Blog again? Don't (mine)d if I do!

Soooo... long time no blog! I've been a little busy but also a little uninspired for blogging until tonight- I've been waiting for this American Experience program 'The Mine Wars' for a long time now and it's finally on my PBS app thing on my Roku- so exciting! I"m really fascinated by mining and miners, I think you would have to shoot me and drag my dead body into a mine if you ever wanted me to go into one. It sounds like the worst place on earth. Well the second worst place on earth, with a Donald Trump rally being the first. Ba da da! Or actually, that would be entertaining, I think a Ted Cruz rally would be far more terrifying. NO wait, a Ted Cruz rally IN a mine- that is the stuff nightmares are made of.

Only Derek Zoolander could make life inside a mine seem fun. 

We went on this 'Pretend You Are in a Mine!' thing at the Museum of Science and Industry last summer and I learned a lot. They say we actually went underground, we rode in a little mine train, and I touched a piece of coal, so I can now put Coal Miner on my resume- huzzah! And I have been updating my resume, I am only on a temporary contract so there is no guarantee I have a job next year. Which leads me into my:

List of what I've been doing since I last blogged/life update:

1- Updating my resume, cover letter, and applying for jobs. Ugh. It suuuuuuuucks. The best part is asking people to write you letters of recommendation because that's not awkward at all. But I'm pretty much done so now I have more time for blogging!

2- We rented our Overland house in December so yay! And by we I mean the management company we are paying to do all the work for us. We are getting enough rent each month to pay our mortgage and then some (some= approxiamately 87 cents). Ballin'!

3- I still have my lone chin hair, we have become quite close. I use to have to kind of search my chin for it, but now my fingers are drawn to it immediately like a magnet. I sincerely enjoy pulling it when I'm in deep thought and Jamie can't keep his hands off me when it catches the light just so.

4- And speaking of magnets, today I introduced my class to magnets and they were FASCINATED. The fun thing about kindergarten is that some of these kids don't know anything about anything so giving them a magnet and a tiny metal wagon and telling them to slowly move the magnet toward the wagon and see what happens is like teaching them magic or something. I also told them about gravity last week and we watched videos of astronauts in the ISS (not to be confused with ISIS, I don't think they have the technology for that yet), and they thought that was amazing too. Sometimes teaching kindergarten is fun. Especially when we're having a 'serious' discussion about weather and how some parts of the world have changing weather and other parts are either always hot or always cold and one of your kids raises his hand to tell the class that his dad used to be an elf at the North Pole before he was born and he told him it was cold all the time, and all the kids are nodding their head like 'Yeah, yeah, of course your dad was an elf,' and you are shaking with laughter facing the wall so no one can tell. Good times.

5- So I had this robe, a white robe covered in strawberries that I think I got in like fourth grade or something. But this wasn't an ordinary robe, this robe somehow grew with me and has basically been my only robe for most of my life and was like a second skin. And yeah, it was a little tattered and worn but aren't all the best things in life tattered and worn? I mean-

Google tells me this is the Betsy Ross flag. See how tattered and worn and MAGNIFICENT it is?

 But this Christmas both Jamie and my mom got me a robe (Jamie got me a medium, my mom got me an extra-large. Thanks mom.), so I had no reason not to retire my old tattered and worn Strawberrobe. Instead of putting it out to pasture or retiring it in my closet (or framing it which was a serious idea), my friend Nancy sewed it into a pillowcase and nine (!) napkins for me!!!!!!!! They're so beautiful!

I told Jamie he could borrow my pillowcase if he wanted and he said he would only borrow it to pee on it, so can my lawyer put that in my divorce file please?

6- We are getting a new couch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just ordered it today.

I hope it comes with the hardwood floors.

I bought our current couch before Jamie and I were even dating, twelve or thirteen years ago. It is mostly held together by food the kids wipe on it, cat nail scrapings and skin mites. I have been asking for a new couch for approximately one million years and Sunday night in bed I had an epiphany- I don't have to ask for shit anymore! I am making my own GD money and if I want a new couch, I'm buying an effing couch. So I did! I told Jamie about it first of course as any obedient wife would do, and then I took his credit card out of his wallet and ordered it over the phone. I can't wait for it to come in, look for your invitation to our couch-warming party soon!

7- Penny is trying new foods! I think she might actually finally be growing and is legitimately hungry, so in the past the threat of 'if you don't eat dinner you get no snack' didn't phase her before because she never seemed to be hungry, now she is hungry and she's willing to try new things because they might taste gooo-oood. Hallelujah! She still mostly lives on spaghetti and parmesean cheese but at least we have some hope for the future.

