While the cat's away...

The mouse does a lot of sitting on the couch. This post was originally going to be about what my life is like when Jamie is away for work, but the title made me think of my cat that is actually away. One of our cat's is missing, the same cat that was missing the last time I blogged about a cat that was missing, and the next day after I posted the blog- she came back! So I'm going to give this blog cat return magic another try. Although she is definitely the biggest asshole out of all of our cats. But I don't wish her dead or frozen. It's a thin line between love and hate.Like maybe she could come back and then just die of old age or natural causes under some blankets on our couch, while watching The Kitten Bowl on Sunday. I would be cool with that.

Consider this my missing poster.

Enough about my jerk cat, God rest her soul. Jamie is traveling all week, which is terrible. The kids miss him, I miss him, the trash can that was supposed to be brought back down the driveway yesterday missed him, we are all just a bunch of sad sacks over here. If I was a crying type of person, I might just smell his pillow at night and shed some tears.

But.

There are a few silver linings on this dark, dark cloud of depression. Here are ten things that happen when Jamie is gone:

1- I don't have to bathe every day. Jamie has this thing about taking a shower every day, and I know I'm not making myself sound very good here, but sometimes you just don't NEED a shower every day. Especially in the winter, with the no-sweating and the dry skin and all. He doesn't get it, so on the days I don't shower, I know he's always silently judging me like Pigpen or something. Plus he won't put the moves on me on those days. =( So I only shower twice a month. HA!

2- My hair can look like crap. I have thick, wavy hair that reminds me a lot of this.

It's kind of like a triangle with a flat top, at one time I knew what that shape was called, but that brain cell has died. A trapezoid? Anyway, my hair is too damn thick and it just looks silly unless I straighten it. So every day, at about 5:50 (Jamie get's home at 6), I bust out the flat iron and try to tame the beast. So I can look good for my hubby. Which leads me to point number three...

3- I can go braless all day every day (in the house obviously). Being a stay-at-home-mom isn't as glamorous as you see on TV. I'll give you a minute to absorb that shocking statement. You have the chance of tears, boogers, spit, blood, food, poop, pee, just about every bodily fluid imaginable being put on you at any moment. So this limits your wardrobe considerably. Less Banana Republic and more Old Navy. Or Old Homecoming sweatshirt from 1991 that was willed to you back in your sorority days (which I may or may not be wearing as I type this). These types of blouses have a lot more give in the chest area, which therefore renders a bra unnecessary. But, I feel weird about eating dinner without a bra on, and I want to leave SOME mystery in our relationship, so at about 5:58 every day, I throw a bra on. The sacrifices I make to keep our relationship spicy. What a woman.

4- I can serve/eat dinner earlier. Like I said before, Jamie gets home from work at six, so dinner is on the table at six. If he is even two minutes late, we have already started because at about five o'clock, my children turn into starving maniacs. Sometimes H will just sit at the table starting around 5:20 and wait. (Let me say for the sake of DFS, that I offer him any fruit in the house as a pre-dinner snack but he never takes it. He is not a fruit eater and that's my only offer.) But when we aren't waiting for daddy we can eat whenever we're hungry. Which dramatically cuts down on whining by the kids and wining by the mom.

5. I can put the kids to bed earlier. Since Jamie doesn't get home until six, we made the kids bedtime at eight for bonding and all that crap. BUT, when Jamie isn't here, I can put the kids to bed earlier. If they need it of course, I'm not some kind of monster who would put her kids to bed early just to get some peace and quiet for herself.... But let it be said when I do put the kids to bed earlier, they typically fall right to sleep which proves that mom is always right. Like there was ever any question.

6. I can let my house go to shambles. Not that I would, being home for 3.5 years has turned me into a little bit of a neat freak, but if I wanted to, I could. And that's nice. (Not that Jamie demands the house to be clean or anything, I just feel weird about him coming home to a messy house when I've been home for a good deal of the day. Which is totally not how I used to be. It's kind of depressing actually.)

7. I can sleep in the middle of the bed. Obviously.

8. I don't have to wake up to an alarm (repeatedly- Jamie loves the snooze button).

9- I can watch what I want on TV. We only have one TV, so after the kids go to bed we have to watch something that we both want to watch. Our life is so, very, very hard. But when I'm the only one here- Vanderpump Rules marathon! Jamie is going to be sad he missed it.

10- I can realize how much I love my sweet husband. Because absence makes the heart grow fonder and stuff.

We miss you daddy!

