A Very VanDernooty Christmas

Merry merry Christmas! I know you've all been waiting for the best present of all- a blog post recap of what I'm calling 'A Very VanDernoot Christmas'. We actually have FOUR Christmases this year, and we are only halfway through our yearly allotment of Christmas cheer. We will definitely have to be hitting the liquor aisle at Schnucks tomorrow. And by we I mean me and the kids. #teachyourchildrenwell #canyouhashtaginablogbecauseijustdidanyway

Christmas actually started sometime around mid-September when the kids started asking questions like 'Is it Christmas today?' and 'Will it be Christmas today?' and 'Christmas is today, right?' and also declaring 'It's Christmas!!!!' and 'It's Christmas today!' and 'Today is Christmas!!!' even though we had no tree, no decorations, were wearing shorts, no one had mentioned Christmas to them, had not seen Santa, had not been asked what they want for Christmas, had not made one Christmas cookie, had not read a Christmas book, saw a Christmas movie, sang a Christmas song, but STILL- the Christmas season begins for four-year-old's around September 15th. It was not annoying at all. Not one bit. What kind of monster would think it was annoying? 

We were ALL excited when we could actually legitimately start counting down the days until Christmas using the super religious Target brand Advent calendar, and the Pinterest inspired Cottonball Santa Beard calendar. Here we are on the last day:

Even though they had different designs, every day was the same picture and chocolate. Every day. EVERY. DAY. Everyday. Every single day of the 24 days. Yet somehow it was a complete and utter shock EVERY DAY when the kids discovered they had the same chocolate. It was a hilarious coincidence! I'm just going to go ahead and call this our gifted testing.

Next year's going to be even better when my invention of pre-sticky cotton balls comes out and I don't have to search for tape every day. My life is so hard.

All done!

Smurf Santa. He's having a bluuuuuuuuuuue Christmas, without you.

Since I've been little, Christmas Eve has always been spent with my Dachroeden side of the family. My dad and stepmom have a really nice house for hosting parties now, so we've headed down to Washington, MO the last few years. I always think I could live in Washington until I actually drive there. It's a really nice little town and it's really not all that far away, but it's just far enough that I don't think it'd be very fun to commute every day. You know. My long commute. From the bedroom to the kitchen. But you know what I mean.

We had a 'serious' talk with the kids on the way down about present receiving manners, and how to act when you get a present, and what to do if you get a present you don't really like, and not to say 'Is that all?, Where's my next present? What's next? Gimme gimme gimme!' like they did last year which was very embarrassing for them (but they didn't realize it) and I have to say that it actually worked! Both kids were really on their best behavior and were cute and adorable and hugged all the relatives without being a butt about it and charmed everyone like I knew they could, and it was really a great, great day. I guess that naughty or nice shit really sunk in this year. Thank you Jesus Santa!

Obligatory photo in front of our tree. Penny wanted to wear pants too because she hates me and wants to deny all my God-given rights as a mother of a girl like dressing her up cute and doing her hair. So unfair. I'll just have to braid Jamie's back hair I guess. =(

She was extra adorable though, even with the pants.

Literally jumping up and down with excitement.

Papa and Grandma have a pretty bitchin' tree for taking pictures in front of.

I feel the need to say here that today Jamie told me the sweater I was wearing was 'very unflattering', yet he did not make any mention of how hideous I looked before we left the house. So I apologize if I offend your eyes. He is getting coal in his stocking next year.

Olaf earmuffs!

With surprise mittens! Everyone thought this was hysterical, which it was.

He was SUPER pumped about this goo stuff, I mean it's pretty cool and everything but he was INTO it. Next year it will be an all goo Christmas.

The gloves have been detached!

My Uncle got both kids a watch, which at the time (HA!) I thought to myself, 'Oh Lord, they won't care about a watch, they're only four,' but man-oh-man was I wrong. Penny is obsessed with the watch. She slept with it last night and is currently sleeping with it so she can tell what time it is throughout the night. We need to get about fifty million links taken out of it for the watch to fit her, but I think it is definitely a contender for top Christmas gift of the year.

Teddy bears from Great-Grandma. You can always rely on Great-Grandma for a stuffed animal or two.

Building Transformers with Grandpa Charlie. Who's teaching who?

Checking the time, on her sled, with her lunchbox, wearing her earmuffs.

She's ready for anything! Seriously. Anything.

The Dachroeden grandkids! Somehow I did not get the tall, slender, and dark-haired gene. I also like how we are unintentionally kind of in height order. And the tallest one is also the youngest and the shortest is the oldest. =( Is it too late for a growth spurt?

So that was Christmas Eve. We came home, put out cookies, got the kids to bed, and watched Planes, Trains and Automobiles, which is great, but incredibly cheesy and downright confusing at the end. Why is the wife so serious?

