Happenings

- We went camping this weekend and it wasn't a total disaster. I figured out that the key to successfully camping with kids is having basement-low expectations and then when it doesn't go terribly, you'll think it's a raging success and start planning the next trip while you're still on the first trip. Either that or the cave in the park produces some kind of mind-altering gas that makes you feel euphoric. I think the best part for me was when Jamie was doing something with the kids and I ate greater than eight but less than eighteen burnt marshmallows in a row because I didn't have his judgey face judging me and one of the other husbands told me 'Marshmallows are fat-free' but I know he was really saying 'It's totally normal to eat half a bag of marshmallows in the five-minute period where your husband is distracted with the kids.' And there was day-drinking, which you could put me in a cave in Afghanistan with some Strawberita's in the middle of the day and I'd be content. And I guess the kids had fun or something, between the day drinking and the marshmallow-binging, I was too busy to really worry about them.

- Jamie took the kids to swim lessons last night while I was at book club and the kids acted like shit like they do during swim lessons, and I was secretly (openly) gleeful that he got to experience it. He actually threatened and then took away all reading books and stories before bed this week because of how horrible they are during swim lessons. If I've read it in one parenting book I've read it in ten- if you're going to start taking things away as a punishment, the first thing to go should be books. Us VanDernoot's don't really need no book learnin' anyways.

- There are only three more days of swim lessons. I've come to the conclusion that Penny will never learn to swim and I am a-ok with that. I'm going to move her to North Dakota or some other land-locked state and then I'll be worry-free. Do they have boarding schools in North Dakota?

- Today we watched a Doc McStuffins and the big pressing issue that Doc had to fix was that Curly Q didn't like her hair. How is this a medical problem exactly?

- Jamie found out today that he is getting a bonus for traveling so much and he is giving it to me to do what I want with it. Is it a sign of old age that my first thought was that we could put it towards remodeling our bathroom? And my second thought was to use it to fly to Colorado, where I've already been twice this year. But my third thought was about how many Coke Zero refills I could get at the NEW QT BY MY HOUSE, and the answer is more than 1500.

- The new QT by my house opened on Thursday and it is glorious. The kids ask every day if we can go there. It is the new most-desired destination by Caucasian four-year-olds who reside in the 63114 postal code. Anyone want to meet us there for a playdate?

- We are remodeling our bathroom, finally decided on a contractor, put money down and all that serious stuff. Jamie told me last night that I was project manager. He is probably going to regret saying that, but I'm PUMPED! My first decision as project manager is to replace our tub with one of those jazzy tubs with the door and a seat. Look how happy this lady is!!!

Visual approximation of me after our bathroom is finished. Except my robe has strawberries on it.

- I have a no-bra policy when I am home and we don't have guests over, and this carries over to both my front yard and my back yard. Because my neighbors dare venture outside when I too happen to be outside, I am 99% positive that three out of four direct neighbors have at least seen my aereola, if not my entire breastal area this summer. (My congresswoman and the little boy down the street have also been exposed when they knocked on my door and caught me unawares).  This was not a problem in the winter. My neighbors across the street have taken to sitting in their driveway in the evening, and tonight I couldn't throw the mop water out without fear of completely flashing them so Jamie had to do it. Summer is really cramping my style.