Pennyisms

I realize that I am posting more funny things about Penny than Harrison, and I want to be clear that it's not because I have a preference of children, it's because she talks 10 times more than he does. He is the strong, silent type while she is the female type. She talks like a human, talks like a baby, talks like a mouse, talks like a lamb, talks like a unicorn. And then she sings. She sings like a human, sings like a baby, sings like a mouse, sings like a lamb, sings like a unicorn. Her mouth is basically in constant motion. It's adorable!

Today's Pennyisms:
(I had just gotten out of the shower and was walking to my closet to get dressed)

Mom! Your butt shakes when you walk!

and

(driving home from Gigi's)

P- Can you give me my lady computer?
Me- Where is it?
P- It's on the floor.
Me- I'll get it at a red light, I can't get it while I'm driving.
P- Why?
Me- Because if I lean over and grab it, I would swerve and crash the car.
P- Just do it and let's see what happens.
Me- No.
P- Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssseeee.
Me- NO.
P- (cries the rest of the way home)

She clearly wants me to spiral into a deep, body-conscience depression or die in a fiery wreck.
She's adorable!

Things that I'm torturing myself with

- Vacation. Not just any vacation, a girls trip. Jamie is going on a guys skiing trip so clearly by the law of fairness, I get a girls anti-skiing trip. Skiing is basically the worst thing ever. I have had to be skied (this can't be the right spelling, but apparently it is), backward down a mountain on a stretcher thing by an actual skier, to the little clinic, where we learned that my boots weren't strapped down all the way, thus causing me all kinds of problems. If those boots were strapped correctly- gosh- imagine the possibilities! I could be going to Sochi right now! Except, of course I wouldn't because of Putin, and human rights, and mostly Obama.

Anyway. Vacation. I feel like I've told a number of my friends that we should go on a girls trip. If I went on a girls trip with everyone I wanted to go on a girls trip with, I'd be gone most of the year. Which would just be terrible. TERRIBLE! So here's my genius idea- I'm going to plan a trip to somewhere warm (not hot, no warmer than 80 degrees), with a beach, people bringing you drinks, and most importantly- no children. Then, I'm going to tell everyone that I've ever talked about a girls trip with and whoever can make it, makes it. I'm usually not a group mixer but I think it could work in this situation. Everyone could just do whatever the hell they wanted, when they wanted, and we would all just be in the same location. With a swim-up bar. Did I forget to mention that? Oh, and most importantly- no bikinis. Everyone must wear a swimsuit with a skirt. Who's in?

- Buying a new house. I like my house. I like (?) my street (the baby-cusser moved out, so I'm no longer in fear for my or my children's lives and no one has broken into our home in two years). I am cool with where the kids will go to school.
However.
We have no closets. We only have one bathroom. We don't have a garage or even a carport. These have all become deal breakers for me in the last month, and although I know we will not be even able to think about moving for at least another year, I've been looking at houses for sale online. Which makes total sense!!!!!!!!!!!!
But then.
There's the QT. I feel like this QT is like my baby, I'm watching it grow from crappy buildings next to Church's chicken, to a fence, to a sign, to a huge pile of dirt, and now a huge pile of dirt with a seemingly random brick wall which I'm sure is going to serve a very important purpose. And it will be hard to leave my sweet baby- so very, very hard- but I know that this QT will increase our home value by at LEAST $20,000, because who wouldn't want to be able to have the Mecca of gas stations in sight distance from their back porch? But if that surprisingly doesn't happen, then there is:

- Me going back to work in some way. If I got a job, 100% of my income could go towards a down payment on a new house. My mom is retiring at the end of this school year, so I will have a reliable option for somewhere for H and P to go for childcare during the day. I could sub, subs actually make $95 a day, but substitute teaching falls somewhere between the 8th and 9th circle of Hell. My fantasy is being a part of a job share situation, which is amazing, but not easy to arrange. Especially since I'm not currently an employee of any school district. Minor problem, right?

So these are the three things that I'm torturing myself with. If anyone would like to plan a vacation, buy my house, and get me a job sharing position, I would owe you big time. TIA!

Oh Penny part 2

 Twelve Ways that Penny is Basically a Teenager

1. She sleeps late. I can remember when I use to watch my nephew overnight and he would wake up about five o'clock every morning, sometimes earlier. I thought it was some kind of toddler phase, but at the ripe old age of nine he considers sleeping til seven sleeping in. I was dreading this behavior out of my own kids, but so far (knock on wood), they are both excellent sleepers and not early risers. And Penny is definitely the last out of bed in our house most days. 

Penny on Christmas Day. We had to wake her up at 9:30 because we felt bad making H wait any longer to open his presents. 

