Birth Day

I first wrote this as a Facebook note (ah, Facebook notes- those never really went anywhere did they?), and since the kids' FOURTH birthday is quickly approaching I thought it was time to revisit their birth. Because who doesn't love reading about other people's semi to totally traumatic deliveries?

I wrote this in early June 2010, Penny was still in the NICU so I had all the free time in the world just caring for one baby at home. It won't be that easy again until Penny leaves for college. (Last night we were talking about houses and I asked Harry what his house was going to look like when he bought a house, and he informed me that he is not buying a house, that he is going to live in our house forever. Such dreams and aspirations on this one!) The original text from 2010 I'm keeping like this, and anything I add in 2014 I'm making like this. Do you see what I'm doing here? I'll also add some pictures for my illiterate audience. Let's get started.

This was taken at 34 weeks (duh), and H and P were born at 34 weeks, 5 days. I've added some weight to my face with Photoshop, so anyone who is pregnant now doesn't get too jealous of how good I look.

Birth Day
So, this is my dramatic story of my children's arrival. Is children's a word- I don't know? My brain has officially stopped working. If you are planning on giving birth anytime soon, you might not want to read this, although it could just be worse in my mind than it was in real life. I was just saying this to be nice; it was really terrible. I would advise against giving birth.

It all started at 10 pm on Wednesday. I got up from the couch and was hit with excruciating pain. I tried laying down, sitting down, standing up, leaning, walking, being still, rubbing, massaging, everything, but it was all equally awful. I think I even took all my clothes off, which was instantly distracting to Jamie because he was so aroused. I was watching "Pregnant and... homeless" and I kept trying to tell myself that it could be worse, that I could be going through this in a van by the river (which is literally where this lady lived), but that didn't help. I never got to see the end of this show, so if you know what happened to her and could tell me I would appreciate it. I did eventually see the end, she got a house somehow and her baby was born with webbed fingers from his time in utero spent near the river.

So I had Jamie call the exchange, but I had made up my mind that something was horribly wrong and by the time the doctor called back and told us to go to the hospital, we were already walking out the door. The ride there was terrible, every bump was terrible, the wheelchair ride was terrible, it was all terrible! I was too out of it while writing this to use the thesaurus function. The doctors looked at me and hooked me up to the monitors, because they thought one of the placenta's had abrupted (fallen off or detached, I'm not sure if I used that word right). But the babies were fine, no heart rate problems or anything. They gave me some pain pill that didn't help, I called my mom who didn't help, they gave me medicine to stop contractions and that didn't help either. At about 6 am, I was having contractions 1 minute apart and they said they were either going to give me medicine to stop the contractions or just give me a c-section that day. At about 7 am, the epidural man came in, and that's when I figured out I was getting a c-section and having babies that day! We called all the necessary people to come up to say their good-bye's in case I died on the table. It happens. people. I think they all thought they were coming up to find out what the babies were going to be (we didn't find out what they were gender-wise, Jamie wanted to be surprised), but that was the real reason.

I was telling Jamie how happy I was that he was taking my picture at this time.

Look at these jerks. Their insides were not trying to escape directly through their abdomen.

With my dad and my Grandma Joyce. I think 'from my feet laying flat on my back' is really the best angle to photograph me from. I'm going to suggest this to our family photographer this weekend.

Give this man a scalpel, he's going in!

You know I gotta get those duck lips in or you won't know it's really me. Also, why is this thermometer strip necessary? Am I going to spike a fever in the middle of the five minute surgery?

The epidural man did his thing, and life was good for a while. They wheeled me back and did all the c-section stuff, which I felt the majority of. I won't say that I felt everything because I probably would have blacked out from pain, but I could feel the sharpness of the knife and when they were sewing me back up I could feel the needle going in and out, in and out. Apparently in my first life I was some kind of severe drug addict, because pain medicine has never really worked for me the way it should. For example, the dentist has to give me the maximum amount of novicaine to do anything with my teeth and I can still kind of feel what's going on. So as you can imagine, it was awful but awesome at the same time. This was a boldfaced lie as to not make myself sound bad. It was 110% awful. When they took out baby A, Jamie said, "We have a Penelope" and when baby B came he said, "We have a Harrison" and those were the best words I have ever heard. That part is true. I got to see them for a minute and then they and Jamie left to go be evaluated. They both had to go to the NICU, but neither of them needed oxygen or anything more severe than an isolette and a feeding tube through the nose. Penny was 4 pounds 6 ounces, 17 inches long, and Harrison was 6 pounds, 19 inches long. Pretty good for being born at 34 weeks and 5 days, two weeks before what would have been a scheduled c-section.

Is this H or P, it's hard to tell?

Jesus Christ on the cross, look how tiny she is. I don't remember thinking she was really that small, but man was she small.