So that's about it for now, my Mine Wars show is really starting to get interesting! For instance, in the early 1900's miners were only paid 40 CENTS for 5 TONS of coal. 40 cents. Maybe I won't put Coal Miner on my resume after all.
                

Top three

Here is a list of things that can add additional stress to a teacher's life:
- starting at a new school
- starting a new grade
- decorating/supplying a classroom
- meet the teacher night
- learning a new curriculum
- organizing materials for learning
- attending professional development
- preparing for a sub
- IEP meetings
- end of quarter assessments
- report cards
- field trip
- parent teacher conferences

I have done all of this in the last three weeks (minus conferences, that's this week). So I'm going to start being nicer to myself and stop questioning why I'm so stressed and sometimes feel like I'm on the verge of a full-blown panic attack. I'm not a full-blown panic attack type of person, and I'm not really digging this feeling, so I'm hoping it goes away soon. Please and thank you.

I had a really great weekend, we had no real plans and took advantage of it. I cleaned my whole house today, got a lot of stuff done for my classroom, and spent quality time with the kids. And of course Jamie. He's always in the background somewhere, just waiting for me to tell him what to do for me next- I"m so lucky! This weekend he went rogue and spent a lot of time organizing various drawers throughout the house. The end table drawers, the master bath drawers... drawers that one would never even imagine would need organizing! I think he found his secret talent, he could start a show for HGTV. Let's call it 'What's in Yo Drawers?'. Look for it in the summer of 2016. Meanwhile I will be putting locks on all of my drawers at home...

So Jamie had his drawer-cleaning, but I had not one but THREE thrilling things that happened to me over the weekend that I just have to share. We'll start at the top:

#1- I cleaned my purse out before we went to Colorado and just dumped all the shit that I didn't need for the trip in a bowl. I finally got around to going through the bowl yesterday (I've been a little busy the last three weeks) and there was a QT gift card. I thought it was one that had like 83 cents on it, so I didn't think much of it. I went to QT yesterday for a mid-afternoon cappucino (medium, fat-free french vanilla with just a touch of a button's worth of the regular FV on top), and I handed the gift card to the cashier with my wallet in the other hand and asked him to tell me how much I owed him because it only had like four cents on it (I tend to exaggerate things in QT. It's the only place I'm truly comfortable and the one place I know I am never judged.) But then BAM, this sweet angel of QT heaven told me that I had plenty of money on the card, in fact I had 30 AMERICAN DOLLARS on it. THIRTY. DOLLARS. I basically went from QT poverty to the 1%, because who really gets more than $30 on a QT gift card, what can you really buy there that costs more than $30? I guess gas, but what kind of idiot would actually use their gift card for a tank of gas when they could spread the joy out over thirty visits on 79 cent fountain sodas? And I have no idea where this $30 gift card came from, but it was truly the highlight of a pretty great weekend to begin with. $30 dollars to QT... the possibilities are endless!

#2- I went to the O'Fallon Brewery Tap Room place/restaurant/bar with my neighbor and friend (she is my neighbor but also my friend, so I'm not sure which descriptor I should use), and it was pretty amazing. They have SEVEN pumpkin beers on tap, including pumpkin, peach pumpkin, vanilla pumpkin, IMPERIAL pumpkin which is very, very, very pumpkiny and good, and some other ones I can't remember due to the quantity of pumpkin-flavored beer I consumed.  I also tried strawberry beer which was good too. And I didn't even get the Wheach on tap which is my usual favorite because there were so many other delicious-sounding options. (Sidebar- Harry just came out of his room to tell me he had a bad dream which is bullshit because he most definitely has not even fallen asleep yet, and he had to pass by Jamie who is sleeping on his floor to come tell me this. He walked over his dad who is in his room, asleep, on the floor, to come lie to me about a bad dream. I am either doing something very wrong or very right as a parent.) So if you are in the Maryland Heights area, or even if you're not, you should definitely check it out and invite me because it is kind of hard to find and I will guide your way and there's a lot more beer to try and the pumpkin-beer clock is a tickin'!