2. She demands privacy in the bathroom, and stays in there for way longer than necessary doing God knows what. Which leads to number three...

3. She can take an hour long bath but hates to be washed. Now this one isn't necessarily a characteristic of every teenager, but I have known some in my time who had parents who would have to threaten to get in the shower with them to wash them, bribe them to comb their hair, or rewash their hair for lack of proper rinsing because she watched the movie It and was terrified of the drain in the shower and therefore this poor, traumatized youth would only take about one-and-a-half minutes showers through seventh and eighth grade. Or so I've heard. Washing Penny makes me think of waterboarding someone; she demands to have a dry washcloth over her face while rinsing her hair and if the teensiest drop of water drips down to her forehead well... you're going to hear about it. But on the flip side, before or after said torture she can be in the tub for hours if you would let her.  If she could just take her meals in there, all would be well. But wait...

4. She may/may not have an eating disorder. I know eating disorders are not funny, and this post is supposed to be funny (are you laughing yet?), and not all teenagers have eating disorders, but I'm sure at some point in time every female between the ages of 13- 33 has thought about it. I mean, look at Ke$ha. Who would have guessed it? Sometimes I'll wake up in the morning and think, 'How long can I go without eating?' and my record stands at 40 minutes. Someday I'll break the hour mark. 

But anyway, back to Penny. She doesn't eat. That's basically the only way to describe it. She takes pickiness to a whole new level. Foods that she used to love she now shuns, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to watch her live on an all cereal bar diet. I would think it was something that I had done at a mother, but she has a twin who eats just fine. So anyway. She's a pain in the ass about eating. Like a teenager.

5. She has wild mood swings.

I think I asked her to say cheese. I'm clearly the worst mom ever.

She wanted to take ALL the trees home from the tree farm. So she ruined my awesome picture.

You want me to sing in the church program that 75 other children are able to sing in without a problem? Are you insane?

Happy Penny!

Even when she's happy, you know she's plotting against you.

6. She is fashion-forward, or at least thinks she is.

Who needs shoes when you can put MITTENS on your feet?!?!

7. She loves to accessorize.

Because, of course.

8. Her shorts are too short.

How embarrassing.

9. She's a good babysitter.

I mean, check out the system she has going on here. What a pro!

10. She never listens to her mother.

I don't know how many times I've threatened to shave her head if she won't leave barrettes in. I swear she does it just to drive me slowly insane. This hair...

Me- Penny, you can't draw a smile on a snowman with a pen, we need to make it out of sticks.  Penny- This.

11. She wants to be a gymnast or an artist.

Because, you know...

she's awesome at both.

And finally, number 12. She's a daddy's girl. And in all seriousness, I hope this one stays through all her teenage years.

Oh Penny-pie, I love you so much!

Oh Penny

Penny had an awesome day for doing or saying stuff that I want to remember. And now with this wonderful invention called a blog, I can!

Adorable/annoying thing number one:
We had spaghetti for dinner. This used to be one of the one and a half things P would reliably eat. Now she basically treats it like poison. So tonight, I'm doing my usual negotiation and bribing with eating, (she wanted to put more Parmesan cheese on the spaghetti that she wasn't going to eat) and I told her that if she took a bite of spaghetti, she could have more cheese. Her reply:
'Okay, but take out the noodles.'

HA! Hilarious but infuriating because she was totally serious. And she ate zero bites of spaghetti.

Adorable/concerning thing number two: 
Before bed P went pee on the little potty, which involves taking off her pants and underwear. So I was sitting on the ground waiting to redress her, I handed her some toilet paper, she wiped herself and then...

kissed the toilet paper that she just wiped herself with.

What. in. the. world is that about? And then when I told her not to do it and had a bit of a large and horrified reaction, she ran off crying but then came back and before she put the toilet paper in the potty, kissed it again. Something is seriously wrong here.

Just plain adorable thing/but also wildly inappropriate but I'm going to share it anyway thing number three:

Today Harrison told me I had big boobs. He is so observant. I was telling the story to Jamie and Penny must have been listening because later this happened while I was blow-drying her hair:

P- Why do you have boobs?
Me- Women have breasts to feed their babies. When you were a baby, I made milk for you and it came out of my breasts.
P- (looks down my shirt) They're dripping!

They weren't dripping. They haven't dripped in a looooooong time. So she is obviously very confused. But she also kisses her pee toilet paper, so really- I can't be surprised.

Cherished memories, every one.

