kanye?

Harry teaching Viv everything he knows about Hot Wheels tracks.

2ish- Our friends leave, we have two and a half hours to kill before leaving for dance. Ugh.

I got out the Fashion Plates that P got for Christmas that I immediately packed away thinking it would kill a half hour or so. Little did I know that H would also want to do Fashion Plates. WTF?

I tried to give him a bag of Legos to distract him, but you can see how much he was impressed by them.

Finally a turn!

While the kids fought played nicely, I switched out everything in my canisters to new Tupperware I bought. I love Tupperware. And my old canisters suck.

And I organized my 'baking' cabinet. Really thrilling stuff going on here.

I put hooks on the door for the kids jackets. I know. SUCH AN EXCITING LIFE!

My favorite child read a book quietly in his room for a half hour.

While this one made me play hide and go seek for a half hour.

This is her 'You found me'/'I found you' pose.

Look at my artsy photo brought to you by boredom while hiding in the bathroom.

I made Gumbo to keep warm in the crockpot while we're at dance. Having class at five really makes dinner hard to do. 

We named Jelly Belly's for a while...

FINALLY! Time to leave for dance class. Penny is pretty much obsessed with the library book she's holding 'Eating the Alphabet', so if anyone is looking for a birthday present idea...

4:52 pm- Pull into the Maryland Heights Community Center parking lot and realize we left her dance bag at home. We had two hours of nothing to do and I still forgot that bag. Go home to get bag.

5:12 pm- Pull back into the parking lot and run to the stage for the recital dress rehearsal. Penny has been waiting to dance on the stage again since about week three of practice, which is a complete 180 from the winter recital dress rehearsal where she refused to get on the stage at all and we left early and I had to go home and scream in a pillow to avoid beating her. That was also the night of the Ferguson verdict, so I like to think she was just on edge about that. She's a news junkie.

Penny has really loved dance class this session, and I hope it sticks. Having a kid in dance is the perfect activity for me, as it doesn't involve sitting outdoors sweating or freezing ever. Plus it's just darn adorable.

This is the only picture where most of them are doing the same thing. Progress!

Penny with her dance BFF during the free dance 'Fishy' song. She is way more into Bailey than Bailey is into her. But she hasn't figure it out yet, so it's all good.

Some day they're going to shake this bike rack hard enough for it to fall out of the ground and then we'll run away and pretend like we didn't do it. Babies first act of vandalism.

6:20- Home from dance. Make dinner for the kids, the gumbo is too spicy and the kids are too whiny. Jamie gets home just in time to eat with us, which is a rare treat these days. I find out that he was already up when Harry got up, so he was the one who set him up with the computer and he was only playing for about fifteen minutes before he yelled for help. Phew.

Notice the bottle of hot sauce. This gumbo is so spicy that my nose runs while eating it, yet Jamie puts hot sauce on it. Proof he's an alien?

Harrison takes 3, 862 pictures of the table.

7ish- Kids ride bikes and play with Jamie while I attempt to tackle the various plants growing in the backyard. I really have no idea what is a weed and what is an actual plant. Someone help me, I will pay you in wine.

Have I mentioned I love living on a court? Because I do. I love it so much I want to get it pregnant.

Quick, someone tell me what is a weed and what is a plant! Because I thought they were all weeds, but some of them had extremely deep and strong roots, so does that make them a plant? I hope so because I gave up on trying to get them out of the ground.

The swingset on the one flat patch of ground in our wonky backyard.

This bunny did not move the whole time I was out there. I bet if I go back and look, there will be babies! If the cats haven't killed them all yet. 

7:45- Kid's come inside to watch a show and have some sherbert for snack. It was Penny's turn to pick the show, so they watched Octonauts, which is her current fave. After it's over, they get ready for bed.

We take turns reading books in each room. Tonight was Penny's turn to read books in her room.

Jamie is a master in the art of seduction.

We read three books before bed every night, lately one of the 'books' is ten poems from A Light in the Attic. I'm trying to introduce them to poetry although I still think they're too young to get it. But they laugh anyway.

He is tired of having his picture taken all day.

She's clearly explaining something important to Jamie who is 'laying on the floor for one minute' like he does most nights. I have to say that I was super nervous about splitting the kids up and having them sleep by themselves, but it has literally been a flawless transition. I'm afraid to talk to much about it for fear of jinxing it, but I'm so glad I did it because it is working out just fine. That's what I get for underestimating Penny.

8:30- Kids in bed, Jamie off the floor, time for the highlight of my day- Mad Men and leftover Dairy Queen cake.

Since we cut the cord I have to wait one day to watch it on Amazon Instant Video, but so far it hasn't been too bad. I love Mad Men. So very much. I can't talk about it too much or I'll cry because it's ending.

We had my Grandpa's birthday party on Sunday, so we had two hefty pieces of Dairy Queen cake left. I love Dairy Queen cake. So very much. I can't type anymore because I'm crying because it's gone. 

10ish- Bed to read magazines on the iPad. The iPad is the best magazine reader I've ever owned. And you can get a stupid amount of magazines for free through the County Library. I now read so many magazines that I barely have time to read books.

The end. Of my perfectly ordinary, ordinarily perfect day. =)