FIVE

*Programming note- My mom told me after my last blog that it was a nice blog and funny and she liked it, but that I should no longer use the F word. It's not classy or something. So to avoid disappointing my mom any more than I already have,  the only F word in this post will be FIVE. To bring honor back to my family's name. Just like Kung Fu Panda, which I saw a tiny portion of this weekend. 

Harrison and Penelope turned FIVE yesterday somehow, which is strange because I have limited memories of everything between Penny leaving the NICU and yesterday. And I only remember the NICU because of the peace and quiet- the last peace and quiet I have ever had. And of course the mini-fridge of pudding. I didn't discover the soft-serve machine in the cafeteria until the tail end of the NICU stay, which is a good thing because they wouldn't have let me bring her into the cafeteria, so I would have seen her only about half the time. I hear there's free refills on soft-serve when no one is watching...

So yesterday was the big day, coming off a big weekend trip to Chicago which was a lot of fun but pretty exhausting. For once in my life I did not procrastinate and made sure to have all presents wrapped and ready to go before we left for our trip, which was a good thing as we didn't get home until about eight the night before their birthday. Thanks to the Time Hop app, I could see that in past years I had made amazingly witty and hilarious comments about how exhausting their birthday was for me, and this year was no exception. We had a very busy day!

Jamie took off work so we were able to wake up slowly and take our time with the present-opening. I only gave them five presents each in the morning, and saved the rest for the family party in the evening. Most of the presents were bought at the twins sale and I had completely forgotten what I had bought (which is a serious problem that happens to me at every gift-giving event), and the rest I bought on Amazon after searching 'educational toys'. This is what happens to you when your mom is a teacher. But I think I did okay, Jamie even complimented me on the gift choices which is high praise coming from a cheap, cheap man.

Dueling stomp rockets, the creator must have had twins. Notice our 'new' recliner in the background, it is a hand-me-down from my dad's cabin in Ohio- very comfortable!

Kidz Bop 28 or some high number aka The Reason Mom Drinks and Drives (not really. yet.)

Penny loves to play school, so I figured this would be helpful. There are even hall passes! And a bell!

Harry is obsessed with knowing what time it is, so we got a watch to keep us from going crazy telling him the time constantly help him learn how to tell time. He has only taken it off to shower, he insists on wearing it to bed. I think this was the favorite gift.

Penny has an unhealthy obsession with the alphabet (I've already contacted Dr. Phil), so I made her an alphabet box, the only crafty thing I have ever done or will ever do. So the next time you come over, be sure to praise me in person for it. Or expect to be shown the door. 

 

This is one noisy-ass game. A twin sale purchase I forgot about and should have been thrown away immediately following purchase.

 At some point we had breakfast (Apple cake, to feed the alphabet obsession), did laundry, got dressed and my niece Gracie came over to go to the zoo with us. Gracie is seven and very good at entertaining my children so that I don't have to. I love Gracie.

Playing school. Obviously.

Then we headed to the zoo for a quick trip to the gift shop. I have never been one to buy toys or gifts without reason, nothing good could have come from starting that practice. So whenever we're anywhere and the kids want something I always tell them to put it on their birthday/Christmas list OR that we'll come back on their birthday and buy them whatever it is they so desperately want/need. The last time we were at the zoo, H found a plastic undersea toy set at the sting ray exhibit that he put on his birthday list and I instantly forgot about but he did not. So we saw the sting rays, the sea lion show, the chimps and the gift shop. Quickest trip we've ever taken. Gotta love the free zoo. 

I made the mistake of telling the kids that they could have soda when they turned five because at the time five seemed so far away and so old. It was not and is not. I also told them they could chew gum when they turned five which they have not remembered yet and I will not be reminding them of. I must have been really drunk when I said all this shit.

Red hat that is WAY too small, pink shirt that is WAY too big, purple shorts that are designed to go under a skirt- someone call Glamour, we got a fashion don't on our hands.

Someone (Jamie) wanted to wait around after the show to see the Sea Lion up close. He claims something was in his eye, but I'm pretty sure they were actual tears of joy.

We waited in this long ass line to see the penguins before I was like 'Why the hell are we waiting in this long ass line to see the penguins, we have seen them 100 times?' I'm blaming heat stroke.

The object of his desire. Penny picked a Bear of course because it starts with B. And we already did A for the day because of the apple cake. Duh. The C was Cabernet Sauvignon.