#3- Finally, I don't know if I ever made a formal announcement but we got some new appliances, a new fridge, washer and dryer, and they have changed my life for the better. That is not a lie or an exaggeration, I am a happier person since acquiring these new, wonderful things. The fridge is so big. Like so big. When I think there won't be room for all the groceries I bought?- I am wrong, there is room. There's a crushed ice maker and the cheese drawer is perfectly placed, it plays you a song if you leave the doors open to long... it's my new best friend. Or at least it was my new best friend until today when I washed and dried FOUR PILLOWS PLUS BEDDING in my new washer and dryer. I fully realize this is disgusting and I should not admit this but I never washed our pillows with our old washer and dryer. And I don't mean never like the skinny athletic person who says 'I NEVER go to the gym,' when they actually go all the time, or like me when I say 'I NEVER hide candy in my purse and eat in the car when I'm alone,' when there is candy in my purse right ow and I had a cookies and cream bar in the Walgreens parking lot today, I mean I NEVER washed our pillows. It is disgusting, you should all shun me, but it was just such a giant pain in the ass, it would take forever to dry, the washing machine would get all effed up from spinning the soaking wet pillows, it just wasn't worth it. The very few times I have washed pillows in the 12 years since I've been an adult living out of my parents home, I've done them one at a time. So being able to do all four from our bed, wash and dry, plus some sheets in one load is life-changing. Maybe this horrible rash that itches constantly and oozes smelly discharge that's behind my hair that I've had for 12 years will finally clear up. I'm kidding of course. Of course...

Brain break

I read somewhere that season four of Homeland was supposed to be on Netflix this month but it's not there. I search for it every day. And I don't understand:
a- how it could be on Netflix because I thought Hulu had an agreement with Showtime and Homeland is on Showtime.
b- why they would only put season four of a show on, that makes no sense. Unless Netflix is catering to Jamie and I only, as we have seen the first three seasons so really only having season four is perfect for us, and I know we are pretty special and amazing but I didn't know we were THAT special and amazing. But apparently we are. Thank you Netflix!
c- when is the latest season of Louie going to be on Netflix? Netflix executives who are reading my blog, can you please address this in the comments.

To switch back to Hulu, we've been watching the first season of Fargo which is amazeballs. So good. I think that Martin Freeman is just like the best actor ever. He was Tim on the British version of The Office, The Hobbit (?) or maybe just one of the hobbits, Holmes, and now this total jerk with a horrible accent on Fargo. He's the bees knees when it comes to acting. Get this man an Emmy, or better yet just give him an EGOT.

Weezer is coming to St. Louis and I want to go.

I haven't been to IKEA yet, but I did get a catalog in the mail!!!! Progress!

I lost my fitbit at work and I am so sad. I am fully aware that the fitbit was 10% truth, 90% total bullshit/arm movements, but I liked it. I bought into the lie. And now that the lie is gone, my motivation to lose weight is gone too. I was doing so well, Jamie is always telling me how skinny I look and that I should eat more. The only thing that eases my pain is the Garrett's popcorn my neighbors brought me from Chicago. Imagine all the 'steps' I could have brought in from shoveling that into my mouth with both hands!!!! RIP fitbit, you will be missed. But mostly, RIP Garrett's popcorn, I ate the last of you today. You will be missed so very much more than that stupid, lying fitbit.

I'm trying to avoid talking about teaching because I don't know the new rules of blogging and teaching. Or if there are any rules. All I know is some teacher at Central High said something stupid on Facebook or Twitter and then she was all over the local news, and I do not want to end up all over the local news. I will say this:
- It is tiring. My feet hurt, and I bought the most God awful ugly shoes this summer 110% based on comfort and they still hurt at the end of every day.
- I have about two pairs of pants and four shirts that are work appropriate. Five years of SAHMotherhood has drastically reduced my wardrobe of clothes that one should wear in public. I don't know if I have any long pants besides jeans that fit anymore (from all my weight loss), and winter is coming... I have to go shopping.
- But I have this job that keeps me from shopping during the day.
-  And the thought of shopping on the weekends sounds horrible. I can see why people shop online for clothes, an idea that has always horrified me, but I may be embracing soon.
- My students are cute. They are mostly really, really well behaved and smart. I am very lucky to be teaching where I'm teaching. I have a boss who is a friend and more importantly a great leader, my coworkers are nice and helpful, and it is close to home. I have to fight the urge to kiss them (don't alert the authorities yet), but it's weird- for five years I've had children to love on and hug on all day every day (I realize this is sounding worse by the word), and it's hard to break that mindset. I did kiss a boo boo on the finger today, so if my next blog post is all about how I am no longer employed, you'll know why.
- I do have a student who every day has told me he loves me so I tell him that I love him too. And I really do love him.
- I teach in a loud voice. I am already a loud talker, but my teaching voice is just naturally loud. Maybe it's from teaching middle school for so long. On my first day in kindergarten one of my kids told me that if I kept yelling I was going to lose my voice. But I wasn't yelling, I was just talking. So I need to work on that. I don't want to be known as the yelling teacher.
- I want to be known as the well-dressed teacher. If teaching in sweatpants and no bra ever becomes a thing, the title will be mine!
- Something that is new to me in the teaching realm is this high-tech thing called youtube. It is all the rage with the kindergarten teacher set. Apparently kindergarteners need 'brain breaks' and the best way to do brain breaks is by watching videos of grown men acting ridiculous and singing nonsense songs. Or acting ridiculous and counting to 100. Or acting ridiculous and spelling sight words.

