The C word

Penny has a cavity. A CAVITY. A mothereffin cavity. But she doesn't know it yet, because I haven't told her and have banned everyone else from telling her. This is a great plan until about 12 hours from now when we actually arrive at the dentist and have to deal with it. Surprise?  It is literally driving me to drink just thinking about what it's going to be like tomorrow, so I might as well just hire a cab now to drive us to and from the dentist because that's the only way we'll get there safely. 

First let me state that teeth for Penny really are unnecessary. The only hard food that she actually eats are apples, and those can be pureed into sauce form. So my first instinct is to ignore the cavity, let the tooth rot til it just falls out on it's own, and call it a day. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of using a friend as our hygenist and not some anonymous stranger who would never know to ask about the cavity, and who would  not notice if I switched dentists/never took Penny back to the dentist, so I screwed myself on that one. Plus I told Jamie and my mom who wouldn't let me just ignore it like I want to. Such self-righteous goody two-shoes.

You see, and this will shock those of you who know her well, Penny has a totally unjustified extreme fear of the dentist. Like her intense fear of fire there is no reason for it, she has never had a bad dental experience (she's only had three dental 'experiences' for Christ's sake, and this last one was the first time she actually let them do anything), just like she's never been in a fire/burned by a fire/touched a flame, but based on her reaction to both things I'm pretty sure in her past life she died in a blaze of flames strapped to a dentists chair. The only real explanation for her anti-dentite behavior is that it is biological, and passed down through me, for I too have a fear of the dentist. However, my fear is not irrational as I have learned in my 33 years that most (all) dentists are sadomasochistic psychopaths, who only intend to take your money and hurt you. But she doesn't know that yet. So I don't know what this is all about, but I do know that I hope she has five daughters and they are all just like her. I know that much is true.

Another question I ask myself is why couldn't this have happened to Harry? Does that make me a bad mom? I mean clearly I'm already a TERRIBLE mom because my kid has a cavity and she's only four, but really, if cavities have to happen to anyone in our family, they should really only happen to Harry and Jamie. Harry was literally laughing and smiling through his cleaning last week and even let the hygenist floss his teeth. He was giddy and totally unaware of the side-eye he was getting from me and Penny, or as much side-eye as Penny could give wrapped around my leg whimpering in anticipation of her turn in the chair. We were like 'Who is this kid and is he an alien and if he grows up to be a dentist/marry a dentist we will disown him in a second,' but he didn't notice because he was filled with glee about getting his teeth cleaned. So yeah. He should really be the one with the cavity here.

But the most important question of all is 'How did this happen?' and at the same time 'Am I the worst mom you've ever met?' I have been brushing the kids teeth since they have had teeth, we have flouride in our water, we use toothpaste... isn't that all there is to growing your kids some healthy teeth? Now I will admit that up until last week (which is mysteriously aligned with the cavity diagnosis...) I only enforced teeth brushing once a day, before bed. I myself am a 'two-a-day' teeth brusher and have had my world rocked learning that there are actual grown adults with jobs and kids and who are allowed to drive cars who voluntarily only brush their teeth once a day, but that's a post for another day. And yes if you're wondering, I did stay friends with them, but I make sure to keep three feet of distance between us while conversing for breath reasons. But anyway, back to the kids, I only made them brush once a day because of laziness on my part lack of time in the morning. We are busy people you see, and there's just no time to brush in our crazy morning schedule of sleeping until nine and then hanging around until we go somewhere about 10ish. Every once in a while Jamie would try to start something up about brushing the kids teeth in the morning, that would usually go like this:
Him- Have the kids brushed their teeth this morning?
Me- No. You want them to brush their teeth, go for it.
Him- Kids go brush your teeth!
Kids- (laughing their asses off in the other room)
Him and me- (continue making out on the couch)

I do have a couple ideas where Penny could have gotten the cavity from besides negligent parenting though:

- Fruit leather. What could be wrong with fruit leather? It is fruit and it is leather, both of which are delicious. And it's not a Fruit Rollup, which screams 'this is basically candy but we are tricking your parents into thinking it's good for you because we are calling it fruit', this was actually TRADERS JOE'S fruit leather, so you know it was handrolled by a free-range chicken. Well, it turns out that fruit leather is chock-full of sugar, and sticky shit that sticks to your teeth and never leaves. And of course Penny loooves fruit leather, and sometimes in a moment of weakness I would let her have like four in a row because it would be literally all she would eat for dinner. So yeah. Fuck you fruit leather.