Jamie really enjoys documenting my excruciating pain. I think this was during the sewing up procedure.

He was not laid naked on my bare chest so we could immediately do skin-to-skin, so unfortunately, we never bonded. =(

I love this picture! He looks like a typical newborn, big cheeks and all. I just want to squeeze them!

And then there's Penny. She kind of looked like if an old man and a turtle mated. And what the fuck is up with this doofy hat? Like the vagina doesn't give away that she is a girl, we need this stupid bow hat?

I think I'm thinking 'Is this Benjamin Button?'

During the c-section they found out that I had a big old vein on the back of my uterus that had burst and had caused me to have contractions and lose a lot of blood in my abdominal cavity, so it was a good thing I delivered when I did. My doctor told my mom that on his top 10 list of what he expected when he opened me up, this was number 43. He also told me he was going to write a case study about my situation, so now I am famous! I have yet to receive any royalty checks, I'll have to bring this up during my next pap smear.

Then I was taken to "recovery", where truly horrible things happened to me involving: my uterus, the epidural being completely useless, and losing two liters of blood. As far as what happened in recovery I won't go into any more detail because it is too gross, but I did think I was going to die. I actually asked people if I was going to die, and some very kind nurse said 'No honey, we won't let you die, the hospital doesn't want that kind of publicity.' Which was strangely comforting. At one point I heard them say to call for 4 liters of blood and to call my doctor and tell him to come, so I figured it was bad. And my doctor did come, and he was very serious, which he is never serious (he calls me Rach, which I usually despise, but with him it's okay), so that REALLY freaked me out. Dr. P being serious clearly meant I was on death's door. I didn't die though, so yay for that! Yay!

After that, I got to hang out in recovery for a few hours and didn't get to see my babies until about 8 that night. Friends and family came up to visit and got to see them before I did. Everyone was very anxious to know what they were gender-wise. I spent the night on the labor and delivery floor just in case, and they wanted to give me two liters of blood but I said no. Perhaps this was foolish, but the thought of someone elses blood in me just grosses me out majorly. They kept monitoring me and drawing blood and I didn't HAVE to have it, so as long as I don't lose a limb in the next three months I should be fine. I didn't. I did get to stay an extra day, which was one more day close to my Penny so it was worth it. I could have stayed in the hospital all summer. I loved it so much. I'll never understand people who want to go home right away, where there is no one to refill your water, bring you cooked meals, wipe your butt, take your baby away when it starts crying, etc. 
The End

 

This has to be hands-down the worst picture of me ever, but I can't stop laughing every time I look at it. I think it was taken the morning after their birth day, when I was visiting both of them in the NICU North. (H spent his first night there.) I am obviously so tired/drugged up/missing massive amounts of blood, that I think this is how one smiles in a picture. I like the look on my mom's face, she's thinking 'Am I going to have to raise these babies with Jamie because Rachel's going to be committed soon?' If only.

I'm just sticking my hand in random isolette's. I was hoping to find ET. =(

H is like 'Fuck this NICU North deal, where all these tiny sick babies are in one giant room, and you have no privacy whatsoever, why couldn't I have been born three months later and had my OWN room from the start?' He was a very bitter newborn.

Oh Penny. I remember being seriously concerned about your future based on how you looked as a newborn.

She was alternating between fully opening the left eye, then the right. Very shifty. And I'm not quite sure why I'm feeding her a bottle considering she had her little nose tube in, maybe the NICU nurses were just humoring me.

This picture I love. Tape on the face and all.

Penny eventually got moved to her own room in NICU South. She had the sweetest nurses who would update her board, I especially liked this one.

H in the regular nursery. Memorial Day weekend was a busy one for birthing babies.

VanDernootie B (our friends made them these awesome hats), ready to go home. I have never cried in my life as hard as I cried when we went home and we had to leave Penny behind. I could see the nurses diagnosing me with the worst post-partum depression they've ever seen as I was wheeled out of the hospital holding H's carseat on my lap. You know how people say there were hysterical but they weren't really hysterical? I was hysterical. It was no good. Hardest thing I've ever had to do (and I realize now how lucky I am that that's the hardest thing I've ever done).

What I didn't put in my Facebook note, because I didn't know at the time, was that P spent 13 days in the NICU, to give her time to keep her temperature up and learn to eat and breathe at the same time- who knew that was so important? So our days were split between time at home with H, and time at the NICU with P, and I was also attached to a breast pump 24 hours a day.  Like a cow at a Dairy, except the cows get more time off. And they don't have to detach to poop and pee.

So that's Harrison and Penelope's birth day story. I think I'll show them this when they're in that awful teenager stage, and they will instantly appreciate me and stop whatever annoying teenage behavior they are currently doing. I'm sure it will work.