Welcome to the good life

We survived our first week (if you count a week as five non-consecutive days) of kindergarten!!!! Huzzah!!!! So I feel like a family check-in is in order:

First Penny-
-She loves kindergarten. She has a new best friend every day, and loves learning the letter of the day and the little dance move that goes with it. She loves riding the bus and today a boy named Michael gave her a 'friend ticket' (which was a Chuck E. Cheese ticket) and told her it meant she could sit by him on the bus. This did not make daddy or Harry happy, but I think it's cute. This week is color week where every day they wear a different color, (which is probably the most stressful thing going on in my life currently- what is Harry going to wear on pink day and purple day? And why is white day a thing? What kindergarten mom buys white clothes for their kids?), but she lives for 'special days' like this so she is in heaven. She sits at the girls table at lunch, plays hide and seek at recess, and asked her teacher what her first AND middle name are (Kim and Ann). She has not 'lost a cube' yet, which is their 2015 version of getting your name on the board. She has no idea what any other teacher's name is, but knows that the principal is Mr. Casner and that he is nice. And while she still wishes her school's mascot was a wildcat, she is adjusting to being a Bridgeway Bulldog.

Now Harry-
- He likes kindergarten. He was very excited for his 'break' on Friday, which normal people would call a weekend, but he called a break. I guess when you've lived your whole life as basically one long weekend, the whole concept is hard to grasp. He asked me at the bus stop on Monday morning when the next break was and I tried to once again explain the concept of the weekend, but he said, Nooo, I mean a long break, and this is the first full week of school folks. And then this morning he said, Mom, I want to be like you, and for a moment I'm all 'Awww, he really respects and loves me and thinks I'm an amazing human being,' and so I said Why and he said Because you get to stay home all day. So the next thirteen years are just going to be a blast for him! I always said I could home school him but not Penny, but I value my sanity more than my children so I will home school no one. The best day thus far was yesterday for him when they went to the library, and got to check out TWO books and if he brings them back Thursday he'll get to check out TWO more books. Like he's never been to the library before and doesn't have shelves upon shelves of books. But hey, whatever gets him excited, makes me excited. And he told my mom and me that his PE teacher's name is Jim again tonight, even though everyone has told him 100 times that it is not. Maybe he'll learn his name by spring break.

- He also had his first soccer practice last week and... there is now no denying that he inherited my running ability. Or should I say lack of ability. And when I told him he had practice tomorrow (his second ever), he had a heavy sigh in response. I don't foresee a long career of little league soccer, which really upsets me because there's nothing I enjoy more than waking up early to sit on the surface of the sun and watch children kick a ball. Really. I'm heartbroken. BUT we saw a bald eagle flying over the field at practice which was pretty cool, AND soccer is costing us zero dollars because his team is doing a raffle for some Cardinals tickets and he works with a bunch of suckers who bought them all, like they really think they're going to win these baseball tickets. Cardinals fans. So naive. So full of hope. But hey, I was fully prepared to just write a check and throw the raffle tickets in the trash so I'm pumped! Go Cards!

Then Jamie-
- He is currently sleeping in the recliner, with the recliner being in upright and seated position, even though I told him to go to bed, but he never listens to me. I bet if I said Hey, you should continue to sleep in that recliner, I LOVE it when you do that, he would have jumped up and gone to bed. I love him so much right now. Actually, this is all coming out of my extreme jealousy of his ability to fall asleep anywhere at any time. To dreeeeeam... the impossible dreeeeeeam...

- His work is having an 80's theme party on Friday which I HATE already because Why God Why? Why have a themed corporate party, just to make all the wives hunt around every thrift store in the area looking for stupid clothes they're never going to wear again? I think that is really the only reason. And when I told Jamie I looked around today and couldn't find anything and did he really even care about dressing up anyway, he said Yes. Yes he wanted to. Is there a box for this in an online divorce form? Who wants to 'dress up' as an adult? Not me. And why the 80's, I mean we are basically back in the 80's as far as fashion (minus the shoulder pads, may they rest in peace and NEVER come back), so I could basically go to any department store or H&M and get a full outfit, but then will I offend someone who has that outfit for real? I found some denim vests today at Red Racks, did people wear denim vests in 80's or was that the 90's? When will my boobs ever fit in a vest? Are vests back? These are all questions I need to know before I go to sleep tonight. I really just want to magically find some stonewashed jeans in my size (do they make them in a double zero?) and a Guns N Roses t-shirt and call it a day. Who can help me? Is there a personal shopper for thrift stores?

And last, but certainly not least, me-
- I did a google image search for euphoria and the first sub-category was fedora. And then there was this:

this:

and mostly this:

I think I could spend all day doing google image searches and never be let down. What the hell do fedora's have to do with being euphoric?
But I am euphoric, this whole lady of leisure thing is pretty fan-freaking-tastic. Although I do have a subbing job for four days next week, which I'm really pumped about. Students have a long history of respecting and listening to substitute teachers, so I know it will be the easiest job I've ever had. Right?

Until then, me and my fedora will be chilling at home and watching Netflix. Euphoric.

The days are long...