In my next life, I'm going to make a million dollars by dancing around like an idiot in a video on youtube.

But right now I have to watch the season finale of Fargo. You betcha!

What's up?

It's been another long time no blog, and Jamie is out seeing a concert and the kids are in bed and I'm not tired so it's the perfect time to do an upate! It's been a busy, busy, busy time here at the VanDernoot estate, mostly because I've been working the last three weeks. I figured the best way to rip the bandaid off of my five-year unemployment was to agree to a three-week long subbing gig in kindergarten- I just can't get enough of kindergarteners! I think that's the perfect strategy for going full-blown insane as fast as possible- only teach in whatever grade my children are in. Because whatever age Harry and Penny are is the best age ever. Except for ages 0- 4. Those were terrible.

No seriously, I really can't get enough of five-year-olds. I think it was actually helpful somehow in making the transition from full-time SAHM to part-time SAHM with a large chunk of my day sans children. Because as much as I did enjoy being a lady of leisure for two weeks, I legit missed Harry and Penny and could get a little sad mid-day when I couldn't find anything good on TV to watch. So when I'm in a kindergarten classroom and a kid says/sobs 'I miss my mom' (which some kid is always either saying/sobbing or on the verge of saying/sobbing. I'm dead serious. Always.), I could say 'I miss my kids' and then the student would just kind of give me a strange look and back away slowly. But it was true. It was like a mini-support group except I was giving the student no support and they were giving me support but they didn't realize it/did not want to give me support but I was taking it anyway. A win/win for all!

The first week of working full-time was rough. The second week was okay. And by the third week I loved it. I never missed teaching the five years I was out, really, I never missed it, but now that I know I'm not going back next week I already miss it. I'm going to miss those little boogers. That were always coming out of the kid's noses. And the kids that the noses belong to. My next subbing assignment isn't until the end of the month and is for a friend who teaches middle school science, so I'm excited about that. Because if there is one age group who is notorious for following instructions without wavering from any authority figure, it is middle schoolers. I'm sure it will be a breeze!

I also started teaching Cubbies (three and four-year-olds) in my church's Awana program. It's on Tuesday evenings, we've had two sessions so far, and it's gone really well. Except that I forgot to ask the kids their memory verse which is the core component of the program, but so far, I haven't been fired. H and P are going to Sparks, and they memorized their memory verse which is John 3:16, which I think is pretty impressive. Except for the first few times they said it Penny would say 'For God so loved the world that he gave his only son Jesus, for whoever believes in him shall not perish and have a relaxing life' instead of have everlasting life. Hahahahahaha, religious kids say the darndest things. Jamie is LOVING all of this by the way, I think I can literally see the eyes rolling back in his head whenever the topic comes up, which is any time the kids are awake. You see, the kids got this CD with their Sparks book and it is the new fav in our house. Goodbye Boballoo and KidzBop Christmas, hello an entire song with all the books of the bible in it! Did you know there's a book of the Bible called Lamentations? There is. It's in this neverending song. And the Bible apparently. We are all learning so much! Jamie told the kids that he didn't believe in Jesus and God and Lamentations and I think he was expecting some kind of big reaction, or at least to make them stop playing the CD, but it didn't. Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers... it's a catchy tune.

Harry has his first soccer game tomorrow and he's nervous. I'm nervous too. I don't know why. Luckily the ballpark (soccer field park?) serves beer. My first inclination when he said he was nervous was to tell him he didn't have to play which probably explains my lack of competitive sport playing as a child. I don't get sport. How is it fun again? Please explain.

We bought a new fridge, washer and dryer today. They are all very fancy and high tech and our fridge has a crushed ice setting which is the only thing I remember about any of the new appliances. But we had to buy these things because we are FINALLY ready to rent our old house and need to put our current appliances in there for the future renters. It passed reinspection this week and the management company should have it listed this week. Halle-freaking-lujah. I'll add an Amen when they actually find someone to rent it.