Christmas day was different this year and I have to say it was a very good change. Usually we would wake up here, open presents, rush around to get ready, go to my moms for hours, go to Jamie's moms for a while and then come home and crash. This year we made plans to celebrate Christmas with Jamie's side of the family on Saturday so that was knocked off the to-do list for today; my sister and her kids moved to Indiana, my stepdad went to Ohio to be with my Grandma, so it was just my mom at home. We made her come over here in the morning for presents, we made a last-minute decision to go to my Uncle's for lunch/dinner, went and played at the school playground, came home, ate Tortellini, played with toys, took a bath (one of us did... I'll never tell who), watched a truly terrible version of Frosty the Snowman on Hulu plus, and put the kids and husband to bed. It. was. the. BEST! The best. I can't recommend it enough, seriously. It was so low-key, the kids got to play with everything they wanted for however long they wanted, I got to clear out the playroom and do a deep-cleaning (which I know sounds lame, but is actually super exciting for me, (for real)), Jamie got to fall asleep on the couch multiple times, and we still spent time with family and once again everyone was on their best behavior! A true Christmas miracle!

Santa stopped by Legoland! But he forgot to take the tag off. Bad, bad Santa.

Thank goodness he made that extra trip...

MONTHS ago Penny saw this cup at Marshalls and never forgot about it. I'm a big believer in only buying presents for birthdays and Christmas so I told her to put it on her list. And she did. At least once a week when we drove past Marshalls she would say 'There's where my cup is!' or something to that effect. So of course Santa had to bring that. It'd be a lot easier if she had a poorer memory.

Chapstick? Seriously?

He'll try it out, but he won't be happy about it.

My genius idea this year was to get the kids an ornament based on what they were for Halloween that year. So Penny got a Rudolph, which she was thrilled about. That girl loves her some reindeer.

And of course... jelly beans.

Captain America slippers!

Eh, not so much. Mom fail.

How do you work this damn thing?

My clutter OCD side was having a hard time this morning. She needed an extra shot of Rumchata in her coffee.

I'm pretty sure he has since forgotten this existed. But he was excited in the moment!

Learning the states. She was especially excited about Michigan.

Looking for that last present or two.

So Jamie's the kid's big present were robots so they can start learning how to program. Or is it Program? Do what Jamie does I guess. They were pretty badass, but I mostly got pleasure out of screaming 'ROBOT', Lucile Bluth-style.

Lego's with Gigi. When I asked her why I never had Lego's growing up she said because I was a girl. I could have been an engineer! I could have been a contender!

We went Christmas casual today. Mostly because Penny refused to wear a dress. Actually completely because she refused to wear a dress. Because H is all formal.

Harry is into the 'Now kiss!' pictures...

Penny not so much. Let's hope this sticks through the teenage years.

So that's A Very VanDernoot Christmas Part 1 and 2. To be continued...

A Christmas memory, miracle, and WTF?

First the memory:

- My sister is adopted and for a while we fostered her. I always say 'we got my sister through foster care' but that sounds a lot like 'we got my cat through the humane society' and there's gotta be a better way when you're talking about a person, but I haven't discovered it yet. Give me another 24 years and I'll figure it out. Anyway, before we 'got' her she was at this place called The Hope Center which was across from the brewery and was run by the Salvation Army. Although a quick google search makes it appear that The Hope Center doesn't exist, so maybe it wasn't called that? I'm pretty positive it was though. Maybe it's just not around anymore. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. (We did get our car stolen from in front of the orphanage though once with all the items that neighbors and family had bought from me for some fundraiser at McNair and when we got the car back, they were all still in the car. So thieves do not care about wrapping paper. Who knew?)

So while she was in the system, they did this program around Christmas where the foster kids and their foster siblings got to go to Kmart before it opened and go shopping with a police officer. I think we got like $20 to spend or something. Whatever it was, I distinctly remember buying a NKOTB poster with it which was probably not the point of the shopping trip (I'm sure we were expected to buy gifts for others) but I really wanted that poster. I think the point of the program was to build relationships with police which is kind of bizarre considering all the foster kids were children and shouldn't have had any negative experiences at such a young age, but maybe they had being that they were foster kids? I certainly didn't have any bad experiences with police as a middle-class blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl who had a bedroom with purple walls and track lighting and an extensive troll doll collection, but I was happy to take advantage of their kindness.

So here's the good part- we did this for a few years and one year there was a photographer from the North County Journal- remember the North County Journal? It is a sign of my age that I seriously miss that paper. The photographer was taking pictures of the cops and the kids, and lo and behold MY picture made it into that weeks paper. But the best part was the caption, which was something along the lines of 'Rachel Dachroeden, 9, shops with Officer Friendly from the Hazelwood Police at KMart for a program for needy children.' In case you missed it, it said NEEDY CHILDREN. Or perhaps it was disadvantaged youths. Or impoverished kids. Or troubled youngsters. Either way, it was not applicable. I was what some (Jamie) might call spoiled, but I prefer to think of it that I was the perfect child and so why wouldn't I get absolutely everything I wanted needed?

