I am leaving for a mini-vaca to Colorado tomorrow and I am sooooo excited! And while I am very, very excited to see my best friend, I am also very, very excited to get the hell out of dodge. It's almost like my kids can sense that I'm getting ready for three days of rest and relaxation, and are ramping up all the wonderful three-year-old behaviors to make me appreciate my break even more. Here's what I'm going to do in Colorado-
- Sit and not get up unless my bladder is going to burst or I need a drink refill
- Read in my head. I will read nothing aloud- NOTHING. And all my books will have a minimum of 100 words on a page and absolutely no pictures. And lots of cuss words and sex scenes. Basically, the opposite of Lets Count Goats! which I have read 16 times today.
- Not count to five aloud. My 'Oh shit, mom's serious' strategy is counting to five, which means I count to at least three about 478,982 times a day. So I'm going to take a break from counting for a while. So no jumping out of airplanes or starting up the band for me on this trip. =(
- Not touch an oven, stove, or microwave. Not make one meal. DEFINITELY not make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Actually sit for the entire duration of my meal unless I need more wine.
-Give my 'hostage-taking situation' level of negotiation a break. This can happen anytime, but mostly at meal time. Take today for instance, P wanted gummy fruit snacks. I told her she had to eat two dinosaur chicken nuggets (we are way into health food at our house) and then she could have them.
P- How about six bites?
Me- Two whole nuggets.
P- Two bites?
Me- Two whole nuggets.
P- One fifteenth? (She was hoping I'd be impressed by her accidental use of a fraction)
Me- Two whole nuggets.
She eventually ate the two whole nuggets and got her 100% all-natural (or was it 100% all-high fructose corn syrup, I can't remember?) gummy fruit snacks, but god dammit if she didn't annoy the shit out of me the entire time about it. When will she learn that I don't negotiate with terrorists? So eating without someone bitching at me the whole time is going to be like eating in France where I don't understand the language. Maybe I'll turn on Judge Judy in the background so I don't get lonely.
-Get out of the car and walk immediately to my destination without fear of the police surrounding my car while I'm gone and breaking out my windows.
-Wipe only myself.
-Not be called mom. If someone calls me mom in Colorado, it is an automatic punch in the face.
-Wake up when I want to.
- Not watch Paw Patrol and not listen to any song associated with the movie Frozen.
And if I were a better person, I'd have one last point like 'try to not cry myself to sleep every night because I miss my kids so much' or 'gain a new appreciation for the unique qualities of my children and how I miss them when they're not there' or 'exercise and eat healthy and miss my kids', but that's just not me. And if this trip is about anything at all, it is about me. Oh and I guess my best friend. What's her name again?
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