We are flying to Colorado in one week for my cousin's wedding and I cannot wait. We're flying into Denver on Saturday, staying the night with my best friend, going to Manitou Springs (my favorite place ever) on Sunday through Tuesday, leaving for Breckenridge on Tuesday, wedding on Thursday, head back to Denver on Friday and fly home Saturday. It's going to be so fun! We're going to go to this dinky amusement park called the North Pole on Monday, we're going to go to Beau Joe's (!) at least seven times, Jamie's going to run through the Garden of the Gods and I'm going to eat ice cream from the best ice cream shop ever three times a day. Our goal was to be ready to do the Manitou Incline on this trip, but we'll have to save that for a future Colorado vacation. When I have a death wish. Or after my liposuction surgery.Or maybe Jamie and his second wife can do this on their honeymoon. Me and my second husband will cheer them on from the ice cream shop at the bottom.

How is this fun?

What else?
 Penny starts dance again on Monday.

The dog is getting her teeth cleaned on Wednesday.

We have two birthday parties tomorrow. Double cake day!

My twins sale is next Saturday and I'm selling close to 300 items.

We went camping last weekend and now I know what it feels like on the surface of the sun.

I finished watching Bloodline on Netflix.

 I think that's all! Update complete!

Welcome to the good life

We survived our first week (if you count a week as five non-consecutive days) of kindergarten!!!! Huzzah!!!! So I feel like a family check-in is in order:

First Penny-
-She loves kindergarten. She has a new best friend every day, and loves learning the letter of the day and the little dance move that goes with it. She loves riding the bus and today a boy named Michael gave her a 'friend ticket' (which was a Chuck E. Cheese ticket) and told her it meant she could sit by him on the bus. This did not make daddy or Harry happy, but I think it's cute. This week is color week where every day they wear a different color, (which is probably the most stressful thing going on in my life currently- what is Harry going to wear on pink day and purple day? And why is white day a thing? What kindergarten mom buys white clothes for their kids?), but she lives for 'special days' like this so she is in heaven. She sits at the girls table at lunch, plays hide and seek at recess, and asked her teacher what her first AND middle name are (Kim and Ann). She has not 'lost a cube' yet, which is their 2015 version of getting your name on the board. She has no idea what any other teacher's name is, but knows that the principal is Mr. Casner and that he is nice. And while she still wishes her school's mascot was a wildcat, she is adjusting to being a Bridgeway Bulldog.

Now Harry-
- He likes kindergarten. He was very excited for his 'break' on Friday, which normal people would call a weekend, but he called a break. I guess when you've lived your whole life as basically one long weekend, the whole concept is hard to grasp. He asked me at the bus stop on Monday morning when the next break was and I tried to once again explain the concept of the weekend, but he said, Nooo, I mean a long break, and this is the first full week of school folks. And then this morning he said, Mom, I want to be like you, and for a moment I'm all 'Awww, he really respects and loves me and thinks I'm an amazing human being,' and so I said Why and he said Because you get to stay home all day. So the next thirteen years are just going to be a blast for him! I always said I could home school him but not Penny, but I value my sanity more than my children so I will home school no one. The best day thus far was yesterday for him when they went to the library, and got to check out TWO books and if he brings them back Thursday he'll get to check out TWO more books. Like he's never been to the library before and doesn't have shelves upon shelves of books. But hey, whatever gets him excited, makes me excited. And he told my mom and me that his PE teacher's name is Jim again tonight, even though everyone has told him 100 times that it is not. Maybe he'll learn his name by spring break.

- He also had his first soccer practice last week and... there is now no denying that he inherited my running ability. Or should I say lack of ability. And when I told him he had practice tomorrow (his second ever), he had a heavy sigh in response. I don't foresee a long career of little league soccer, which really upsets me because there's nothing I enjoy more than waking up early to sit on the surface of the sun and watch children kick a ball. Really. I'm heartbroken. BUT we saw a bald eagle flying over the field at practice which was pretty cool, AND soccer is costing us zero dollars because his team is doing a raffle for some Cardinals tickets and he works with a bunch of suckers who bought them all, like they really think they're going to win these baseball tickets. Cardinals fans. So naive. So full of hope. But hey, I was fully prepared to just write a check and throw the raffle tickets in the trash so I'm pumped! Go Cards!

Then Jamie-
- He is currently sleeping in the recliner, with the recliner being in upright and seated position, even though I told him to go to bed, but he never listens to me. I bet if I said Hey, you should continue to sleep in that recliner, I LOVE it when you do that, he would have jumped up and gone to bed. I love him so much right now. Actually, this is all coming out of my extreme jealousy of his ability to fall asleep anywhere at any time. To dreeeeeam... the impossible dreeeeeeam...