But now- the best part. My church had a bulletin board that was just for newspaper clippings from when anyone in the congregation made it in the paper for anything- little league team of the week, A honor roll, whatever. So not only did I get called out as a needy child in the local paper but it was also pinned to the bulletin board at church for at least until my mom noticed it and made them take it down. My fifteen minutes of fame- shortened by a mother's pride. How rude. I have no idea if the clipping is still around but I would love to get my hands on it if it is. I'm pretty sure I was rockin' an awesome chunky headband/perm combo...

Now, the miracle:
When we went to Kansas City last month and visited Legoland, Penny saw this stuffed dog that she really wanted. She named it and everything. I told her to put it on her Christmas list and maybe Santa will bring it. I figured she would forget about Flowers. She has not. So I looked online, looked in stores, called The Lego Store at the mall, called the gift shop at Legoland in Kansas City (who never answers the damn phone), and this dog is nowhere to be found. Not even on ebay. Apparently it is ONLY sold at Legolands for some terrible, horrible reason. My plan for dealing with this was to find a white stuffed dog that looked as similar as possible to the Flowers and hoping her memory had faded after a month apart.

But then!

My dad (stepdad for those who know the difference) drives cars for Bommarito and guess where he's driving tomorrow? KANSAS CITY! Papa for the win! So Christmas 2014 will not be ruined, all thanks to the person in St. Louis who wanted a certain car that is only in Kansas City and therefore must be picked up in Kansas City and driven back to St. Louis with a special friend in the passenger seat. A Christmas miracle indeed.

And finally, the WTF:
We cut the cord so I never watch live TV anymore except for when I"m at the Y working on my fitness. And except for when The Charlie Brown Christmas special is on TV as it was tonight. Being that we don't have a DVR, we have to watch all the commercials. ALL. THE. COMMERCIALS. It sucks. I usually tune out or even put it on mute, but one commercial actually stuck with me although I'm not 100% sure what store it is for. I think JC Penney. What stuck with me was the slogan- When it fits, you'll feel it. When it fits, you'll feel it. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? What does that have to do with shopping? All it makes me think about is you know what fitting in to you know what and I actually laughed out loud the first time I saw it, figuring it was some kind of joke commercial. But after seeing it a few more times, I'm pretty sure it's no joke. Someone in the marketing department came up with 'When it fits, you'll feel it' and I'm sure lots and lots of people signed off on it as a good idea. It is not a good idea. It is a hilarious idea. So thank you JC Penney or Sears or whoever you are for bringing extra Christmas cheer to everyone's inner 17 year-old-boy. Well done!

Kansas City: Who knew?

We took a mini-vacay to Kansas City two weeks ago and it was a lot of fun- who knew? I have lived in St. Louis my whole life but have never traveled four hours to the west and actually stopped for longer than it takes to go the restroom. (I did go to my Mothers of Twins Club Conference last year in KC, but I only left the hotel once and it was kind of a random 'Where are we going?' sort of situation and I ended up at the library reading for two hours. So it doesn't count.) Kansas City has always had bad mojo for me; a sweet, sweet lady who went to my church died in Kansas City and I think it must have been one of the first times that I really was confronted with the death of someone I saw every week because it really stuck with me and made me feel icky about going there. But spoiler alert- no one died on this trip, so phew- the bad mojo is broken.

That being said, the only thing that could get me to Kansas City initially was seeing my favorite author of all times live, in person, in the same place, breathing the same air as me. I started reading Stephen King books when I was WAY too young to, if memory serves me correctly it was somewhere around seventh grade. My junior high was connected to the high school and we shared a library, so I got a permission slip from my mom (I'm still not sure why she signed it, she had clearly never read any Stephen King), and started my love affair with... Christine? I think? I really wish I could remember my first SK book, but once I started it was like an avalanche and I can't remember. I do remember reading IT in eight-grade social studies during the scene were the girl has to have sex with all the boys to take their mind off the big scary spider that's going to kill them, and I think she was on her period... I don't fully remember but I remember being kind of traumatized. But clearly I recovered. Except I still get leery when I take a shower and there's a drain on the floor.

