I've Never... written a short blog

My Trending Now on Netflix shows this: Rescue Bots, Octonauts, Clifford, Johnny Test, Mighty Machines, Justin Time, and the list of kid's shows goes on. Could these seriously be trending? Jamie says yes, but I think he's messing with me. My Popular on Netflix list shows: Kipper, Color Crew, Leapfrog, Peep: Big Wide World and Garfield. Is this a real list? Are all these shows seriously popular? About the only thing I can say that Netflix got right is that they list The Fox and the Hound under Dramas. That shit is sad. And very dramatic.

I am all applied to sub for Hazelwood and Pattonville, and I have an orientation for Hazelwood in a couple of weeks. I'm actually excited, for real. I'm sure after about two and a half hours of actually subbing the excitement will be blasted off of me by rowdy children, but for now, I'm letting the euphoria of new employment wash over me. I am subbing for a few different reasons.

• For one, I can't stay home all day every day while the kids are in school and not end up on My 600-lb Life by the end of the school year. Some people stress-eat, I bored-eat. Although I really would like to meet that doctor who does all the surgeries on My 600-lb Life because he seems like an asshole yet at times compassionate on the show, and I can't tell if it's a cultural thing because I think he's from a different country, or if he has a speech impediment and just doesn't like to talk very much, but I do feel like if I do get up to 600 pounds it will be purely for investigative journalism and not for enjoyment. I will not enjoy a second of constantly eating fatty foods. Disgusting, am I right?

• For two, I legit miss teaching and am excited to get back in the classroom, even if it is only in a temporary capacity. Or should I say especially because it is in a temporary capacity. I love the idea of part-time work, really, it sounds like the only kind of work for me. Part-time mother, part-time lover, part-time teacher= complete Rachel. 

• For three, Ikea. Or is it IKEA? These are the things I'm going to need to know when I basically move into ikea when the store opens on September 30th, and don't move out until I have spent all of the kid's college funds on furniture and household goods. Just about everything in our house is a hand-me-down, and while we are grateful for all the furniture we've been given, we (I) are ready for NEW things, like not a recliner that is coated in breast milk or a couch that is coated in toddler urine and cat barf. Who wants to come visit? Lactating mothers of toddler with cats are not invited.

• And for four, Mexico. We are going to Mexico next summer and while it ain't expensive, it ain't cheap either. I'm actually shocked that we are going, I consider Jamie's approval of this trip to be one of my biggest wins ever. For you see, he is an alien from a planet of workers, and he doesn't appreciate or value a VACATION where you just lie around by the beach or the pool and drink and eat and drink and eat and nap and read and nap and read all. day. long. He wants to 'do stuff' which sounds just terrible. On our honeymoon he forced me onto a glass-bottom boat, which I thought would be a big group event, but it was literally me, Jamie, and the boat driver and I refused to get in the water to snorkel because I just knew the boat driver was waiting for us both to get off the boat in order to drive off and leave us in the middle of the ocean because that's what happens on Lifetime movie's and my life is nothing if not a Lifetime movie. I mean you've all seen The Babysitter's Seduction right? And let's not forget The 12 Men of Christmas and Inspector Mom. So anyway, we're going to Mexico and I couldn't be more excited but I'd get more sleep at night if the cartels would stop kidnapping and killing people on the regular, so someone work on that for me by next June please. Thank you. 

I'm teaching crafts at VBS this week and I asked the third and fourth graders what game they played today and they played I Never. And I was seriously taken aback, I was like I Never? I haven't played that since college! and the two high school helpers laughed, and I was mortified because I thought I was saying it to myself and then I was mortified and horrified because I think they know what I'm talking about but I'm not really sure, I mean they are volunteering for Vacation Bible School all week so I don't see them as the I Never-type, but now I'm wondering if there is some other version of I Never that I don't know about that is taking high schools by storm that's even worse than the version I played in college (like with S-E-X or something) and they think that's the version I was talking about, and I've basically been worrying about this all day. And I'm 100% positive the teenagers have thought about it zero times. It also made me think of when I was at church camp one summer and the counselors had us play Suck and Blow. And this was before Clueless, so I don't know if they honestly thought it was a fun, kid-appropriate game, but I was like 13 and it was the best game I ever played. We played it a LOT. Church camp for me was basically the opposite of whatever picture pops in your head when you hear the words church camp. So this this will make Jamie happy, because I'm declaring right now that our kids are never going to church camp.

But on a serious note, I have been giving a lot of thought to church and why I'm raising my kids in a church because I am the way minority from my mommy friend circle. I can think of three friends that I didn't meet in church that take their kids to church on a regular basis. And there are a number of reasons that it's important to me that my kids are exposed to religion throughout their childhood, but the one that keeps popping up is that it gives my kids the feeling and the sense that they are loved by someone outside of their family and friend circle, someone so much bigger and greater than anyone they have actually met, and I think that's an awesome feeling. And I"m glad my kids have that knowledge. I do these birthday books with them every year, where you interview them and one of the questions was 'Say what comes to mind when I say: home, sister, pet, blah, blah, blah' and one of them was God, and they both said on their own (I separated them so I wouldn't get the same answers) 'He loves us.' It actually brought a little cross-shaped tear to my eye. You all have permission to publicly stone me if you ever see a 99.1 sticker on my car, and I'm sure Jamie would divorce me, but I did program it on the number 5 spot on FM2, which is one spot above KSHE95 and below Hot 104.1. It's kind of awkward for all three stations, but they're working through it.

Speaking of religion, we went to the pool this weekend and there were three women in what I have come to learn are called birkini's (unless Jamie is once again messing with me), but basically it was head to toe coverage, where you could only see the lady's face, head and feet. And I was telling my mom about it because I'd never seen one before and now she wants one. And I might just get her one. Because she would actually wear it and that would be kind of the cherry on the sundae of my life. She really, really hates the sun. It is her number one enemy. She wears sunscreen on Christmas Day. She once wore a hat, sunglases, sun screen, and a long sleeve cover up in an indoor waterpark.

My mom could totally pull this off, although you will never see her in the ocean. Water is her number two enemy.

We saw the Minion's movie today, I wanted to see Inside Out but then my mom started telling me how (spoiler alert) the girl starts losing her imagination and the thing that is her imagination actually start disappearing and her just telling me about it made me tear up. I have a strict policy against paying money for a movie that is going to make me cry. I will watch it eventually, but only when I can rent it for free from the library. Plus on the way there Harry said he didn't want to see it because he is scared of the red guy, so that solidified my decision to avoid the movie. My review for the Minions is that I did not hate it! I did fall asleep for at least a half hour, so that probably helped, but seriously it wasn't as torturous as the commercials made it seem. While I will never, ever, ever understand the Minion obsession by grown adults, I can recommend the movie to extremely bored and tired moms who need a nap. And if you stay through the credits like Penny made us do, there's a whole little Minion music video to Revolution. I'm sure John Lennon is spinning in his grave. Revolution indeed.