A day in the life

Woke up. Got outta bed. Dragged a comb across my head. Not really, but I couldn't resist.

After a complete lack of inspiration for anything to blog about, I decided that the world is dying to know what a typical day is like for me. I'll probably be contacted by Dreamworks after this post, so don't be surprised if you see the movie adaptation in 9 months. Starring January Jones as me, because people are constantly getting us confused! Ugh, so annoying. Today was a preschool day, also known as one of the best two days of the week. Because of the learning, not because of the time alone, what kind of monster do you think I am?

So here goes:

Some God-forsaken time in the morning: Penny is awake, talking to herself.  We can hear her on the monitor and Jamie thinks she is saying 'water'. He gets up to help her like a good parent, but I bully him into getting back into bed because:
a- she isn't crying, yelling, or acting upset in any way
b- if he goes into her room, there is a chance he will leave said room with Penny in his arms and that. ain't. happening. I can count on one hand the number of times a child has been in our bed and it never ends well. For me. Who is really the most important member of the family.
So mission accomplished, we go back to sleep.

7:51- My alarm goes off and I get the kids up. I hate getting the kids up. Not that they're totally terrible about it but I just feel bad for them. But today they were actually awake so score one for mom. We did our morning routine which looks like this

I'm including pictures for my illiterate fans.

I have found that TV makes our morning go super smooth. I toilet, dress, feed, style hair all three of us in the 28 minutes of a Disney Jr. show. Which explains why I am always looking so good at preschool dropoff. Here is me today.

I decided to go casual.

9ish- I drop the kids off at school. H was kind of a grumpy cat, which is always just darling. I powered through and went to workout. Which is always so fun!!!!!!!!

10ish- Got home and changed to go to Time For Dinner. I didn't have time to shower (sorry employees and customers) but I DID put on deodorant. Because that is when it is most effective, after a workout.

10:30ish- Time for Dinner. If you don't know what Time for Dinner is you are missing out. I am already tired of writing this post, so please google it. And if you go, call me and I'll go with you so I can get a free chocolate gooey butter cake.

12- Go home. Ate a salad with oil and vinegar dressing on the side, which I delicately dipped my fork into every three bites of lettuce as a special treat. So delightful! Almost as delightful as a microwave burrito with shredded cheese on top.

Sometime between 12 and 3- Checked the mail and got these!!!!!!!!!!

In case you don't have the superhuman vision it would require to read the small print, these are Kanye West concert tickets. I'm so excited I bought skinny jeans. Just for Kanye. He is the only man I would purposely be uncomfortable for.

I also did random house chores and hung pictures. We recently painted our kitchen bright yellow and I've been dying to put something on the wall to make it not so bright yellow. Jamie is usually the photo hanger in the house (When Penny saw me hammering the nails she actually asked me "Why do you have dad's hammer?" That hurt my feminist-side a little.), but I decided to do it myself. And I think it turned out pretty good, it takes me a couple days to warm up to home decor but I don't instantly regret it so that's a good sign.

Not totally hideous. Nothing crooked. Success!

3- I picked the kids up from school. According to Ms. Nicki, Harrison stayed 'sober' all day, so that's good? Or bad? I'm not sure. I'm going to go with good. He did tell me that turkeys come from eggs and after they hatch and grow big they have a parade! So I know he learned something. We had an easy afternoon, except for a game of Thomas the Tank Engine Trouble which got emotions running high. Harrison prefers to play the game where no one else can move their piece, and if you do move your piece, he automatically gets to move it back to wherever the hell he wants. Such a team player. The joy of twins.

Before the bloodshed.

Playing dress-up dolls. Just in case you forgot she is a girl.

Playing cars. In case you forgot he was a boy.

Someone pooped on the potty and got to watch Breakdown Chugginton for the 543rd time as a reward.

6- Dinner time. Jamie was six minutes late but who was counting? I'm trying a new thing with Penny who does not eat dinner most nights because it is 'too spicy' or she just doesn't like it, so I gave her half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Which she ate about half of. So I'm considering that a win. Or maybe a major mistake. I haven't decided yet.

Between dinner and bedtime-

What Jamie did.

What I did.

We also played another game of Trouble which went just as well as it did earlier this afternoon. Trouble is nothing but trouble for our family, I think it is going to have to mysteriously disappear. Maybe a boating accident.

8ish- Bedtime- snack, jammies, brush teeth, potty, read two books (I leave at this point and then Jamie extends bedtime by a good half hour doing various things like reading a story, singing, dancing, and generally getting the kids riled up. He's clearly the fun parent.)

9:55- Finishing this God forsaken blog post and watching The British Office. Hilarium. If you have never seen it, get yourself a free trial of Netflix and watch it, you won't be disappointed.

The future- Jamie and I will continue playing dueling laptops, watch The Daily Show and Colbert and then I'll go to bed with my old friend Wally.

I went to his reading last night at the library and can't wait to start reading. 

So that's that. Boy was this grueling. Expect my next one in 45 years.