- His work is having an 80's theme party on Friday which I HATE already because Why God Why? Why have a themed corporate party, just to make all the wives hunt around every thrift store in the area looking for stupid clothes they're never going to wear again? I think that is really the only reason. And when I told Jamie I looked around today and couldn't find anything and did he really even care about dressing up anyway, he said Yes. Yes he wanted to. Is there a box for this in an online divorce form? Who wants to 'dress up' as an adult? Not me. And why the 80's, I mean we are basically back in the 80's as far as fashion (minus the shoulder pads, may they rest in peace and NEVER come back), so I could basically go to any department store or H&M and get a full outfit, but then will I offend someone who has that outfit for real? I found some denim vests today at Red Racks, did people wear denim vests in 80's or was that the 90's? When will my boobs ever fit in a vest? Are vests back? These are all questions I need to know before I go to sleep tonight. I really just want to magically find some stonewashed jeans in my size (do they make them in a double zero?) and a Guns N Roses t-shirt and call it a day. Who can help me? Is there a personal shopper for thrift stores?

And last, but certainly not least, me-
- I did a google image search for euphoria and the first sub-category was fedora. And then there was this:

this:

and mostly this:

I think I could spend all day doing google image searches and never be let down. What the hell do fedora's have to do with being euphoric?
But I am euphoric, this whole lady of leisure thing is pretty fan-freaking-tastic. Although I do have a subbing job for four days next week, which I'm really pumped about. Students have a long history of respecting and listening to substitute teachers, so I know it will be the easiest job I've ever had. Right?

Until then, me and my fedora will be chilling at home and watching Netflix. Euphoric.

The days are long...

I am going to be a mess on the first day of kindergarten and I'm scared. I almost don't want to go because of the scene I know I'm going to make. Teachers will be talking about it for years. I will be the first parent specifically asked NOT to join the PTA (it's actually a PTO at their school, but I"m so used to PTA that I will probably call it a PTA forever, which will make me really popular in the PTO), and a restraining order will be made against all incoming kindergarten mothers for the first day of school every year, which will be referred to as 'being Racheled'. And Jamie has decided to go in late to work which will only make it worse because he loves me so much that every time he sees me cry, he starts to cry. And anytime she is not in REM sleep, there is a 75% chance that Penny could cry. Poor Harry.

Raise your hand (I'm practicing my teacher skills for subbing) if you have seen me cry.  Like really cry. Probably ten people (out of the twelve that read this) are raising their hands and they know that my fear is real. You see, I never really learned the fine art of crying quietly. A quick google search of woman crying brings up results like this:

The text next to this photo said 'Is your dog the reason you are still single?' I am not even shitting you right now. 

She's crying, but still maintaining an eleven on the sexiness scale. Which should be the number one goal of any crying woman. 

And this head scratcher:

What is this and what does it have to do with woman crying and I apologize for the nightmare you're going to have tonight.

I had to go the subcategory of hysterically to try to get an accurate picture of what I look like crying, but instead all I got was this:

Still sexy, and the text next to this one said 'Are you beach body ready?' What in the world?

And this:

She looks real hysterical. But we do have a strikingly similar tattoo in the same location, that's weird.

And the text next to that gem of a picture above said (and I"m not even kidding you right now), 'You're crying over a plastic vagina!' What has the internet come too??? Where are my cute cat videos???

Anyway, I think you got the point, I"m an ugly crier. Like Sally Field at the end of Steel Magnolias, which not surprisingly, always makes me ugly cry too. And I really don't want my first impression at the school to be of the hysterical woman clinging to her equally hysterical daughter. I feel that any sign of sadness or weakness on my end will be the pebble that makes the whole 'Penny is excited for kindergarten' charade fall down. She is excited, she just doesn't know it yet.

And I'm excited too, I really, really am, for oh so very many reasons, but the one that really stands out to me today is that I am over being a full-time parent. I'm over it. I did it for five years, I loved it for about 25% of those five years (I think that covers the amount of time kids sleep each night), I had fun, I made friends, I slept in, I basically wore pajamas as clothes most of the day (even in public), and it was GREAT, it really, really was, and I am blessed beyond measure that Jamie's job allowed me to do that and I don't have any regrets. But as I was standing in the bathroom of the Dollar Tree today, staring at Harrison who had just peed his pants, did I mention we were in the bathroom of the Dollar Tree? With two toilets? About five feet from where he peed his pants at? You know, because we were IN THE MOTHEREFFING BATHROOM OF THE DOLLAR TREE AND HE COULDN'T TAKE ABOUT FIVE STEPS TO THE TOILET SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO TO MARSHALL'S AND SPEND FIVE DOLLARS ON SHORTS THAT WE DEFINITELY DON'T NEED SO HE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO HIS DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT WITH OBVIOUSLY PEED PANTS. Whew, it felt good to get that out. Because as much as I wanted to literally scream this at him, I somehow kept it together and didn't abandon him, beat him, tear apart the Dollar Tree looking for a drop of alcohol, get in my car and just drive, none of that, I politely asked him why in the name of Mary, Jesus and Joseph did he not put one foot in front of the other about five times and pee in the God forsaken toilet instead of  down his leg, and when he shrugged his shoulders and said sorry, I accepted that and  walked calmly over to Marshalls to purchase new shorts. (And I should say that H has never peed his pants before this, ever, so I guess I should be grateful and hopeful that this was a first and a last type of thing.)