- Left handedness. It is really hard being a right-handed mother of a left-handed child, I feel like there should be a support group or I should qualify for disability or SOMETHING, let's get with it Obama. One of the struggles is helping your left-handed child brush her teeth. It just doesn't work well. I'm either reaching across her face and gripping the toothbrush from the wrong side, hitting her in the nose every time I go to move it, or I'm holding the toothbrush with my left-hand, being basically useless and just going along for the ride. But mostly, I'm enraging her because of her...

- Stubborness/God-damn need to be so mother frackin' independent. Penny wants to do everything herself. Everything. Get dressed, wipe her butt, buckle herself in, wash her hands, etc, and this also includes brushing her teeth. She does not WANT your help and she will not under any circumstances let you touch her toothbrush without snarling at you like a rabid dog. So that makes helping her brush her teeth a real treat. Which most of the time results in me not helping her brush her teeth, and that apparently equals cavity.

- Jamie. This has somehow got to be Jamie's fault in the end, but I haven't figured it out yet. But I didn't want to forget to mention him.

So if you are a Catholic, please say 100 Rosary's for me tomorrow. And if you are a Baptist, please get the holy spirit for me tomorrow. And if you are an atheist, please read an article by Neil Degrasse Tyson (which is what I imagine atheists are doing most all the time), but think of me while you're reading it for me tomorrow. And if you are Jewish or Muslim, please do something that will please your God and make him look kindly on me tomorrow. Because I'm going to need it. I really hate the dentist.

Monday Musings

- I'm watching the Ken Burns documentary on the Roosevelt's and Doris Kearns Goodwin sounds just like Edie Falco. I wonder if they are related? Also, Eleanor Roosevelt was the niece of Teddy Roosevelt, and fifth cousins once removed with her husband, but more importantly, her last name was always Roosevelt. It's basically blowing my mind. I can't imagine that if I fell in love with my fifth cousin once removed whose last name was Dachroeden, and I'd be like 'Hi, this is my boyfriend Kenneth Dachroeden,' that my friends wouldn't be like 'Whaaaaaaaaa?' I don't think I could do it no matter how far removed we were. I don't care how great of a first lady she was; that's effed up.

- Jamie is gone for the second week in a row so I am taking over our living room/dining room with clothes and toys for the MOTC resale. I am finally getting rid of all 2t size clothes, I don't care if P can still fit into some of them, it is time to let them go. And I have 40+ pairs of pajamas. I'm not exaggerating. I have no idea why I have so many pajamas.

- Penny started dance again last week and of course she has a love/hate relationship with it. She loves it until the moment it starts and than she cries and makes a huge scene. I really need to stop being such an awesome mom, I can understand why it is torture for her to be away from me for 55 minutes. Dance class goes from 5 to 6 basically, and Jamie is not home to worry about, so for the last two weeks I've gone through the drive thru at Jimmy John's and Steak n Shake, as I think after 20 years of eating Steak n Shake probably at a minimum of once a month and maximum of once a week I am so sick of it that I can't even think of anything on the menu that sounds remotely appetizing. Plus Jimmy John's has delicious bread. But now I'm afraid of getting into this habit of getting the kids fast food once a week, which I really do not want to do. That type of food is addicting (until that day when the thought of it makes you want to vomit), and I don't want to start down that road ever, and especially not at this young age. But with traffic it take us til about 6:30 to get home, which is awfully late for me to prepare anything. 5 o'clock is a super crappy time to have dance class. I think next week I'll try feeding them dinner at home at 4 and than have a decent snack before bed. I know you'll all be on the edge of your seat about what I do, I'll be sure to update you with a live Twitter feed next week.

