The days are long...

I am going to be a mess on the first day of kindergarten and I'm scared. I almost don't want to go because of the scene I know I'm going to make. Teachers will be talking about it for years. I will be the first parent specifically asked NOT to join the PTA (it's actually a PTO at their school, but I"m so used to PTA that I will probably call it a PTA forever, which will make me really popular in the PTO), and a restraining order will be made against all incoming kindergarten mothers for the first day of school every year, which will be referred to as 'being Racheled'. And Jamie has decided to go in late to work which will only make it worse because he loves me so much that every time he sees me cry, he starts to cry. And anytime she is not in REM sleep, there is a 75% chance that Penny could cry. Poor Harry.

Raise your hand (I'm practicing my teacher skills for subbing) if you have seen me cry.  Like really cry. Probably ten people (out of the twelve that read this) are raising their hands and they know that my fear is real. You see, I never really learned the fine art of crying quietly. A quick google search of woman crying brings up results like this:

The text next to this photo said 'Is your dog the reason you are still single?' I am not even shitting you right now. 

She's crying, but still maintaining an eleven on the sexiness scale. Which should be the number one goal of any crying woman. 

And this head scratcher:

What is this and what does it have to do with woman crying and I apologize for the nightmare you're going to have tonight.

I had to go the subcategory of hysterically to try to get an accurate picture of what I look like crying, but instead all I got was this:

Still sexy, and the text next to this one said 'Are you beach body ready?' What in the world?

And this:

She looks real hysterical. But we do have a strikingly similar tattoo in the same location, that's weird.

And the text next to that gem of a picture above said (and I"m not even kidding you right now), 'You're crying over a plastic vagina!' What has the internet come too??? Where are my cute cat videos???

Anyway, I think you got the point, I"m an ugly crier. Like Sally Field at the end of Steel Magnolias, which not surprisingly, always makes me ugly cry too. And I really don't want my first impression at the school to be of the hysterical woman clinging to her equally hysterical daughter. I feel that any sign of sadness or weakness on my end will be the pebble that makes the whole 'Penny is excited for kindergarten' charade fall down. She is excited, she just doesn't know it yet.

And I'm excited too, I really, really am, for oh so very many reasons, but the one that really stands out to me today is that I am over being a full-time parent. I'm over it. I did it for five years, I loved it for about 25% of those five years (I think that covers the amount of time kids sleep each night), I had fun, I made friends, I slept in, I basically wore pajamas as clothes most of the day (even in public), and it was GREAT, it really, really was, and I am blessed beyond measure that Jamie's job allowed me to do that and I don't have any regrets. But as I was standing in the bathroom of the Dollar Tree today, staring at Harrison who had just peed his pants, did I mention we were in the bathroom of the Dollar Tree? With two toilets? About five feet from where he peed his pants at? You know, because we were IN THE MOTHEREFFING BATHROOM OF THE DOLLAR TREE AND HE COULDN'T TAKE ABOUT FIVE STEPS TO THE TOILET SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO TO MARSHALL'S AND SPEND FIVE DOLLARS ON SHORTS THAT WE DEFINITELY DON'T NEED SO HE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO HIS DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT WITH OBVIOUSLY PEED PANTS. Whew, it felt good to get that out. Because as much as I wanted to literally scream this at him, I somehow kept it together and didn't abandon him, beat him, tear apart the Dollar Tree looking for a drop of alcohol, get in my car and just drive, none of that, I politely asked him why in the name of Mary, Jesus and Joseph did he not put one foot in front of the other about five times and pee in the God forsaken toilet instead of  down his leg, and when he shrugged his shoulders and said sorry, I accepted that and  walked calmly over to Marshalls to purchase new shorts. (And I should say that H has never peed his pants before this, ever, so I guess I should be grateful and hopeful that this was a first and a last type of thing.)

So I'm done. I'm done. I'm done! No more staring down a week of no plans and trying to fill at least four-five hours a day with activity so we don't lose our minds in the house, like I was doing in the Aldi parking lot today. And then it hit me that Monday we're going to Aquaport, Tuesday we're planning on seeing that damn polar bear at the zoo finally, and then Wednesday- I never have to plan the social calendar for children on a daily basis ever again! And yes, I"m sad, it's the end of an era, a door is closing and all, but another door is opening and I think what's behind this door is going to be even more exciting than before.

I signed Harry up for a study at Wash U a while ago and we finally did it this week, and one of the questions that I was asked was, 'When was the best time of your life?' And guess what I just blurted out, like not even thinking? Undergrad. And then I instantly felt guilty and bad, like I should have obviously said that these last five years have been the best time of my life. But it doesn''t feel true right now. I've been beating myself up about it, but I've decided that it's probably unfair to compare the time in my life when I had the least amount of responsibility to the time in my life when I've had the most responsibility and not feel that the time I was freer was the best time. Right? RIGHT??? Raise your hand if you agree with me. Good, everyone raised their hand, I can sleep easy tonight.

But the night before kindergarten? There will be no easy sleep for me, although taking a Nyquil at about 8 pm and hoping for the best is the plan for now. I would like to end this post with the end of the book I read the kids tonight, which is titled... The Night Before Kindergarten.

Of course this book made me cry. Pray for me.