So I'm done. I'm done. I'm done! No more staring down a week of no plans and trying to fill at least four-five hours a day with activity so we don't lose our minds in the house, like I was doing in the Aldi parking lot today. And then it hit me that Monday we're going to Aquaport, Tuesday we're planning on seeing that damn polar bear at the zoo finally, and then Wednesday- I never have to plan the social calendar for children on a daily basis ever again! And yes, I"m sad, it's the end of an era, a door is closing and all, but another door is opening and I think what's behind this door is going to be even more exciting than before.

I signed Harry up for a study at Wash U a while ago and we finally did it this week, and one of the questions that I was asked was, 'When was the best time of your life?' And guess what I just blurted out, like not even thinking? Undergrad. And then I instantly felt guilty and bad, like I should have obviously said that these last five years have been the best time of my life. But it doesn''t feel true right now. I've been beating myself up about it, but I've decided that it's probably unfair to compare the time in my life when I had the least amount of responsibility to the time in my life when I've had the most responsibility and not feel that the time I was freer was the best time. Right? RIGHT??? Raise your hand if you agree with me. Good, everyone raised their hand, I can sleep easy tonight.

But the night before kindergarten? There will be no easy sleep for me, although taking a Nyquil at about 8 pm and hoping for the best is the plan for now. I would like to end this post with the end of the book I read the kids tonight, which is titled... The Night Before Kindergarten.

Of course this book made me cry. Pray for me.

I've Never... written a short blog

My Trending Now on Netflix shows this: Rescue Bots, Octonauts, Clifford, Johnny Test, Mighty Machines, Justin Time, and the list of kid's shows goes on. Could these seriously be trending? Jamie says yes, but I think he's messing with me. My Popular on Netflix list shows: Kipper, Color Crew, Leapfrog, Peep: Big Wide World and Garfield. Is this a real list? Are all these shows seriously popular? About the only thing I can say that Netflix got right is that they list The Fox and the Hound under Dramas. That shit is sad. And very dramatic.

I am all applied to sub for Hazelwood and Pattonville, and I have an orientation for Hazelwood in a couple of weeks. I'm actually excited, for real. I'm sure after about two and a half hours of actually subbing the excitement will be blasted off of me by rowdy children, but for now, I'm letting the euphoria of new employment wash over me. I am subbing for a few different reasons.

• For one, I can't stay home all day every day while the kids are in school and not end up on My 600-lb Life by the end of the school year. Some people stress-eat, I bored-eat. Although I really would like to meet that doctor who does all the surgeries on My 600-lb Life because he seems like an asshole yet at times compassionate on the show, and I can't tell if it's a cultural thing because I think he's from a different country, or if he has a speech impediment and just doesn't like to talk very much, but I do feel like if I do get up to 600 pounds it will be purely for investigative journalism and not for enjoyment. I will not enjoy a second of constantly eating fatty foods. Disgusting, am I right?

• For two, I legit miss teaching and am excited to get back in the classroom, even if it is only in a temporary capacity. Or should I say especially because it is in a temporary capacity. I love the idea of part-time work, really, it sounds like the only kind of work for me. Part-time mother, part-time lover, part-time teacher= complete Rachel. 

• For three, Ikea. Or is it IKEA? These are the things I'm going to need to know when I basically move into ikea when the store opens on September 30th, and don't move out until I have spent all of the kid's college funds on furniture and household goods. Just about everything in our house is a hand-me-down, and while we are grateful for all the furniture we've been given, we (I) are ready for NEW things, like not a recliner that is coated in breast milk or a couch that is coated in toddler urine and cat barf. Who wants to come visit? Lactating mothers of toddler with cats are not invited.