- I had my 15-year class reunion this weekend and I can honestly say that I had a really good time. A surprisingly good time actually. I was pretty nervous about it in the weeks leading up to it, mostly about what to wear and than when I figured that out I was worried about not remembering someone who remembers me and having a super awkward moment. (That only happened once, and I corrected myself and apologized.) And for those of you who were there and are thinking 'She was nervous about wearing jeans and a shirt?', I had a dress picked out but than it got to damn cold and I had four minutes to get ready between a birthday party and dropping the kids at my moms, so I just gave up and went with the casual look. But anyway, there was a good variety of people there and everyone was really nice and friendly and it was genuinely good to see people I haven't seen or even thought about in fifteen years. I got REALLY drunk at my ten-year, I can honestly say I don't know if I have ever been that drunk since my freshman year of college which was when I started drinking and would drink Screwdrivers like they were Coke Zero, and I knew I did not want to do that again which was a smart move. Plus the venue was a lot more conducive to mingling, and less conducive to sitting and drinking non-stop. Plus plus there was no open bar. Let's just go ahead and be honest and say that was the only thing holding me back this time. I am a sucker for an open bar.

- And last but definitely not least, I'M GOING TO SEE STEPHEN KING IN NOVEMBER, IN PERSON, REAL LIFE STEPHEN KING, IN THE SAME ROOM, BREATHING THE SAME AIR AND OMG I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!! Stephen King is IT for me (pun intended), I started reading him when I was in seventh grade and had to have a signed permission slip from my mom to check out his books from the school library (which she definitely would not have done if she would have been aware of the numerous and graphic sexual situations that are in his early novels). I have read just about everything by him (I won't divulge what I haven't read as it is my deepest secret and I am burning with shame just thinking about it), but I am going to read it before November 13th so I can officially say I have read everything the man has written and published in a regular book (he's done some e-books that he's only released overseas for some reason that I haven't had time to find yet). Since I am his biggest fan, I am of course friends with him on Facebook and saw that he was doing a book tour and was coming to Kansas City, and they were releasing the details today, September 15th. I kept it in the back of my head but honestly thought that there will be no way in hell I'll actually get a ticket, they'll be ridiculously expensive, or a lottery, or enter some kind of contest or something, so imagine my surprise when they are only $30 which includes the book AND the reading is on a Thursday night so it's not super inconvenient for Jamie to take off work and watch the kids so my mom and I can go. Surprise Jamie, that's what's happening! Or he and the kids can go with us and he can 'babysit them' (as he likes to say) in the hotel room while we go to the reading. Because if there is one thing Jamie is always asking for, it is more trips with my mom. But we'll figure all that out later because right now I am just basking in the glow of a pretty much lifelong dream coming true. Seating is general admission so now I have to figure out what time to get there to get front row seats. I'm thinking at least the day before.

Wow, I had a lot to muse about. Have a good week!

The good, the bad, and the ugly

We got our bathroom remodeled last month. Sigh. I was really hoping to have an awesome before and after blog post, but it was not meant to be. The tile in our shower is a mess and will need to be redone- not by the man who did it originally. Jamie and I have terrible, terrible luck with hiring home improvement guys, and I'm going to go on record now and just call it what it really is- a curse. Our house is just like the house in Amityville Horror, minus all the horror but keep the curse. I'm 100% sure that Overland stands for 'Over land that was once a giant Indian burial ground', so that could also explain the curse. It could also be the fact that we tend to go with the lowest offer (and this guy was two grand less than our other bid), but we are learning the hard way that you get what you pay for.