I am going to be a mess on the first day of kindergarten and I'm scared. I almost don't want to go because of the scene I know I'm going to make. Teachers will be talking about it for years. I will be the first parent specifically asked NOT to join the PTA (it's actually a PTO at their school, but I"m so used to PTA that I will probably call it a PTA forever, which will make me really popular in the PTO), and a restraining order will be made against all incoming kindergarten mothers for the first day of school every year, which will be referred to as 'being Racheled'. And Jamie has decided to go in late to work which will only make it worse because he loves me so much that every time he sees me cry, he starts to cry. And anytime she is not in REM sleep, there is a 75% chance that Penny could cry. Poor Harry.

Raise your hand (I'm practicing my teacher skills for subbing) if you have seen me cry.  Like really cry. Probably ten people (out of the twelve that read this) are raising their hands and they know that my fear is real. You see, I never really learned the fine art of crying quietly. A quick google search of woman crying brings up results like this:

The text next to this photo said 'Is your dog the reason you are still single?' I am not even shitting you right now. 

She's crying, but still maintaining an eleven on the sexiness scale. Which should be the number one goal of any crying woman. 

And this head scratcher:

What is this and what does it have to do with woman crying and I apologize for the nightmare you're going to have tonight.

I had to go the subcategory of hysterically to try to get an accurate picture of what I look like crying, but instead all I got was this:

Still sexy, and the text next to this one said 'Are you beach body ready?' What in the world?

And this:

She looks real hysterical. But we do have a strikingly similar tattoo in the same location, that's weird.

And the text next to that gem of a picture above said (and I"m not even kidding you right now), 'You're crying over a plastic vagina!' What has the internet come too??? Where are my cute cat videos???

Anyway, I think you got the point, I"m an ugly crier. Like Sally Field at the end of Steel Magnolias, which not surprisingly, always makes me ugly cry too. And I really don't want my first impression at the school to be of the hysterical woman clinging to her equally hysterical daughter. I feel that any sign of sadness or weakness on my end will be the pebble that makes the whole 'Penny is excited for kindergarten' charade fall down. She is excited, she just doesn't know it yet.

And I'm excited too, I really, really am, for oh so very many reasons, but the one that really stands out to me today is that I am over being a full-time parent. I'm over it. I did it for five years, I loved it for about 25% of those five years (I think that covers the amount of time kids sleep each night), I had fun, I made friends, I slept in, I basically wore pajamas as clothes most of the day (even in public), and it was GREAT, it really, really was, and I am blessed beyond measure that Jamie's job allowed me to do that and I don't have any regrets. But as I was standing in the bathroom of the Dollar Tree today, staring at Harrison who had just peed his pants, did I mention we were in the bathroom of the Dollar Tree? With two toilets? About five feet from where he peed his pants at? You know, because we were IN THE MOTHEREFFING BATHROOM OF THE DOLLAR TREE AND HE COULDN'T TAKE ABOUT FIVE STEPS TO THE TOILET SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO TO MARSHALL'S AND SPEND FIVE DOLLARS ON SHORTS THAT WE DEFINITELY DON'T NEED SO HE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO HIS DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT WITH OBVIOUSLY PEED PANTS. Whew, it felt good to get that out. Because as much as I wanted to literally scream this at him, I somehow kept it together and didn't abandon him, beat him, tear apart the Dollar Tree looking for a drop of alcohol, get in my car and just drive, none of that, I politely asked him why in the name of Mary, Jesus and Joseph did he not put one foot in front of the other about five times and pee in the God forsaken toilet instead of  down his leg, and when he shrugged his shoulders and said sorry, I accepted that and  walked calmly over to Marshalls to purchase new shorts. (And I should say that H has never peed his pants before this, ever, so I guess I should be grateful and hopeful that this was a first and a last type of thing.)

So I'm done. I'm done. I'm done! No more staring down a week of no plans and trying to fill at least four-five hours a day with activity so we don't lose our minds in the house, like I was doing in the Aldi parking lot today. And then it hit me that Monday we're going to Aquaport, Tuesday we're planning on seeing that damn polar bear at the zoo finally, and then Wednesday- I never have to plan the social calendar for children on a daily basis ever again! And yes, I"m sad, it's the end of an era, a door is closing and all, but another door is opening and I think what's behind this door is going to be even more exciting than before.

I signed Harry up for a study at Wash U a while ago and we finally did it this week, and one of the questions that I was asked was, 'When was the best time of your life?' And guess what I just blurted out, like not even thinking? Undergrad. And then I instantly felt guilty and bad, like I should have obviously said that these last five years have been the best time of my life. But it doesn''t feel true right now. I've been beating myself up about it, but I've decided that it's probably unfair to compare the time in my life when I had the least amount of responsibility to the time in my life when I've had the most responsibility and not feel that the time I was freer was the best time. Right? RIGHT??? Raise your hand if you agree with me. Good, everyone raised their hand, I can sleep easy tonight.

But the night before kindergarten? There will be no easy sleep for me, although taking a Nyquil at about 8 pm and hoping for the best is the plan for now. I would like to end this post with the end of the book I read the kids tonight, which is titled... The Night Before Kindergarten.

Of course this book made me cry. Pray for me.