The 12 Tantrums of Christmas

Christmas was here! And now it is gone! And the Lord said, 'It is good.' While I really did enjoy all the festivities, I am glad the hap hap happiest time of the year is behind us. Christmas with three-year-olds is exciting, embarrassing, exhausting and egg casserole. I give you- The 2014 VanDernoot Christmas Spectacular!

Let's start with one of my favorite pictures of the holidays- I was frantically making cookies on Christmas Eve eve while Jamie was at a work meeting (last-minute Christmas shopping?). I turned on the Charlie Brown Christmas special, and when I came back in, the kids had turned the lights off and had scooted up to the TV to watch. It was just so darn sweet with the tree and the lights and the Christmas spirit. It made my Grinchy heart grow three sizes that night.

We had multiple countdown calendars (this was a terrible idea, it extended bedtime by 2- 20 minutes depending on the night). Santa's beard was a big hit, this was H's reaction when he realize there was only ONE spot left and therefore ONE day until Christmas. Genuine joy and excitement.

The kid's school made a Christmas tree that you added stickers to, picking out the perfect sticker to put on the tree each time made me grow at least 4-5 gray hairs a night. I am like a female Anderson Cooper right now.

And the 'Chocolate Flavored Candy' Advent calendar I purchased from the Dollar Tree was really the most desirable/most questionable ingredients of each night. If my kids start growing a sixth finger, it is from this.

The kids made these elves at school and I put them in the hallway across from the bathroom and a corner of the kitchen. I don't know how many times I almost had a heart attack when I saw these out of the side of my eye and thought someone was watching me pee/cook. I am glad to see these go most of all.

Our annual visit to the Train House in Overland. It was cold. Very, very cold.

Harry could have stayed there until he turned into a snowman.

Penny? Not so much. We had fun in the car though. I took one for the team and entertained her.

On Monday we went to my best friend's house so the kids could open presents with their cousins. This was when the embarrassing part of Christmas started. Let's just say that H was not shy about expressing his displeasure with presents he opened. Preschoolers are lacking certain social skills. Like manners and being aware of others emotions. Ugh.

P on the other hand, was thrilled with everything. Especially the stuff H didn't like. Although when we got in the car and at home, he was all about it. Of course.

We got our payback though.

We also decorated cookies...

and ate cookies too! I think we are all about 50% cookie at this point.

We spent Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family. I've been doing this for as long as I remember, and Jamie and the kid's are forced to go along for tradition and all that stuff. Plus, of course they would go- where else would they be?

Presents! Ugh. At some point I had to pull H to the side and have a VERY serious talk about being grateful and pretending to like something when you really don't like something, which is apparently an impossible concept for a 3.5 year-old boy to understand. Luckily my grandparents weren't paying close attention, but I was still mortally embarrassed. Again.

My stepmom made the kids these awesome fleece blankets for their beds, she has a job at a fabric store and it is paying off great for us! The kids love them and they actually seem to be sleeping longer since we've had them. They're already late sleepers anyway, but I'll take all the additional minutes I can get.

Tractor! H is tractor crazy, we have to get this boy to a farm soon.

Christmas morning! H slept until 8:30ish and we literally had to wake P up sometime after nine. So much for being too excited to sleep. But H's face is pretty darn cute in these pictures.

Checking out the loot.

He approves!

P- not so much. She warmed up eventually though.

Santa is just SO clever, hiding H's spaceship in some blocks. Genius!

Checking out the lego table that they didn't ask for but Santa felt was developmentally appropriate for them to start showing an interest in.

H was a very deliberate present opener, we actually had to prod him along. P was a search and destroy present opener, she was done in about half the time. My girl.

Ready to head over to Gigi and Papa's for more presents! Someone needed to get H black socks. =(

P had a very Doc McStuffins Christmas! She needs to expand her TV shows by next Christmas or there won't be anything else to buy.

Chuggington! Disney Jr. was well-supported by the family of the VanDernoot children this year.

In the middle of the Christmas meal, my parents got in a lively discussion about the amount of junk in the junk drawer and therefore had to start organizing the junk drawer right then and there. Because that is obviously the best time.

This is the first time the bottom of the junk drawer has been exposed to light in 57 years.

Christmas number four at Grammy and Papa Bear's! Penny loves Great-Grandma's dog Mini. 

Grammy was all about the giant presents with multiple parts this year. H got an AWESOME tool bench!

And P got a vanity with a real working hair dryer! If you are cool with taking hours to blow dry your hair.

And a fake Iphone. Of course.

 So that's that. I would write more but I'm super distracted by the flying cockroach on Real Housewives of Atlanta right now. I hope your Christmas was as merry as ours! Happy New Year!