I had such high, high hopes for this guy, he was SUPER nice and even a pastor for Christ's sake. A PASTOR. So of course he should be totally trustworthy and honest, right? Not so much. Apparently in addition to being a home remodeler and a pastor, he also had another part-time job that only allowed him to work on our house for a maximum of 6 hours a day, and some days only two or three hours. So what was advertised as a week and a half job ended up taking three weeks. It took three days for him to tile our shower and didn't start grouting it until the week after. I know nothing of tiling or grouting (hence the reason I hire people) but it seems to me like those should be done pretty close together time-wise. But what do I know. Besides the fact that we have to have our bath retiled. Which means more time when we can't bathe at our house, and more mess. Oh Lord the mess. The mess of construction brought out all my OCD issues of having a house that is not covered in a layer of dust all the time, so every day after the contractor would leave I would clean. It was a great time.

Anyway, on to the before and after picture. Besides the tiling, I'm pretty happy with the rest of the bathroom. There are some little things that are going to bug me forever, but I don't think someone who wasn't the homeowner would notice them. Or that's what I'm going to tell myself.
So before-

And after-

No towel rack which is throwing me off. We need to add a towel ring. And we have a higher sink, which Penny might be able to reach on her 16th birthday. And we moved the toothbrushes in the medicine cabinet so poop dust from the flushing toilet won't get on them anymore. We didn't even need toothpaste because the poop dust was so thick on the bristles. 

 

These baskets are very handy.

We added the TP roll to the vanity so the kids didn't have to get off the toilet to actually wipe themselves. We're contributing to childhood obesity and laziness I know, but dammit it's gross.

One mirror for Jamie and I, and then whomever we choose as a sister-wife. The first qualification is going to be how well she cleans mirrors.

So we had a wooden windowsill that stuck out pretty far, and since wood and water don't really go together well, we always had to keep it covered with a funk nasty shower curtain (it's the only type we could afford.) So every time you took a shower, you had curtains coming at you on all sides.

We used to have shower doors but that made things very difficult when bathing two kids at the same time so we took them off. But left the metal thingy for style.

At some point in the last eight years we had some tiles go missing and 'fixed it' with duct tape and plastic wrap. It's Overland code. The baby head has been there for weeks, and I thought about moving it for pictures, but if I'm all about anything, I'm all about keeping it real. And this is real life, showering with a baby head looking at your crotch every day.

Our contractor took out the wood and tiled the space, so now we don't need the funk nasty curtain anymore! Huzzah! This is by far the best thing about our bathroom remodel, we now have a nice little shelf for all of our stuff.

We also added a towel rack for washcloths and scrub brushes, and a soap dish with a bar to help obese or old people get up out of the bathtub. Because our target audience for whom we would like to sell our house to is an obese octogenarian who takes frequent baths.

We also added a towel rack next to the shower. Obviously.

And the second best thing about our bathroom is the new exhaust fan/light. We did not have an exhaust fan before and the ceiling would get all wet and moldy looking, and then someone (me) would have to clean it once a year as to not look like dirty hoosiers for our Christmas party, but now thanks to the fan, I no longer have to do that! Double huzzah!

So that was the good, now on to the bad and the ugly. I took a bunch of pictures of the tile/grout disaster to send to our contractor and now I'm going to share them with you. Because why not share our pain. Maybe someone will send it to Ellen and then she'll come knocking on our door sometime soon with a fix-it crew and we'll get a whole new shower!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So grout was not on our list of things to buy beforehand, and one day he told me that we needed to go to Home Depot that night and buy grout. Jamie was in New Jersey and I don't know the first thing about buying grout so I asked him to do it. He asked what color, I said I didn't know, he suggested dark, I said okay... we will not be going with dark next time.

There was grout or spackle all over the ceiling and he just painted over it. But he didn't even attempt to sand it down or cover it and only painted half the ceiling. Because that's what we wanted- half a painted ceiling.

So there you have it, the good, the bad, and the ugly of our bathroom remodel. We are in the process of finding someone else to come in and do a demo and a retile, although Jamie is gone next week, works a weird day/night shift the week after, and then is gone again the week after that, so I'm not sure how that process is going to work. Maybe Ellen knows. Home remodeling sucks.