So when I saw that he was actually going on tour to promote his latest book, and he was actually leaving the East Coast and was going to be only FOUR short hours away from me, I knew I had to go. Luckily tickets were only $30 which included the book, and I snatched two up pretty much as soon as they went on sale. I thought for a minute about taking Jamie and making it a relaxing, rejuvenating, sex-filled weekend, but that lasted only a minute and I figured I should take my mom who is now also a SK fan. And then take Jamie to babysit for us. From my lover to my babysitter. Jamie has been traveling to visit his second family in New Jersey a lot this year, and is a Gold Level Marriot person, so we got two free nights at the Residence Inn which I now want to live in all the time. It was so nice. So, so nice. I can never not stay at somewhere that is not a Residence Inn now, I am ruined for life. RUINED!

We left St. Louis Thursday morning and stopped in Columbia for some Shakespeare's Pizza. We got to Kansas City in the afternoon, hung in the hotel for a while and then my mom and I headed out to the reading. The church were the reading was being held was only two blocks from the hotel so we walked through the not-scary-at-all streets of Kansas City. We were in some kind of shopping district and I wish we would have had more time and had been about fifty degrees warmer because I would have loved to have walked around. The reading was great, I actually cried a little when he walked out, it is a moment I won't forget. Seeing Stephen King in person is definitely a bucket list thing for me; now if I can get John Corbett to  pick me up and carry me somewhere like he does to Carrie Bradshaw all the time, my life would be complete.

On Friday we went to Legoland, with intentions of going to the aquarium next door at some point later in the day. The reviews of Legoland are not the best and I didn't have very high expectations. Perhaps low expectations are the key though, because I really thought Legoland was great. We stayed there all afternoon and didn't make it to the aquarium that day. Good times were had by all.

You enter in a 'Lego factory' and some well-meaning tour guide tries to give information while the kids run around randomly. But you do get a souvenir Lego. Well worth the price of admission.

What I'd really like to know is my weight in Lego bricks. I'm guessing 45 million.

This is how many Lego bricks tall she'll be when she graduates high school.

They had a whole Star Wars room. Lot of nerd hours went into the making of this room.

They had a ride. Two rides actually, but the first one was even lamer than this one, where you had to pedal yourself up and down. Ugh. Exercising on vacation? No thank you.

They had a whole Kansas City room, it was actually seriously amazing.

I had forgotten that Wizard of Oz took place in Kansas, but Legoland Kansas City had not.

There was a Chuck E. Cheese-style indoor playground with a slide. Obviously.

Sigh. The Lego Friends area. While Harry and Jamie took a 'Master Builder' class to make a dinky airplane, Penny made 75 pink and purple houses while I struggled to stay awake. I mean proudly watched my future engineer, encouraging her every step of the way.

And of course there was a kitchen. Because, vaginas.

The race track area, the kids spent a little time here...

Jamie spent a lot of time here. Like, I had to tell him to leave because we were all ready to go home.

There was also a 4D movie theater that showed movies every 45 minutes. There was one where a female character wore this half-shirt halter top thing and my mom complained that it was sexist and the manager said my mom was the very first person she'd had complain. Which is super depressing. And mildly embarrassing.

We left Legoland and headed straight to a Mexican restaurant called Margaritas, as I suspect most parents do. The food was delicious and the margaritas were on happy hour, so it was a wonderful experience. Except we had to meet Jamie's old friend for dinner later and all I wanted to do was sleeeeeep with my best friend tequila. But I rallied, and we met his friend and his lovely wife for dinner and had a great visit. Since I had already had dinner I ordered guacamole and anytime I can eat an entire bowl of guacamole and call it second dinner I'm happy.

The next day (Saturday) I took the kids to the pool and played Captain America Pups where the kids are Captain America's dogs and I'm Captain America but also a bad guy at the same time and the kids talk in these annoying dog voices and I'm in spitting distance of a hot tub and it was all very unfair. We checked out of the hotel (I miss it so much already!) and went to the aquarium before heading home. The aquarium was meh; we had bought a ticket package with Legoland so we had to go, but I would not have wanted to pay full price for tickets. We were there for about an hour or so, and the kids were more interested in the little stamp booklet than the fish.Or the sea life I should say. It wasn't great, it wasn't terrible, but it was a nice way to end our trip.

Look! A turtle!

You could touch a starfish, which I hear feels like a rock but Penny and I weren't having any of that. I don't trust things that live in the water.

This was cool but terrifying. An octopus of some sort.

THE STAMPING STATION!!! WE GOTTA GET TO THE NEXT STAMPING STATION MOM!!!

She was ready for the next stamp at all times.

Harry got to first base with this Angelfish.

Oh. My. God. This was some kind of horrible Sea Spider crab that is the stuff of nightmares. You'll notice I'm taking the picture and not the one forcibly holding Penny next to it.

The Octonauts were there supposedly, but this was the only evidence I saw.

Harry,

my cooperative child.

Penny,

my...

child.

We had a really great time in Kansas City and I feel like we barely saw it. I hope to come back sometime and spend a little longer when it's a little warmer. Until we meet again KC!