 Jamie took Harry to karate where he got his second orange stripe, which is literally a piece of orange tape wrapped around his white belt. And costs $17. I wish I were joking about either of those. And Penny and I made a trip to Hallmark to buy one of her 'Birthday' girls, which is the one thing she wanted to do on her birthday when asked. We also went to Schnucks where I unintentionally stole a cookie from the bakery. It was the best damn cookie I've ever had.

My heart can't take all this cuteness.

Number 5 Birthday Girl!

We had the grandparents over for dinner and presents, I give two thumbs up to the fried chicken from Schnucks. In case you were wondering.

Penny got a Butterfly Garden thing with real live caterpillars! There was a debate initially about if the caterpillars were alive, but they were. Let the fun begin!

Spoiler alert- they got lots of books.

Harry with Grandpa Charlie. If Penny were a boy, she would be Harrison and Harrison would have been Charlie!

We love Great-Grandma!

Have you heard of the Cake Boss? He had nothing to do with this cake.

They had to share a wish. So tragic.

 So that was five. On day two of being five, Harrison never got out of his pj's and we only left the house to take the dog for a walk. Day two was much more relaxing than day one. Let's hope year five is the best one yet!

Person to Person

-We 'got' a dog in the sense that we watched my parents dog when they were out of town and never gave it back. She is a good dog, but I really don't know much about dogs anymore, I feel like I should be buying a Kong or a Konk and filling it with peanut butter? Or wet dog food? And maybe a thunder shirt? What are these words and what do they mean? And my parents never played with her, she doesn't even know what a dog toy is. For realz. She is like the Annie of dogs if dogs had their own musicals. Jamie even has the same hair as Daddy Warbucks! hahahahahahahahaha  He came home sick from work today so I just gotta kick him when he's down ya know? It's what I do.

Anyway, I don't know much about dogs except you feed them and water them and walk them, so I've been taking her for a walk every day. Which has helped me meet my stupid fitbit goal of 1 million steps or something ludicrous (I originally spelled this Ludacris, but somehow that is wrong- Attention Ludacris the rapper- you have been spelling your name wrong for years!) which I don't really even count because the thing has started it's celebratory vibrating when I've been:
-clapping
-talking with my hands
-combing my hair
- trimming the bushes at the old house (this one happened today)

But I decided a while ago to actually make an effort and wear it and for about the last three weeks or so I've met the goal. Because of the dog walking.  I've been feeling pretty good about myself lately, I can look down when I'm naked and see my toes which I once saw in a Garfield comic (I wish I were joking but I am dead serious) and has always been my barometer for Rachel, it's time to put the cookies down and get off your ass or Rachel, you can have that extra cookie today because you can see your toes this morning! (I wonder why I can never successfully lose weight and keep it off?) So I decided to bite the bullet at the Y today and actually weigh myself and I've lost FOUR AMERICAN POUNDS. From the stupid dog walking. I've been a member of the fucking Y for TEN MONTHS, I have swam, I have Zumba'd, I have Pilate'd, Elipticaled, weightlifted, etc and I have not lost one pound- I haven't gained one pound either, but I have been 113 (give or take 40-80 pounds) for ten straight months. Until today. Now I am 109 (give or take 50-90 pounds). So I basically should be paying Remy my $68 a month. Except my mom now also joined the Y under my membership and the Y is the best thing that ever happened to her, counting the birth of her favorite daughter, so I can't quit. But maybe I'll buy Remy a Donk and fill it with Nutella. And we can share it.I also think I'll open up a weight loss center a la Jenny Craig and just hand people a dog and a leash after I charge them $500- they will be Rescue Dogs of course so don't get all your I Rescued my Dog and Who Rescued Who? bumper sticker panties in a bunch. Or I'll write a New York Times Bestselling Book on weight-loss and it will have three pages:
Page 1- Walk
Page 2- A
Page 3- Dog
Epilogue- Of course only a Rescue Dog so you can tell everyone you got a Rescue Dog AND lost weight, so you are a doubly good person.
 
-I have real mixed feelings about the end of Mad Men- I really, so very badly, more than anything I've wanted in my whole life including my children who I paid $20,000 for, wanted him to go back to New York and be a fucking parent to his children for once in his life and give Sally a break and maybe a hug? but that didn't happen of course, instead we got this super ambiguous ending, but I have decided after the second viewing that he definitely did make that Coke ad which means he did go back to New York so at least he did the first part of the thing I really wanted him to do. So I guess I can live with that. In case you were wondering how I felt about the ending of Mad Men. AS I KNOW YOU WERE.