• And for four, Mexico. We are going to Mexico next summer and while it ain't expensive, it ain't cheap either. I'm actually shocked that we are going, I consider Jamie's approval of this trip to be one of my biggest wins ever. For you see, he is an alien from a planet of workers, and he doesn't appreciate or value a VACATION where you just lie around by the beach or the pool and drink and eat and drink and eat and nap and read and nap and read all. day. long. He wants to 'do stuff' which sounds just terrible. On our honeymoon he forced me onto a glass-bottom boat, which I thought would be a big group event, but it was literally me, Jamie, and the boat driver and I refused to get in the water to snorkel because I just knew the boat driver was waiting for us both to get off the boat in order to drive off and leave us in the middle of the ocean because that's what happens on Lifetime movie's and my life is nothing if not a Lifetime movie. I mean you've all seen The Babysitter's Seduction right? And let's not forget The 12 Men of Christmas and Inspector Mom. So anyway, we're going to Mexico and I couldn't be more excited but I'd get more sleep at night if the cartels would stop kidnapping and killing people on the regular, so someone work on that for me by next June please. Thank you. 

I'm teaching crafts at VBS this week and I asked the third and fourth graders what game they played today and they played I Never. And I was seriously taken aback, I was like I Never? I haven't played that since college! and the two high school helpers laughed, and I was mortified because I thought I was saying it to myself and then I was mortified and horrified because I think they know what I'm talking about but I'm not really sure, I mean they are volunteering for Vacation Bible School all week so I don't see them as the I Never-type, but now I'm wondering if there is some other version of I Never that I don't know about that is taking high schools by storm that's even worse than the version I played in college (like with S-E-X or something) and they think that's the version I was talking about, and I've basically been worrying about this all day. And I'm 100% positive the teenagers have thought about it zero times. It also made me think of when I was at church camp one summer and the counselors had us play Suck and Blow. And this was before Clueless, so I don't know if they honestly thought it was a fun, kid-appropriate game, but I was like 13 and it was the best game I ever played. We played it a LOT. Church camp for me was basically the opposite of whatever picture pops in your head when you hear the words church camp. So this this will make Jamie happy, because I'm declaring right now that our kids are never going to church camp.

But on a serious note, I have been giving a lot of thought to church and why I'm raising my kids in a church because I am the way minority from my mommy friend circle. I can think of three friends that I didn't meet in church that take their kids to church on a regular basis. And there are a number of reasons that it's important to me that my kids are exposed to religion throughout their childhood, but the one that keeps popping up is that it gives my kids the feeling and the sense that they are loved by someone outside of their family and friend circle, someone so much bigger and greater than anyone they have actually met, and I think that's an awesome feeling. And I"m glad my kids have that knowledge. I do these birthday books with them every year, where you interview them and one of the questions was 'Say what comes to mind when I say: home, sister, pet, blah, blah, blah' and one of them was God, and they both said on their own (I separated them so I wouldn't get the same answers) 'He loves us.' It actually brought a little cross-shaped tear to my eye. You all have permission to publicly stone me if you ever see a 99.1 sticker on my car, and I'm sure Jamie would divorce me, but I did program it on the number 5 spot on FM2, which is one spot above KSHE95 and below Hot 104.1. It's kind of awkward for all three stations, but they're working through it.

Speaking of religion, we went to the pool this weekend and there were three women in what I have come to learn are called birkini's (unless Jamie is once again messing with me), but basically it was head to toe coverage, where you could only see the lady's face, head and feet. And I was telling my mom about it because I'd never seen one before and now she wants one. And I might just get her one. Because she would actually wear it and that would be kind of the cherry on the sundae of my life. She really, really hates the sun. It is her number one enemy. She wears sunscreen on Christmas Day. She once wore a hat, sunglases, sun screen, and a long sleeve cover up in an indoor waterpark.

My mom could totally pull this off, although you will never see her in the ocean. Water is her number two enemy.

We saw the Minion's movie today, I wanted to see Inside Out but then my mom started telling me how (spoiler alert) the girl starts losing her imagination and the thing that is her imagination actually start disappearing and her just telling me about it made me tear up. I have a strict policy against paying money for a movie that is going to make me cry. I will watch it eventually, but only when I can rent it for free from the library. Plus on the way there Harry said he didn't want to see it because he is scared of the red guy, so that solidified my decision to avoid the movie. My review for the Minions is that I did not hate it! I did fall asleep for at least a half hour, so that probably helped, but seriously it wasn't as torturous as the commercials made it seem. While I will never, ever, ever understand the Minion obsession by grown adults, I can recommend the movie to extremely bored and tired moms who need a nap. And if you stay through the credits like Penny made us do, there's a whole little Minion music video to Revolution. I'm sure John Lennon is spinning in his grave. Revolution indeed.