-I was listening to Fresh Air today on the dog walk (another benefit of the dog walk is I can catch up with my NPR that I miss), and she was interviewing someone about racism in housing preferences and how that practice is one of the root causes of the problems in Ferguson and Baltimore, which of course is 100% right and the guy was talking about the differences in houses, how what used to be houses that all people could afford are now $400- $500,000 houses, like in Ferguson and I'm like what? Where are these $400- $500,000 houses in Ferguson? Annoying. This is the thing that has bothered me so very much about the media's coverage of Ferguson- apparently it's either all slums and crack dens or super fabulous expensive houses for the white people with a section of shitty houses for the black people on the outskirts of town, depending on who's 'reporting'. But I still think I'll read the guys book, it sounded interesting.

-Speaking of crazy expensive houses, I started watching Flip or Flop at the Y as either I work out at the same time all the time or it is on HGTV constantly during the day. Either way, today they bought a 1,500 square foot house at auction for $410,000 and it literally did not even have floors. What is wrong with these people? And they were going to try to sell it for somewhere in the $700's for 1500 square feet! And it was not even cute! The crazy housing prices is the only thing keeping me from moving to California right now besides the lack of water and average sized people. Does everyone in California make like three times what people in St. Louis make and that's why the houses are so expensive? Where do the teachers live? Where do the bus drivers live? These are the questions that keep me up at night. I need a Flip or Flop investigative report spin-off show.

- The kids last day of preschool is Thursday and today Penny cried when we left because she already misses it. I held it together but if she pulls that shit on Thursday I'm going to be in full-blown hysterics. I asked the teachers if they were happy this was the last week and they both said that they were sad because they really loved this class of kids, and that was not helping either. Maybe I'll make Jamie take them and pick them up as to not cause a scene. Although I'm getting my annual 'last day of school present to myself hour and a half massage' that morning, so that might chill me out some.

- I really should be wrapping presents tonight as H and P are spending the night at my mom's. But I'm just having SO. MUCH. FUN. blogging! Be sure to tune in next time when I blog about my adventures in gaining the four pounds I lost back- it's going to be epic. And covered in salted caramel.

Roundup review

Last night was kindergarten roundup. The principal, who is my new best friend, personally emailed me to remind me, and I emailed him back with something witty and hilarious, and he emailed ME back and said I was so funny and now we basically have a standing dinner date every week to talk about all the teachers and parents in the school. We haven't put anything on the calendar yet but I know it's coming. Oh and he's going to hire me as Vice-Principal at the end of the school year next year, even though that is not currently a position. He told me with his eyes.

Anywho, back to the roundup, everyone was THRILLED to go, and by everyone was thrilled I mean everyone had completely forgotten about it except me who had lost sleep over it all week and Penny only heard the part where I said that Jamie and I would be going to the library while she and Harry stayed in the classroom, and so she stressed about that all day. She was scared. Very, very scared. Scared of what I would ask her. Scared of the teachers, the kids, the desks, the table, the school, the principal, the automatic flush toilet- she has a totally rational fear of literally everything in the school. So when we got out of the car she attached herself to my leg and kind of whimpered for a half hour.

The first day of school is going to be fun!

But we did get in the classrooms and Penny warmed up to things eventually. The classrooms are huge and they each have their own bathrooms which is nice and convenient. We met the teachers and I asked a bunch of questions (they start reading groups right away but don't give the DRA until January?) and when it was time for the parents and kids to separate, she did okay. (We told Harry to hold her hand and lead her to the carpet and then we got the hell out, so I don't really know, but I'm assuming she did okay.)

When we were reunited the teacher said that they both did great, that there were actually tied for the smartest kids she has ever met in her life and that is 100% due to my exceptional parenting. At least I'm pretty sure she said that, it was noisy in the library. It turns out that the classroom they were in is the only one without an automatic flush toilet, and since the teacher at least pretended like she liked Penny, I'm going to go ahead and say that will be her teacher next year. Now the big debate will be keeping them together or separating them, obviously Penny wants to stay together and obviously Harry wants the opposite of whatever Penny wants. I asked the teacher how she would feel about having both of them and she said that would be fine with her, so I'll have to discuss it with my BFF over a pitcher of margos this summer. All of my teacher and principal friends say separate, and my gut says separate, but my husband says 'Why would we separate?' and according to our marriage vows, I have to heed all of his advice and do his bidding always. Keeping them together would make the first days of school exponentially easier on Penny (and me) (and her teacher), but I know that if we do separate them she'll get her shit together eventually.

Ugh. Whatever happened to the one-room schoolhouse so I wouldn't have to grapple with this? Life was so much easier in the 1800's.